Men Vs. Women Bathroom Strategies
The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There
must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on
either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to
the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available,
glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right
spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking
straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look
at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head
looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one
will think you are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7) Wash hands.
8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel
dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a
towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
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A Women's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the
first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always
the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding
only after checking every available stall.
2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.
3) Mutter "Slut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and
make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you
will get it.
4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!
7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing
rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!
9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly,
because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the
roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not
get germs from the seat!
11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!
12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing,
make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
14) Flush.
15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and
stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON
CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.
21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your
stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as
possible from that bitch who took your stall.
22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!
23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.
24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.
27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still
putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your
stall scoffs at you.
28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast ... You were really quick this time!
Here's an alternate list for Women:
1. Try to beat all other women into the restroom because there is
always a line and if you let a few in front of you, you could have
another 15 minute wait.
2. Never go to the first stall or stalls directly in front of the
mirrors and basins as someone might be able to see in the stall. Never
ever go to a stall without toilet paper.
3. Enter and lock the stall. (If it doesn't lock or have toilet paper,
look for the next stall) Look for a relatively save place to lay down
anything you are carrying (since we NEVER have pockets).
4. The toilet seat liners are always all gone so just hope the person
who made the toilet seat lid warm before you sat down isn't carrying a
life threatening disease. If the bathroom is really scary, then line it
with toilet paper to be safe or hang over the seat to go.
5. While going, pull off a handful of toilet paper. Never ever drip
dry. If you forgot to look first for toilet paper and there isn't any,
ask for toilet paper from someone nearby. Flush.
6. Walk to sink and try to find a dry clean place to lay down any items
you might be carrying or hold them between your legs.
7. Wash hands with soap. The dirtier the bathroom, the longer you wash them.
8. Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and go
get a handful of toilet paper from the nearest empty stall. NEVER WIPE
HANDS ON CLOTHING!
9. On the way out of the bathroom, try to figure out how to get out with re-touching the door handle.
10.Find boyfriend/husband outside. You knew he would get out there
before you because he doesn't have to pull down his pants all the way
to go, nor does he wash his hands appropriately.
11.Hope the soap you washed your hands with is enough to kill the germs he carried out with him.
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