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| I am blessed... blessed beyound measure. And God has spoken to me this week, and He has shown me a vision. I do not yet know of how this will effect my life, but I do know that this vision is not a passing thought... it will spark a change. One day I will post about it.... When timing is right...
Anyways... Praise be to God for the blessings of this relationship, and Praise be to him for the future he maps me...
and I am still smiling everytime you enter my mind...
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| is it to be understood?What is love? Everyone has their own perspective on that word, on that concept, on that fasciate of life... But what is it, tangibly what does it mean to love? How does it work, and very literally what is it? Something so well observed and commonly spoken of surly has a universal explanation that can be applied quickly in some mathematical or scientific method...
I have made it a goal of mine as part of my daily life, to consistently seek God, and seek to grow myself, spiritually and mentally, to daily expand and improve my character, integrity, knowledge, wisdom, and insight. I find the closer I get to God, the more many of these things fall into place, but through careful meditation and studying, I had thought such things as love are fairly simple concepts, I knew what the world said of love, what science said of it, what the dictionary said of it, and most importantly what God says of it.
But today I find myself wondering... As I do often enough... I have found something in this idea of love, that I have never found before... I experienced a part of it that I never knew, and today I tried to understand it. Much as a machine assimilates information for the purpose of application, I attempted to assimilate an understanding of this feeling...
I sought out what the bible said on the manner one more time. I refreshed my knowledge of what the bible says in 1st john, 1st chor. proverbs, and any other place I could find the word love surface... I started to repaint a picture of this thing called love. We all know, we are to love our neighbor, brother, enemy, friends, & God. God even declairs that a man is supposed to love his wife. (oddly it doesnt say the inverse of that... o.O)
ok great. that makes sense... That seems to be closer to the love I am pondering on... but how do we do that? How do we show love? Well the bible also says that we show love the same way that it was shown to us, by God. It says, God is love. Ok great... so now Im back to where I started I understand that type of love... I understand that surface love, and I even considered that sacrificial love that is spoken of... that love that is deeper... But still... I didn't find anything that clearly defined what I have been feeling... What causes this emotion? This love that makes my heart dance...
**Granted the bible says a lot more about love then what I am writing here, but I'm going to summarize and leave stuff out because A) I'm lazy and B) Its two in the morning...**
So I kept searching... Webster says that love is...
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> b (1) : a beloved person : Darling-- often used as a term of endearment (2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
well great, that helps a lot.... not really...
Still I know that love is something felt... an affection for another, and yet it is something more then that, it is also what you do, ok... but how does it come about? Well, the bible says that it is from God, that he is the source of love. God is love.
All day today I have been pondering what love is, and what this feeling is, and wondering why I have never felt it like this before... and now as the day comes to a close, after pouring this all out once before, in a more full and exacting detail of just how perplexed I truly was... I was told that it doesn't matter... that I don't have to understand. I like that, but it is so hard for me to just accept something, without understanding it... no matter how great. And then I found the answer. My question was never what is love, it was why do I love? and why is this love different? Why now? What is it about this person that makes this love different? (ANSWER: EVERYTHING ^_^)
The answer, seems to be exceedingly simple... God loved me first. God being a part of my life, me in Him and Him in me, I now have that love in my life, and I am to share that love with those around me... that is part of the love I have known. But then what is different about this love? It is rooted in Christ. Ok, so is the love I get from my brothers and sisters in christ, why is it different for this one person? What is it? I don't know. What am I actually asking? I guess I want to know what it is that causes this feeling... and I cant explain it. Me, the guy who never shuts up, is failing for a reason... and lost for truely expressive words. The answer has become so clear.. it doesn't matter. in the end I know that what truly matters is that I place those I love before myself, and that I simply know that Christ loved me so I love others, and this special love I have found... well... it is a gift. and I need not question how it works. Why this person... I dont know, but she is the only person I can imagine it being for...
Many may laugh as they read this because this may be common to them, or this may be something they have known for a long time, or maybe because they find it odd that I would question something so fundamental as love... but to me I have found a rare treasure, and I am going to hold that treasure close. I have been given a love that is sooo great I don't have words that can aptly describe it. As undeserving as I am for the gift that I have been given, how much more grateful am I for having it? I asked God for a prosperous future, and God gave me something better then anything I ever intended. God gave me a relationship that is pure, and whole. With a person who has everything I could ever look for in someone... and a connection with that person centered in God, not in the flesh.
I am aware that because I waited till so late in the day to write this, much of it may lack a coherent nature, and is probably riddled with spelling and grammar mistakes, but I wanted to say something... Oh, and allow me to note: I was not saying I didn't understand anything of love -- only that I didn't understand how this love that I now feel and the love I seem to have always known could possibly be the same thing.
As I head off to bed tonight I laugh because concerns that used to worry me before bed, are no longer prevalent, and things that I never knew, are now so close, I don't know if I could live without them. Thank you God for this gift.. it is so beyond me... she is so much better then I... How amazing that the same emotion is what makes me sleep better at night then ever before, and yet keeps me awake at night thinking and longing.
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| last nightI went to a party last night, and allow me to say, it was pretty amazing. I have found several good friends here in Madison, and I am thankful for that. At the party we played risk (great game) and had stratego, and settlers of the catana. also great games I had a great time of fellowship with great friends, that house was sooo packed. eventually a bunch of people started playing DDR (worst game ever) and somehow we migrated from that to playing music and actually dancing. I love to dance! But sadly I stink, but who cares? its all fun anyways. so at some point someone put on some frank sinatra and the slow dancing began! it was great! But sadly I appear to have been one of the only guys still there who didnt have a girl with him to dance with  but this is ok, because I know I will not always be without a dancing partner, and shortly there after we started a dance line, so all was good.
something weird I noticed, whenever I have done the waltz I have never done the lead roll... o.O
Anyways, being that I havent posted for a while, this was a lil somehting, oh, and addressing other matters, life is great! Many a things have been clarified for me and many a things make sense once again. a little later today I have to joyace privlege of embarking on the great adventure known as homework! Woot! erm right.
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| spiritual wallI'm so tired. I have said these words before, and they are common
ground statements. Most of the time when someone says "I'm
tired" it is as a result of etiher poor planning or unwise
decisions on their part. I have realized in the recent period of
time that I feel tired, but as I contimplate my current condition I
come to the most perplexing conclusion that although I feel tired, I am
in fact phisically wired. I have had plenty of sleep, and I am
enjoying what I can only classify as a better diet then that by which I
survived the majority of my life. Yet I am tired. In the
past few weeks I have been growing weery in everything I do. I
have realized that this feeling is not a physical one but a spiritual
one. I am at a point that I have never been before. I know
what is going on and I know what I need to do, and yet I cant seem to
do it.
I have hit the perverbial "wall" before, but never like
this. I am caught in emotions and thoughts I never
concidered a plausable factor to center my thought. With lifes
stress's mounting I have always found that when I dont know what to do
I should dive into the word and seek God. I know that is what I
must do here... Yet this is why I feel so odd. Lost in something
that I can barley understand and lack the words to expalin all I can
say is this: I said I am tired, and that is true, I
am. I am tired in spirit of the life I live. I do my best
to live my life as a life of purity and rightiousness, in doing so I
put up barriers and block certain things from my life so I can maintain
a boundry between me and what may tempt me. Now what
is strange is I am sitting here searching for an answer to a question
that doesnt need to be asked, simply because I am lost in why I feel
the way I do. I want nothing more then to serve God. But
recently I have thought about what I do and I dont remember WHY I do
it. I dont remember what the point of it is. Why I serve,
or why I act the way I do. I look at my life and am hit with a
feeling of worthlessness that I didnt know existed. I look at my
highschool carrier and know that I did well, that I stood strong on my
morals and biblical principals, and yet I feel regret? I didnt do
anything in school to regret, or did I? My memories of school are
not the same as most, I look back and remember more about my science
books then I do about times I spent with people. I started this
jouney called christianity in september 2000 at a convention in
MN. a few years latter I found myself at a cross roads, I
met dave at Driven (What was One Cause Student Ministries) about two
and a half years ago, and remembered what it was to walk this thing
out. Now looking around at what I am doing I can summerize how I
feel in this.
I dont feel right any time except when I am praying, worshiping or at
church, but everytime I do any of those things I IMIDIATLY get flooded
with thoughts and feelings I cant explain. regret for sheltering
myself soo much. I feel like I just want to be alone, yet at the same
time I can't stand to not be around someone. which leaves me in
silence. (not always a bad thing) So I am caught in a weird
paradox. After all the quips and all the spiritual maxums and wise
quotes of the day, I am still left knowing that this is not a matter of
knowlege or even of wisdom that I need to study more to clear it
up. This is an odd battle in which I need to ride out ALL I can
do is put my faith in God, and know that he wont move. I
know that this is what scares me, With the way I feel now,
although some people have more faith in me then I do, if I go to
Madison the way I am now, I will not stand long. Words cant
explain how I feel... I feel like pulling away, and my mind screems for
peace, but I know that I can't do that. I just feel like my
spirit man is being beaten with a bat, everytime I try to reach God,
and then getting run into the ground when Im not looking. Once
again, I know the answer to the question, I just guess I need time to
figure it out. And what worries me is time I dont have a lot
of. So I conclude to step back from things at church and you know
maybe go to a few services again... what a novel
idea.... Life is weird sometimres. I thought I
had figured most of this "spiritual" stuff out, and then I hit a wall
that I cant describe. I dont now why Im telling you any of
this, or if you even know what I am talking about but se la vi,
conflicts of the spirit are greater than those of flesh and
blood. I need to take time, and remember what this is all
about...
W/E, I am going to bed...
--james | | |
| Well it has officailly been a VERY long time since I have updated here... So here goes.
The wonderous new things in my life, lets begin with school. My
class rank is finallized, I am 13 of 365 students (after like 50
dropped out this year HOLY COW) I have been accepted to college,
and in the fall after many scholarship and financial aide applications
my cost is down to 9.4k a year, and 3k no interest loan, so if I work
the summer and pay the room and board as I go I will graduate with
about 15k in debt that has no interest. Oh yeah, I am going to
Carthage college, its in kenosha. Life is exsiting
This summer I am going to work a lot but I will also have a lot of fun
I am sure, I am exsited to see driven go on another missions
trip.
I have a lot of work to do latly, and I am way stretched, but I will
most definatly be more successful because of it. I will be
studing like a crazy person in the next few weeks prepairing for my
exam week this may... ahhh...
what else to mention, ah, there is too much, so I will leave it at this
for now, other than this little bit of my thoughts. This year I have
learned a lot about life and relationships. I have had a general
rule of thumb for the last 3-4 years that I just dont date, and earlier
this year I thought I might go back on that rule, and it caused more
problems with some of my friends than I can even mention, but some of
you know what I am talking about. some of my friends are just now
getting over that. But what is odd is I find myself in that
situation again, where in I am tempted to go against that oath that I
made, and I remember now why I made it. Women cause
problems. They distract men from God, and other friends, obsorb
my time, and money. I have learn to ignore things like this, and
will continue to do so. what is funny is I dont think I could
date the person I am referencing even if I didnt have this
rule. Loven inner conflict. but its all good, why, because
none of this kind of stuff matters, it doesnt last, and I am sure God
has bigger plans for both of us, so for now, rather than saying
anything, I will say this. We are friends, and she doesnt know
anything other than that and we will keep it that way until I
leave. I am usually really bold and just tell people how I feel
but in this instance I think it will just cause trouble. at any
rate, I need to get focused... I have been so distracted by good things
lattly, by friends, and fun that I have slowly begun slacking in my
devos, my quiet time, and my personal studies. I need to get more
of my free time back to personal growth. I have to get rid of all
these "good things"
now rather than continue to be vague and ambiguous, I will end this entry. talk to you all latter.
BTW: Dont even try to prod me about who I refrenced, I wont tell
you. even if your the perosn I was refrencing...
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