went back from mainland china...
hear a lot,
see a lot,
think a lot,
and cry a lot,

this is a war...and we must win...if we loss then we will loss everything,

finally i understand what reality is, it is fucking terrible....

haven't typied anything for age....lots want to say...lots want to shout out...and lots want to share...but just too lazy to do this....

going to hk on this coming saturday with him and other fds...and we are going to ocean park for the halloween party...first year to go ..feel so exciting and scared.....have been with him for 3 months...wah...time pass so quick...unbelieveable!!!!

too lazy to type again..

to be continued !!!

10:10am

I know I make him disappointed once again...but i don't mean to do that...that's not something i can control...i've tried my best to go with him..but my schedule and some other reasons don't allow me to go to australia with him... but he just doesn't understand...it is not that simple... i know he've already planned the schedule once we go there...but i am really sorry about it..really...sorry huni..

when i saw what he typed..i really feel heartache...seems like...he has no hope on me again..and i don't know how to make him feel bright again...i feel so tired...seriously....really tired...but be honest...saying from my bottom of my heart i love him so much..and he is just so irreplaceable...but i don't know why i always make him disappointed on me...i really don't know why...as a gf of him, i've been trying to do my best...but he always askes more...is that because i am not doing enough...or just he has a higher standard that i would never be able to achieve...can anyone teach me how to do....

i always think dating is only the matters between the couples, not others...but why dating with him involves so many other people..i know because of the embarrassing relationship between two families..but why is that...i really don't understand.. you know...my postion is stuck  between the 2 sides...i am really tired...i want to shout out that..this is my business...no need others to worry about us...but i know...they just want to make this relationship better...but sometime...it is just too over...and make me has no space to breath...i don't want to up set anyone of them....i rather it is me who undergo the hard time...it is really tired....

I have always tried my best to keep the relationship in good shape..and hope it can last forever...but because of these problems...always make me tired of it....i really wish that night we didn't see each other...if we didn't meet...we would not be a couple...but because we met on that night...we two have a chance to be together..that is what we so called "FATE"...but if there is really a red line to link us together...why the dictance is so long...that i always feel this red line is nearly broken and the fate is going to fade away...why is that.....

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got super drunk last night...cuz the red wine affect... and i know that i made he worry about me so much last night and he got super angry at me today...i am so sorry about that...i didn't mean to get drunk...but sometime just don't know how to control myself..and that is Elina...elina never know how to control herself..that's why i need my hun to guide me..and give me the movtivation to change...i am starting to learn and trying to do my best as a gf... when i saw him today...he looked so sad...and angry...i knew that he tried not to blame me....but just held his emotion.. i felt so heartache when seeing him like that.......cuz i do care about his feeling....but i don't know if he can feel it or not...i think i am falling into this relationship too deep...well...no more space for myself...i am like a blank paper in front of him..don't know why i want him to know everything about me...cuz don't want to hide anything from him...

let's see...don't know where to start...all my confusions are clear now..at least i am no longer feels like shit as before, yes..you are the one..the one that i am looking for so long...well..may be it is too early for me to say that..but at least at this momute....i feel safe and peaceful....you know...i rarely listen to one's word about clubbing and drinking stuffs...but this time..yes..i am listening...i tell him everything ..seriously..including my ex and all the pursuers...i do care about his feeling this time.....

i have never like this before ..but until i meet him..i know...everything is gona to change...

when the date that it came to be the last day....i did doubt if i really want to end this one year relationship..for me it is a pretty long date.....but seriously...i feel so contradiction about my feelings... i don't know what i really want at this moment. When i saw him so drunk last night in the car...my heart really hurts....and then tears came down uncontrolly. why's that.....i wonder myself...and still can't figure it out....

want to call him to know if he is ok today....cuz..i konw it is gona be so hard for him to recover again...but i have to be cruel to him...since i don't want to give him any hope.....otherwise it is me who will regret later.... i don't want that to happen...i don't even want to think that way......

what i can do now is...nothing...just wait the time to pass quickly...so that he will get better..

first day of work...kinda boring...i am the secretary of the boss...well..for me ...i think it is kinda challenging for me cuz i've never done this field of work b4...but one thing i am sure of is that i can keep up my english...cuz there is a lot of paper work that need to be done in english ..this is the only thing that i am interested in this position.

anything....from this morning till now...which is more than 2 hr...i am just sitting and doing nothing...waiting for the boss to come back ...........