I don't write notes here often. When I do, they're pretty much always random surveys, or pointless chain letter CRAP. But this isn't one of those. This is actually about me, my life. (If you stop reading this right now and go comment, then thanks. Really, thanks. You've proved my lack of faith in humanity.) What I'm going through and dealing with now. I realize to most of you out there... You don't care about a word of this. Those that do... mos of you either don't understand or don't care enough to understand. But I'm fine with that. I'm breaking down and finally putting this SHIT out for everyone to see it, even though the last thing I've ever wanted to do is burden someone else with my problems, because I have nowhere else to take it, and I'm fed up.

First off, a bit of background--mind you, this is going to take a bit. My parents are divorced. They have been for roughly 8 years. Separated, that is--the divorce itself took several years because of a vicious custody battle. (during which I got so incredibly FUCKED UP in the head I can't describe, but that's another story.) This isn't about me, or then. It's about the now. Both my parents are remarried--dad's been with the same woman for 7 years now, and they've been married for 2. Things are going fine, and I live with him the majority of the time. And before I get into mom's side of the story, I love her dearly, and am quite aware of just how much she's done for me over the years, (although I'm just as aware of what she's done TO me--again, beside the point.). The point is, she's had nothing but bad luck in dating. From one loser to the next, it was nothing but a string of disasters, from the nudists in Texas to the druggies in Florida. My mom isn't a bad person. She's been through a lot, and dealt with it in her own way, and that's made her who and what she is today. Now, I'd thought she'd finally found someone she could be happy with--she married him. Sure, they rushed the marriage, and they've been together (dating) for about a year now. And it's that rush, also, as well as who he is that's contributing to the current situation. So, background over, let's get into why I'm wasting a chunk of your lives with this.

Mom's marriage isn't going too hot right now. Financial issues are a major part, another is that due to my stepdad's job, he works obscene hours so they get to spend almost no time together. So they can't work out the little things, which just start to escalate until they're yelling and screaming at each other and so caught up in what they're saying they can't, or rather won't, listen to the other and try to fix a bit of the problem. That's the other major problem. They don't communicate. They can't. They won't. I've been trying to get Mom to listen to me for ten years now. She refuses to accept anything other than EXACTLY how she perceives her reality, and if anyone tries to tell her otherwise, she goes ballistic, trying to drill HER beliefs into their head. It's not her fault. Well, it is, but I can't blame her. She doesn't realise that she doesn't listen at all to anything ANYBODY says. It goes in one ear and out the other, and she's already forgotton it by the time she's started back into her endless ranting and yelling at how everyone in the world takes advantage of her and is fucking her over. I stopped trying to tell her otherwise a long time ago... and then I stopped taking it to heart--not listening. I never stopped listening. But if I let myself get sucked into her fantasy of how the world around her is, it's hard to start seeing things how they really are--and that's just something she can't do. She says Bill (stepdad) is attacking her and won't listen, but she doesn't, and won't, realise that that's EXACTLY what she does to him. Relationships are EXTREMEMLY reciprocal. If two people can't both work with each other, it won't work... Mom believes she's giving all her heart and sould, but she's doing it in the wrong way. She does it for herself, and she says for me--but anything she does for me is done so she can feel more secure about herself. She's a wonderful mom, but these things are why her marriage to my dad failed after 15 years, and why it's become impossible for her and her current husband to salvage what they have. They're about to give up. I don't know what mom's going to do... she'll get by somehow. She always has. But I can't help but pity her--she's bringing it on herself again, and she doesn't see it. Or refuses to... either way, I've done all I can. She won't listen to me, to Bill, or anybody. She's set on who and what she is, and she can't give an inch to stop attacking people... because it's the verbal attacks that provoke responses, and soon, the whole situation is out of control and hopelessly unsalvageable... I don't know what will happen.

It's five in the morning and I haven't slept... I'm going back to Dad's tomorrow. Life's going to go on. Same as always... Mom's just being uprooted and thrust into a situation she isn't ready to handle, again. Life isn't fair. Divorce isn't fair. Failed marriages aren't fair. But then again, no one ever promised that they were. That's reality. I'm going to read a 400-page book for Euro and write a paper over it. Life goes on. Mom will find another loser and be hurt by him. She'll make a financial decision she can't handle and get deeper into debt. I've seen it happening ever since the divorce. It's a pattern she can't break out of. I've tried. I couldn't do it. She doesn't want, and doesn't think she needs, help. There's nothing I can do about it. In two years all this will be behind me... but it won't be gone. It'll continue to happen. Why is it that the 'adults' we're all supposed to look up to and admire, and base our lives off of, are just as screwed up as we are?

It's because we're here to see for ourselves the reality of life. People go through, seeing tragedies this world ought never have bred, or being sheltered from what's lurking outside, ready to strike... but what good does either do if you don't learn from it? Just stagnating, decaying in this life gets us nowhere. It's a sad but grisly truth that the things we go through now prepare us for our lives in the future... The travesty is that people don't realise that. They're not ready to accept adulthood. To accept responsibility. News flash. Adults aren't either. We all want to cling to what we know, what we're comfortable in. Life isn't in that comfort zone, though. Unless you can break out of it and take a compromise on how you view the world, you WILL be trapped in your illusion of it, only to be struck down by harsh reality. Take it from someone who's seen it happen for years.

So, now that you've heard me say my piece on my life and a bit more... (those of you who actually read this, congratulations. You're not the bastard scum I think of most of the human race as.) take what you will of it. Listen, don't, it doesn't matter. I've said what I needed to say--I don't need advice, or consolation, or pity, or any of that. If I can help even one person to correct a mistake in their life that I couldn't in someone else's, then this will have done what I meant it to do. I suppose I don't have much else to say now... I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Only been awake 17 hours... I'm not going to sleep tonight. So, until then, namarie, friends, otherwise, and whatever readers I may have affected. I'm off to think and dream yet again.

P.S.