I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge.

I lie inside myself for hours, and watch the purple sky fly over me. 

God, I miss you. I thought it would get easier, and I'm not going to lie, some days it is.  Some days it's downright easy to forget about you.  But then, just when I think that I'm over everything... it hits me again. 

Every time I hear that song... you know the one... I go catatonic almost.  I curl up and cry.  It's the worst when I hear it at work... because they know.  They know about me and you.  They know that I loved you with every fiber of my being.  But there's nothing I can do. nothing.  I just wish you knew.  I wish you'd call.

So you think you can tell? Heaven from hell, blue skies from pain?

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.

I can see it all in my mind.

Your crimson blood, dripping

Onto the desk and floor.

I can hear the scissors ripping

Into your withdrawing skin.

I remember the feeling then,

My heartbeat skipping,

Trying to stop the blood.

I can see it all in my mind,

You planning to hit the cold brick wall,

Me scrambling against your fist,

Trying to stop its fall.

I can feel the tears,

Sliding hot down my cheeks,

Wondering if you cared at all,

When you pushed me away.

And I remember you leaving.

You didn’t seem phased at all.

I still feel my heart breaking,

I can hear the pieces fall,

Fall away into nothingness.

And I’m still here, crying,

And waiting for you to call,

Knowing that you won’t.

Currently Listening Despite Our Differences By Indigo Girls Last Tears see related

Why?

Why's it so easy for you to hurt me? To play with my emotions, to hurt me, to be such an unbearable dick to me?  You say I shouldn't check up on you... The last time I checked, I WAS THE FUCKING ONE KEEPING YOU ALIVE!  I was the one that held your hand as you cried, that listened to you, all night as you talked of your dreams, your hopes.  I was the one crying over your bleeding wrists, trying to get you to hold on to something, anything. I loved you, I loved you more than you can ever possibly imagine.  But you don't seem to care.

I want to know why.  I want to know why it was so easy for you to leave me, crying, and go back to your home where everything was well and good.  Were you running away? Away from what?  I just want some sort of closure!  I want you to come back to me, so we can just talk, and get everything out in the open, all of your feelings, all of mine.  Evidently, you didn't care about me as much as I thought, or as much as you said. 

I was there for you when no one else was, crying for you, with you, about you.. I was there when you were going through the thick of your withdrawal, watching you shake and shiver.  Feeling your skin quaking under my open hand was the hardest thing I've ever done... until I had to say goodbye to you.  Why wasn't that enough?  Why wasn't I enough?  What did I do?  Where did I go wrong?  Why are you treating me like this?  Why can't we go back to the time it was just you and me... no drugs, no alcohol, no other women... just you, me, and whatever we decided to do that day. 

Why is it so easy for you to hurt me?  For you to end everything?  For you to tell me not to call?  For you to basically say you don't care about me?  Why?  I need to know! 

And now I find myself not caring about you at all. I want to tell you to go off, drink yourself away, use until your nose bleeds... but I know I can't, out of guilt.  I've always wanted what's best for you.  I told you that when you said you were leaving.  I smiled, I pretended that everything was okay.  I pretended like I was going to be fine, and I said: "Do what makes you happy."  I said it because I knew it'd be selfish of me to beg you to stay for my sake.  But why was it so easy for you to leave? Why was it so mind-numbingly easy for you to just cut ties with me? 

And even after you left, I was still faithful.  I called every now and then, not so much checking up on you, but just missing you.  I thought about you. I tried to be happy for you, and tried to help you still... but I guess you're really gone, and you don't care anymore.

I just... I'm done.  I can't be this person anymore, the one you call when you don't have anyone else, or anywhere else to turn.  I can't be the one that's always so forgiving. I can't be the one who takes it when you say these things to me, and still loves you afterwards.  I can't be the one who tries to cry over your bloody wrists, the one that gets between you and the wall that you want to punch until your knuckles bleed, the one that takes the beer from your hands, the one that holds you until you fall asleep, the one that held your hand as you went through everything you went through.  I can't be this person anymore.  It's killing me.  Can't you see that? 

"These are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you
My cryin's through I'm moving on
I don't regret and won't forget
A single thing that we went through
But there are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you
You take things so much easier than I do
And you could live your life without me if you had to
And you believe that in the end it all works out right
And I might if not for you
And if you ask one which one lives just alone for love
I do
There was a time when all signs pointed to the warm south
The planets all lined up and built a new house
And everything we talked about felt like a prophecy
And when you looked at me they all came true
And if you asked which one wants to go the distance
I do
I'm gonna rack my mind one last time until I cannot think
I'm gonna dip into your memory and take a good stiff drink
And when I'm drunk on the last drop of sadness about how we went wrong
I'm gonna play this song
Make some coffee black and strong
Give thanks for healing time
And finally make up my mind "

"Last Tears" Indigo Girls

Visions of a happy romance are in your near future

If only I could believe fortune cookies, and all of their mythical lore.  I mean.. how great would that be? It'd certainly make things easier. I mean, maybe it's right, but it's a cookie... should I believe it?

I guess it's about time for a happy romance though.  I haven't had one in a long time.