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October 17th,2005
EVERYTHiNGS SL0WLY SLiPPiNG AWAY
 HeY.. i think its time for an update lol...this weekend was oka.Friday me and my dad went out to eat and then i got to hang out with chris at his house,which was really fun.it kinda reminded me of when we were together because it still felt like i was with him and nothin else mattered i dont kno but we had fun..oka so i have had alot of things on my mind lately..i have been running away from my feelings and hiding the way i feel about him from everyone and even from him..i dont kno why i am so afraid of showing my feelings but i am,i guess it has to do with my past..the whole "every guy i dated was a jerk" thing..and i kno hes not every guy and hes not like them but im just scared im gonna lose him again even as a friend and i dont want that to happen..im scared i might mess up again or say something wrong or just do something stupid..with all those other guys i have been with i just felt like i was there for the moment and just got used but with chris its def. different because i just kno he cares no matter what anyone says i kno he does..he walked in my life and i dont want him to walk out of it and i think thats what im scared of the most..before i met him my life was terrible..i felt like givin up everything..and things were just goin so wrong for me and then when i did meet him my life turned around so fast..i could finally say i was happy again..and its amazing how just one person can do that and completely change your life around...it felt like a new beginning in my life..we've been through so much together..we've been through so many breakups..we have some great memories together..things just felt so right with him and the most amazing part after everything that has happened is that hes still apart of my life.i guess he doesnt really understand how i feel because all i do is hide from my feelings because im scared.i knew i wanted to be with him from the start and i still feel that way.im so thankful to have someone like him in my life i dont care what anyone says i will never find someone that will care about me as much as he did or just be there when i had no body..everybody almost is like move on,get another guy,or you dont need him,and your only 16 your gonna have plenty of boyfriends in your life but what do they kno about my life and my feelings?..nothin at all..there not me so they dont kno how im feeling..i just wish i could stop bein scared for once but its just kinda hard.if me and chris made it through all of that before i kno we can make it through again but even if we're not meant to be i hope we will always be friends...i kno i have hurt him a couple times but it never meant to happen and if i could change that i would in a heart beat,he never deserved that.he deserves better and if i could i would give that to him..im not gonna give up on him even tho sometimes i feel like it..i dont kno who i would be if he wasnt in my life..he has made a huge difference in my life..things have been so confusing lately.i didnt kno who i was anymore..i havnt been myself lately and i have drifted away from God but i do feel closer to him,when i really needed God the most in my life i just pushed him away and i dont kno why..your the one that has to decide what you want out of life and who you want to be and just never give up on yourself and i think i kno that now..i guess you make mistakes to learn from them..but im gonna stop about all of that..the rest of the weekend was kinda boring but i did get to drive alot this weekend..i was supposed to get my license saturday but its gonna be wayy longer now because we never made an appointment..thats smart i guess haha..yesterday i went to Macland Baptist and in about 2 wks we're goin bac cause there gonna have a offering for mckenzie and speak about her..the pastor and everyone that goes there are soo nice..i met a few of the youth which was cool..today was terrible because i started havin those sharp pains again and a real bad headache(uggh it wont go away : ( ..the headaches that i get are from when i was in a car accident a while ago and i have been havin sharp pains for awhile but they just come and go..so i went home at 12:15..i just cant wait to get this week over with,im dreadin it..oh yea and my baby sister mckenzie is doin alot better!!i love her sooo much!!her and my mom are probably gonna go bac to FL in the middle of november : ( but its for the best but just please pray for her and i found out that my mom has a cist on her ovary and might have to get it removed by havin surgery : ( so please keep her in your prayers too....well i hope that everyone has a great week!!!i kno i wont!!
*~*Kristen*~*   
~there`s a big world out there. bigger than prom,
bigger than highschool, and it won`t matter if you
were prom queen or the quarterback of the football
team, or the biggest nerd in school. what will matter
is just to find out who you are. & try not to be afraid
of it .
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