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| The CrossroadI think I've always taken advantage of the fact that I have depended on others to define who I am. Even when I took a stance on something and decided to move in a different direction, I would always drift towards another cause or group of people. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be affiliated with certain groups of people, but it should be because you truly believe something yourself and happen to agree with others, not simply because you need something, anything.
I officially don't know who I am anymore. But instead of sulking, I'm going to try to view this as untapped potential. Everyone I used to know is gone, and everyone I am meeting is different. People don't know who I am, and I don't know what to tell them about myself, because everything I used to be associated with, I don't necessarily feel the same way about anymore.
I could continue on this path of employment for the next 30 years or so, but I'd rather do something with my life, and I'm going to be brainstorming over the next few months to figure out where I'd best fit in. I'd like to figure out by my 24th birthday at least what I'm going to do with the next 5 years of my life. I'm stuck in mediocrity right now, and I'd rather be working towards something bigger.
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| Radio I don't think I have the patience to write a book, enough time to write a computer program, and enough money for anything else. However, I have been having A LOT of fun learning Flash and cutting up audio for the Dog House Sound Board I made. I think Flash is the ultimate in creative limitlessness and ADHD featurability. It's a hobby I'll probably keep, and it made me realize how much I love radio. I've been listening to radio for years, but never thought much of it, until the idea of having my own show revealed itself. The internet provides a free service to host a radio show from your very own home, all you would need to do, is talk. I'm working on a few format ideas, but I believe this is the best medium for me to express my many, and sometimes convoluted, ideas. Of course entertainment is a huge part of radio, and since I would need to KEEP an audience, it's going to be some time until I figure all this out. Cautiously optimistic. Happy New Year.
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| Diagnosis: ButterfingeritisIN NEED OF DRINKING BUDDIES
Over the last few years I've heard a lot of my friends and randoms explain certain ailments they were diagnosed with...of the mental range. Such as Depression, Anxiety, Phobias, and the like; I am not denying the existence of these disorders, however it seems they get wrapped up in being put down, almost as if they need the disease as a crutch to explain past, as well as future, shortcomings or self-disappointments.
I don't think I've given up on love, but I seriously redefined the fuck out of it. It's a pretty dumb concept, sensationalized by tv and movies, but to some extent we as humans feel a certain connection which we may sometimes mistake for a fictional idea. It's like reverse logic, having a conclusion, here love, and looking for a feeling or rationalization to fit the model. Oh well, I suppose we do it all the time.
Utopia- Trying to figure out the perfect society. Hit a snag when I realized most people don't think the same way I do.
Life- Program to represent life. Learning C++ and Unix.
Art- I made these!
   
I ripped the tab off the milk :(
Where's The Giraffe?
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| Update CityI got a camera! Finally. And god forbid I buy one; I stole it from my sister/parents. So expect some pics as soon as the shitty weather lets up.
I decided to put any projects on hold, since I have too many ideas and stuff I want to do, and just spend the next month or so prioritizing the next few years of my life.
I never really had to think about the future before, more than a month away anyway, so it's weird thinking about where I'm going to be years from now. I tend to be a selectively absent-minded person, and I try to live in the now.
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| Cigaro / Unnecessary Connections It's in our nature...blah blah blah...to create connections between
things which may or may not rationally or logically follow or coexist,
simply because it is in our nature.
As I smoke this cigar, I cannot help but see myself. No, I am not
vain enough to see myself in everything, but I do worry about nothings
from time to time. A fragile accumulation of tobacco, to be kept within
a certain humidity range. A puff of motivation is all I need to keep
going, my passion glowing for all to see, will not stop me from
realizing the inevitability of becoming ash, or even worse, being
discarded.
My mind has settled, I finally understand why adults act the way
they do. I understand why they lose that wide eyed ambition, and trade
their intense drives for hobbies. I feel silly looking back at the
patterns of my thought, and how I constructed different scenarios and
possibilities from how I thought the world worked, and what I thought
was important. I have a much better grasp of what matters, and at the
same time a renewed sense of hopelessness due to the consequences.
Home is where the heart is, and Virginia is not where my heart is. I
realized my soul is at 6 Union St. That place brought out the best in
me, and it's hard to say goodbye to the house who made me into who I am
today. I never wanted respect or adoration, whatever I did was out of
genuine concern and from my cold, black, murmuring heart.
When I get a camera, I'll give a full tour of the state and local
crap, but for now all you need to know is that I get paid a bunch of
money to do engineering stuff and everything is fine.
Everyone here seems to have a grasp on a direction they want their
life to go in. No one moved here without a plan. It's a lonely place
I'm in, and I'm still too lazy to update this.
The world doesn't need me to change it. In fact, humans have no say
at all in what happens to the earth. The earth isn't a living thing, we
can't "save" the environment. If humans were to die out, along with all
living things on the planet for whatever reason, the Earth would still
be here, just spinning along like nothing happened. Kind of serene if
you think about it.
On an up note, the Muse concert at the Patriot Center was great,
even though the venue itself was shoddy. I have a couple new favorite
songs from a band I never even heard of before that: Cold War Kids.
Check out the first couple tracks from their only album.
     
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