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| Preaching Wednesday went much better than I was expecting it to. God didn't give me what I was supposed to talk about until Tuesday night....I had played with the idea many times, but nothing came together until then. That's just so like Him, making me trust Him like that. Not sure I did as good at that as I could have, but whatever. I met with Jason and Daniel after I got off work on Wednesday, to go over the evening. I went through what I wanted to talk about. I had only preached once before, and it was definitely great for my first time ever, but there was so much to improve on. Jason gave me some really great, concrete ideas for how to get better, and I did my best to implement them. I want to be a great communicator...not just a good preacher or teacher.
I've been watching myself this summer, and I've realized how much my insecurity has crippled what little leadership I have. Gerry said something in the catalyst meeting on Tuesday that really stuck out to me. I should make it such a pleasure to work for me (and with me) that people will gladly do it for free. We were talking specifically about volunteers, since they are what ministry is primarily made of.
Leadership as a second year in Master's, while it is a wonderful learning experience, is so much different than leadership in the....shall we say....real world. Outside the bubble. There's nobody to tell them they have to listen to me, and they're not first years.
It's crazy that it's taken me almost a month to recover from June. And I'm not even sure if I'm fully recovered. But we shall see.
I feel like I woke up this week. I think it was Tuesday night when God showed me that all of this uncertainty, all of these thoughts....it's all been Him shaking me. I've asked to be shaken plenty of times; you'd think I'd recognize it when it came. But no. He had to tell me. It's been a lot better since then. I've given in to whatever it is that's going on, and I'm trusting Him that I will learn what I'm supposed to out of it. I'm worrying less about the future, although it's still humbling to admit that "I'm 20 years old and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up," as I admitted to the entire youth group on Wednesday. As I told Jason, I am the epitome of waiting on the Lord right now. I'm just afraid I'll get comfortable in the position of waiting, and then I'll get all messed up when stuff starts happening! Someone slap me when I get there, ok? Ok!
I had two days off this week...yesterday and today. I think that may be contributing to this wonderful feeling of mental wholeness I have at the moment. I almost don't want to go to sleep tonight, although I must. Tomorrow is another busy, long day. My specialty. Thank God it starts at a coffee shop. 
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| Choice: Watch Princess Diaries 2, or floss your teeth?Floss your teeth. Seriously.
I had every intention of writing something deep and meaningful. Really. But it doesn't seem to be coming.
This journey He has me on...the farther I go, the less I understand. I would have thought it would be the other way around. Yet the only really difficult times are when I stop...and try to understand.
At one point, I had learned how to let Him reveal in His timing. I just enjoyed Him. And now I'm discontent. The worst part is, I think it's Him. I'm really good at setting my mind in one direction, once I know what that's supposed to be. Normally you'd think, "godliness with contentment is great gain." I should be content. If I'm not, there's something wrong with me. But I can't shake this feeling that He's leading me here.
I've never wanted to be led here. I think I've always been afraid of it.
I had my eyes set on You! Why did You have to move?
My deepest desire is to please You. When I feel like I'm finally doing a good job, You move.
Is it possible that I still haven't (deeply) grasped the concept that You are overwhelmingly pleased with me as I am?
I am delighted in.
What?
I never wanted to want this. He keeps telling me that this is what I'm made for. I don't know how to want it less than Him. I would much rather be safe, and not want it at all.
In preparation for preaching this week, I was doing a few word studies. I found the Greek word histemi while I was studying wait. Guess what else it means. To stand firm; be present.
How completely unfair.
I'm just kidding. Mostly.
Everything I wanted to say this Wednesday has boiled down into nothing but disjointed thoughts. I think He wants me to talk about who He is, and what He means to me. This terrifies me (just a little bit). None of this fake vulnerability.
I'm going to bed now. I should have done so about two hours ago.
I'll be getting to the church at 6am. Simply Desperate we call it. You have to be to show up that early.
"My soul longs for You....so come like the rain!"
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| June was a rather intense month. You know it's too much when you get sick from it.
But things are settling down. I'm beginning to feel more like myself again.
Thank God.
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| When I read anything by C.S. Lewis, I find myself having to read the same parts over and over again. It's usually not because it's so terribly difficult to comprehend (although that has happened a few times).
More often than not it's because the words are so wonderful, the sentences so gracefully constructed
that I get caught up in the beauty of the language
and forget to remember the meaning behind the words.
This is why I love C.S. Lewis.
{one of many reasons}
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| HealingI've been thinking a lot about healing in the past month.
I just finished reading Johannes Amritzer's book, How Jesus Healed the Sick (And How You Can Too!) I was slightly skeptical when I bought it, but I'm so glad I did.
For a long time I've desired to lay my hands on the sick, and see them miraculously healed. I didn't even admit it to myself until the past few months because I thought I wasn't worthy to even desire such a gift. I've believed many lies in my life, and I'm coming to hate this one quite a bit. When I finally admitted that I wanted it, I had a very difficult time believing that God would use me. I mean why would He? Who am I to walk the way Jesus walked? Who am I to bear such authority? Clearly it wasn't really true.
I began to pray anyway. I would pray, and nothing would happen. It's funny...even after Jesus has "healed" cars and computers for me, I didn't believe that He would heal people through me. So I would pray. Nothing would happen. Still I prayed. I wanted to give into the disappointment and give up, but I didn't. I knew I couldn't live my life that way.
Then came June 18th. The much anticipated week of Healing and Life Change with Johannes Amritzer began....along with the death of a precious 15 year old girl. I felt faith rise in me that I can't take credit for. Many of us unashamedly asked for a resurrection. Johannes prayed with us after saying this: "I will pray with you if you all promise me that you are mature enough that if God does not do this, you will all pray seven times harder for a miracle next time."
Friday night we specifically asked for God to do miraculous healings. After preaching, Johannes called church staff and leaders up to the front. We stood around the altar, and he gave us a pep talk of sorts to pray for healing. I wanted to cry, or leave, or both. As I turned around and faced the people, I admitted to God that I did not feel the faith required. I was terrified.
Then people started coming, and I started praying. For the first time that I can remember, God used me to heal people. He healed Annette of asthma, fibromyalgia, and spine problems. He healed Brad of chronic migraines caused by a tube in his head (I don't remember the name of the condition). He healed Rich of a torn rotator cuff. Rich and his wife are leaving this month to get a baby girl from China that they are adopting. She has rocker-bottom foot syndrome. We prayed for her. Then this past Thursday at camp, I prayed for a girl named Lauren. I didn't pray anything remotely related to healing over her, but when she sat down God had healed her of deafness in her right ear, as well as deep scars on her arms.
I am truly amazed at God's love. I began asking Him a few weeks ago to reveal His love for me. I want to know and experience it on a deeper level. I think that this is an answer to that prayer.
Physical healing is for the purpose of evangelism. God heals so that people who see and hear will know Him and hear the message, "God is available." It's just another radical way for Him to invade our lives. He really has been awakening my heart to the spirit of evangelism. What could possibly be more important than racing against time to show people His love? I want to walk down the streets of Gettysburg, East Berlin, and New Oxford with new eyes. I want to see people I encounter every day as desperately in need of Him. I want to feel compassion the way Jesus felt it....never just a feeling, always followed by an action.
This week, I fell in love with Jesus all over again. It's indescribable, this journey He has me on.
With Your majesty here,
I fall to my knees.
I love You endlessly!
With the beauty of Your Son,
I find myself undone.
I love You endlessly!
"Walk with your head held high. Be confident in what God has given you, and give what you have, knowing that what you have is the name of Jesus!"
~Johannes Amritzer
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