::...You've never looked as lost as this, sometimes it doesn't even look like you...::

I wrote this a while ago...but I just reviewed my ghosts of xanga's past, and I feel like I need to start listening to these intelligent things I used to say.

::...and when you forget i'm here, i'm not...:: I want to pass along some wisdom to you all...five pieces of advice that I have come to learn over my short lifetime, but five things that could make this world seem infinitely better.  I should like to someday pass them along to my children, but I feel like I have already started...some of my children (my friends) have one or two of these already. #1: There is no living in the present... I will dispel this myth right now.  Physically-yes- you and I are in the present...but the time that it has taken you to read this last sentence proves that we are indeed living in our memory.  Reality exists always one second too late.  We are confronted with a stimulus and by the time we have reacted to it, it is already behind us.  The time that is taken to interpret something, moves us past it...which brings me to my point.  You can dream of the future, experience in the present, but you always LIVE in your memory- the past.  And it is when you learn to embrace that past- that you can truely find happiness.  Regret is what holds us back.  Learn to regret nothing...live you life so that regretting is not an option.  If you do everything in your power rightly, then there will be nothing to regret.  Consider the present an opportunity to start over.  Begin living everyday in a new light.  Do as much right as that is in your power...only then will existing (in the past) be comfortable.  #2:  You are your own best friend... I took a theory class.  My professor seemed like a real nut at first, but sometimes you would hear things that seemed to be spoken directly to you.  This one time he recited a famous line (I forget whose)..."You are a unique person in this common, common world.  They will attempt to drag you from the herd and treat you badly."  I REALLY don't want this entry to sound like a sermon, so bear with me...I swear I have much different intentions.  Sometimes you seemingly have it all.  Other times, the world seems like it has turned against you without warning.  But you can always control one thing: yourself.  YOU are the only person you can depend on.  In the end it doesn't matter who your parents are and how good of friends you have...in the end you can only count on and trust yourself.  You speak to your own mind, and you cannot exist for anyone else, nor can anyone else be you.  If you have not gotten comfortable with yourself, now is a good time...because geez...definitely someday you guys will be maybe more close than you want.  And when that time comes, you better have figured out how to be your own best friend. #3:  Sadness is not bad. This may be the hardest virtue for some people to understand.  Maybe my view of this distinct one is strange...I dunno...I believe in it.  Basically, happiness will come for you when you learn to love the changes you have in emotions.  Crying is incredible...just in the same way laughter is.  Find joy in your sadness and dispair in your feelings of content.  Imagine how horrible it is for someone who is severly, clinically depressed...they cannot feel happiness.  How is that any different than someone who cannot feel sadness.  What fun would life be if you were incredibly upbeat all the time...it would cheapen it and eventually, you would forget what happiness feels like because you would never feel sadness.  You would begin to take it for granted.  Emotional change is wonderful.  Lament is great...it is a reminder that you are alive...and if for nothing else, we should all be incredibly grateful for that. #4:  Your life is nothing without passion. Ok I'm not talking physical passion here...sorry guys...although that does indeed also make the world go around.  More importantly, I want to speak about passion for Things.  This kind of goes with the "you are your own best friend" bit...Make sure that you are passionate about something.  Be sure that you are always working to fulfill some yet attained goal.  Try to keep making the world around you better...for yourself-because you are your own best friend.  Be interested in something and perfect it.  Be a devil's advocate and find all the answers.  I cannot imagine a life with no passion or interests.  If at some point, you feel like you've gotten off track...you have become a machine...take some time to converse with yourself to find out what is missing from you life...where your passion went.  And then go get it back.  If you are unpassionate about something but fear leaving it because of familiarity, etc, then this should be all the more reason to let go.  Holding onto a Thing that is bad for you and that you absolutely could live quite comfortably without, will only hold you back in the end. #5: Words are empty. Haha, look out Patriot Act.  This may be the most important lesson...it is right up there with the whole "not regretting" thing.  In that same theory class, my professor discussed "manifestation."  To manifest simply means to be clear.  I define it as "to obtain."  No matter how many times you tell someone you love them, that love is not real until it is manifested.  You must own you love...just as you must own everything else you say.  You cannot be trusted fully until you show your words in your actions.  Manifest.

I had a dream last night.  My new mazda had this flat tire that must have been there for days, and I had been driving it around everywhere.  I noticed it and sped off the the nearest gas station to fill it (dunno why i didn't park it and change it, but this is my dream and dreams aren't supposed to be logical right?)...but the strangest thing was the fact that my car drove fine, despite the totally flat tire it was driving on.

Sort of like how life continues though pieces of yourself are crippled.

I think I should do some writing and photos about that.

::...I bet you've long since passed understanding, what it takes to be satisfied, you're like a vine that keeps climbing higher, but all the money in the world is not enough, and all the bridges blown away keep floating up...::

My life is finally coming together.  And its all thanks to myself.

::...And I just kept standing 6'1...instead of 5'(4)...::

::...i know some tricks i swear will give you the bends...::

Ok, so apparently there is a heat wave in Maryland, but I still think it is cold as shit.

Thats right, I'm here, in my mom's house, in Annapolis, chilling the fuck out, and loving every second of it.

Its been a bit of a whirlwind trip, but it is so nice to be home with the people I care about the most.

Little update on my life:
Still outta school...that won't start again until (very :( ) soon after new years, but I'm taking MUCH more interesting classes so hopefully I'll be producing some BETTER work.
Still working at the Hyatt...making lots of money, and doing lots of hours, but the right people are taking notice and giving me greater respect.
Still living in Savannah, with my cat...WAITING for YOU ALL to come visit.  punks.

OK so yeah, sorry I erased almost every entry I had written since I had been in GA, but you know...there wasn't much said on them anyway...not much more than "*sigh* i heart my (ex)boyfriend."  Yeah... you know women get a REALLY bad rep for being hard to figure out, impossible, etc...but I've come to decide thats all backwards.  I think I am a rather easy person to be with...men on the other hand...you guys suck...i shall make no more of an effort on any of you.  You'll never recognize a good thing when its in front of you.

But don't feel bad for me.  The single life has never treated me badly.  Just ask Mark-the (unmarried) business guy from Atlanta, Mike-the bartender, Eli-the reeeeeeeally sweet ex-army (eiiii...) guy, or John- the delicious accountant that beat me in scrabble the other night...keeping busy, what can I say...(*brushing off shoulders* lol)

More to come.  Love you all.  Merry Xmas.

::...Oh Well...::

Correction: NOT still with my boyfriend.

::...I don't understand about diamonds
And why men buy them
Whats so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining
But its dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn't have to kill...
Kill myself doin it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you...::

Bought the new Fiona Apple CD...and I love her...all over again.

Update on my life?  Sorry for the esoteric miserable babbling of late.

School ended for me before thanksgiving, and now I'm off until early January...which is awesome because its giving me an opportuntiy to work a lot to pay off all my bills and get some xmas money at the same time.  I got an A and two B's...One of the B's shoulda been an A, but hey, I can't complain...I'm amazed I even survived my first quarter of grad school at SCAD.

I'm coming home at some point around the Xmas holiday...dunno when yet, considering my bosses are being stupid about maybe not letting me be home ON xmas day...which would be SUPER fucked up.  I'll be home soon...worry not.

I am still with my boyfriend...(?)

It is over 60 degrees today in Savannah :)