8/19
i don't know how to start off this post...so much happened last night. good and bad. however i will start with the good:

he and i went out last night. before he came to pick me up i was pretty nervous. i didn't know how the evening would go. i didn't know if things would be ackward or not. well, it turns out that it wasn't ackward at all. i had one of the best times that i have had in such a long time. we had a blast. i had never realized before how much we have in common. it seems like almost everything. as the night went along it was like we clicked. it was nice because we were able to joke with one another, but we were also able to have more serious conversations. the one thing that surprised me the most is how open we were with each other. he actually brought up the fact that he knew that my best friend had liked him, and how it was ackward for him for a while because he didn't feel the same way back. i was in shock that he would bring it up around me. but the moment quickly passed, and everything was fine. i am still in shock at how well the evening went. i can't believe i had such a great time. it made me realize that maybe our friendship might develop into something deeper. i don't mean like romatically, but maybe there was a chance that we could become really good friends. like maybe he could be the guy version of my best friend now.

now, on to the bad stuff:
unfortunately i was stupid enough to lie to my best friend about he and i going out last night. i had left her a message earlier letting her know that we both want to go out, and i wanted to know if she wanted to go with us. she didn't call me back right away, so i assumed that she was still at volleyball practice. because of this he and i made plans to see tropic thunder, because i knew it was a movie that we both wanted to see and my best friend wasn't interested in it. right before i was getting ready to leave, i swear, like two minutes before he picked me up, she called and asked if we were still going out and you know what i told her? i said no, we weren't going out. i don't know why i said it. it just came out. the second i heard myself saying it, i regreted it. it was pretty much the stupidest thing i have ever done. i continued to feel bad the entire evening - well, at least in the back of my head i did - and when i got home i knew i had to tell her what i had done. she was upset at first, but i told her that i was able to figure out my feelings for him. i was able to realize that he and i are just good as friends, nothing more. i told her that i felt terrible, that i was sick to my stomach. i told her that i don't ever want a boy to come between our friendship, because it is totally not worth it. i told her that i would rather stop being friends with him, than stop being friends with her. i told her that i loved her, that she was the best friend that i have ever had. i told her that i want to enjoy senior year. i told her that i don't want to deal with the petty drama. and, fortunately, in the end, she forgave me. she told me not to worry, that she was glad that i was able to figure out what i was feeling. that made me realize what a great best friend she is. i thought she would hate me forever, but she didn't. she took the high road, she decided that it wasn't something that was going to break up our friendship.

i feel so much more releaved now. i still feel like i have more to tell her, about how i came to the decision that i did. i feel like i owe it to her to tell her the truth. except i think i might leave out the part where he told me that he didn't like her back. i don't think she needs to hear that from me. is that a bad decision? or am i making the right choice? i really appreciate all of the comments of support that you all leave me. it makes me feel that i am not the only one who has been through this situation. it is nice to hear what other people think, to get their side of the story, what you guys think i should do. because, in this situation, i think you guys are probably the only sane ones.

8/18
everything sucks now.
it was all great before, and now it completely sucks.

today my best friend and i went out for coffee. i decided that it would be the perfect time to tell her about my feelings for him. turns out, she still likes him. now i regret telling her how i feel. i feel bad for liking the same person that she does. i don't want to like the same person that she does. it makes everything so complicated. i don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt. especially mine. does that sound bad? i love my best friend, but i have to look out for myself before anyone else. i want everything to work out in the end. i don't know what to do.

does anyone have any sugestions? if so, please share. i feel horrible.

edit//

turns out that he and i are going to go see tropic thunder tonight, sans best friend. it is the first time that we are doing anything just the two of us. but, i have offically decided that i am not going to persue anything beyond our friendship. i wouldn't want to jeopardize my relationship with either he or my best friend. i think that that is the best thing to do at the moment.

i need to let all of this go. just have fun. enjoy senior year. stop letting all of the little things bother me. i just hope it all works out in the end.

: )

i am so hungry, but i don't feel like eating.
i've been feeling this way for a while. it started on tuesday, when i ran in to him.
actually, the funny thing is that i saw him at chipotle. and ever since then i've had this weird feeling. it's hard to explain, but i just don't feel the same way i did before. i think i've fallen, fallen hard. i don't like feeling this way, i liked things the way they were before. i don't want to mess things up, we such good friends. but everytime i see that smile...

tomorrow we're going mini golfing. my best friend is going too. i am excited, but nervous at the same time. the last time i saw him, it wasn't like this. i didn't feel quite this way. now, it's like someone has sucker-punched me. i don't know what to do. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about this. not even my bestie. i don't think she would like what she was hearing, especially since she harbered a crush on him for a while. but, this seems different. he acts as if he's interested, but that just makes it worse. i feel as if i am being led on. i would love for something to happen, but what if it doesn't work out. i don't want our friendship to end. i especially don't want my best friend to be upset. i don't know what she would think if suddenly her two best friends were a couple. ugh, it makes me sick everytime i think about it. but, i guess only time will tell...

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okay, i am going to start from the beginning.
my name is shelby and i am seventeen years old. august twenty-fifth marks the first day of my senior year in high school. this site started out has an icon site, a way for me to pass the endless days of summer. eventually, i started to get busier, and the updating came to a standstill. as the summer progressed, i felt that i needed an outlet for my thoughts. the thoughts that i can only share with a bunch of strangers. i don't know how much that makes sense, but that's the way i feel. i decided to make this blog about me. my life, my day-to-day ramblings, a place where i can let everything out. i don't know how many people are going to read this, but i hope to at least make a few new friends.

i hate that i started this blog out writing about a boy. i feel so stupid that i am making this a big deal. i feel as if i need to supress my feelings about him, make them go away. but somehow, i don't want to. it's like my mind/body is telling me that i want to feel this way. as if i want something to happen with this boy, because he is different from all the others. enough about the boy, i am stopping right now.

i'll see you all later.
i hope this all works out.