| Hey guys, I found this I just thought I should post it. What it is written below is not written by me. It was written by an actor named John Cleese. John Cleese was one of the dudes in Monty Python, if you don't know him he was Sir Nicholas in Harry Potter movies, if you still don't know him he was the voice of the King in Shrek 2, he's the scientist dude in the recent 007 movies. He was in a lot of stuff, if you want to know more you should go www.imdb.com. But he's a really really funny guy and I just thought this letter is hilarious.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't
have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you
won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will
also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas
such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
bordersmay have noticed that no one else plays American football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive
Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances
formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as
Near-Frozen Knat's Urine, with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak
Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol
prices(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as
in clear NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
John Cleese
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