Tentacles had once tried to take over the world . And like all of humanity's epic struggles, I was involved. On this occasion, I was just minding my own business and trying to see how big of a snot rocket I could launch out of my nose. When all of the sudden I was approached by two giant tentacles.





"Pitiful human," the purple one said to me, "your world will soon belong to us and you will forever be a slave to our race!"

"Oh yeah?!" I retorted "Well... your mother is already my slave!" (2nd grad humor FTW!) I could tell my reply angered him quite a bit as his eyebrow arched downward.

"You will regret that comment filthy human," he snarled. "Now instead of enslaving your kind, we will unleash the hellish fury of our alien allies! They will kill you all!!!"

Unphased by his threating threats of threatosity, I yelled, "Bring it on skank!"

As they hopped off into the distance, I began to prepare for war. Earth belongs to us Terrans, and I will not let any aliens take it from us.


 


I got into my battle armor and comanded my troops to build some bunkers for defensive measures. I sent my trusty comrade, Pen Pen, to our lookout post.

Minutes later, Pen Pen sounded the intruder alarm. The aliens were here already! No army could mobilize and mount an attack so quickly! How could this be?! As I shifted my eyes to a security monitor displaying the lookout post, my eyes widened and I now understood how we could be attacked so quickly. I yelled to the other men in the barracks:


 


"ZERG RUSH!!!!1!!1!!one!"

I saw Pen Pen get ripped to shreds on the monitor. But there was no time to mourn his death, I had to fight. And just as I turned around, I was confronted by several zerglings. I killed as many as I could, but they just kept coming and I was overwhelmed. I was knocked off my feet and the zerglings began to leap at me. But I kept fighting. They cannot have this planet. I won't let them.


 


I was able to kill a few more, but for every one I slaughtered, two more appeared. I knew the end was near and that I didn't stand a chance. "If only I was a Protoss," I said over and over in my head. If only...

Just when I was about to be killed, an old friend came out of nowhere and saved me. He took out the zerglings with ease.


 


"Bender!" I exclaimed. "Boy am I glad to see you!" I regained my composure and stood back up, we high fived in celebration (Well... he high threed).

"Come on Meat Bag," Bender motioned to me, "let's kill the rest of them. These zerglings can bite my shiny metal ass!"

And bite his ass they did. But bite through it they could not. We killed every last Zerg and defended out planet. But we still had the Tentacles to deal with. Rather than kill them, we exiled them to Japan.


 


After being sent to Japan, the Tentacles lost all of their violent tendencies. They actually got into acting and were offered many type casted roles.





And that my friends, is the true story of how tentacles ended up in hentai.

The end.

Back when I lived on Planet Zebes, I was going for a walk one day and just enjoying all of nature's beauty. I would stop to smell the flowers and wave hello to the friendly wild life.





I had come across a cute infant metroid. I said hello, but got no reply. It just kept floating there looking so squishy. And when things look squishy, it is extremely hard for me to resist poking them. I fought the urge to poke the metroid, but that only lasted about seven seconds. I poked the little bugger and I think I freaked him out.





It attached itself to my head and began to feast on me. Normally this would've been no problem, but since I left my power suit at home I couldn't turn into a morphball.

I quickly came up with a plan to get this guy off my head. But just as I was about to execute said plan...


   

The metroid exploded, bukkaking me with his squishy ectoplasm. But it didn't explode on its own, somebody had shot it. As my vision refocused I found out who did it...





It was Earthworm Jim. I was about to get out of the situation on my own, and was extremely pissed that Jim shot at my head. He could've killed me! Twat...

I quickly filled with anger (luckily this was before I was exposed to gamma radiation, so I didn't hulk out). I grabbed Jim and pulled him out of his super suit.





I began pulling on both ends of his wormy self, stretching him until he passed out from the pain.

I was no longer in the mood for a nature walk, so I went home and showered to get all the squishiness off of me. Then to unwind, I phoned my booty call, Chun Li. At first she didn't want to have sex, but as soon as she saw my ninja turtle blanket, she jumped on top of me and we went at it.





Oh how I miss those days. But now Chun Li is too busy filming a movie and competing in a new fighting competition. So I don't ever get to see her. Poor sexless Paul...