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| Jake fell asleep. That's all. No new news.
My ex, who is still a friend of mine, is completely effed on meth/ectasy right now and has been for two days. He's always done drugs, so it's not a big surprise. What is surprising is that he says he's had a big epiphany and that he's not going to do drugs anymore. I hope he doesn't. I don't know if he realizes how bad it hurts me (and others) when he does this to himself. Well, maybe he does realize now. He told me how he hasn't eaten or slept since Thursday and I hate saying this, but a tiny bit of me felt envious of that. oisgasihgsljg. IlikefoodIlikedfood. (Not going to focus on that) He is making me laugh though, as usual.
I had horrible dreams all night. Dreams I don't even want to talk about. Dreams where people die in really awful ways and I feel like a horrible person for being attatched to these thoughts. I'm so sick of them. It has really gotten a lot better but every once and a while (like once or twice a week) I'll have a really bad one. Thing is, I kind of gave up on talking about them. Talking about it only seemed to make it hurt more.
I woke up at 6am with no desire to go back to sleep even though I was so tired. I was incredibly grumpy and actually swore at my cat a few times, as she raced around attacking my feet and knocking stuff off the tv; I never swear at her. Sigh.
I haven't felt like this in a while. I'm sure it'll pass though. I can't feel peachy all the time!
*Update*
I'm going to try and forget this morning. I'm going to go on base at noon and spend time with Jake, because chances are he isn't going to be able to see his commandor today. If I stay here, I'm going to go crazy; I need out. I need distraction.
I'm not mad at anyone, I'm just mad at this whole waiting thing. I mean, as if this situtation wasn't already crappy enough, the waiting makes it worse.
But hey, I'm an optimistic person. I can handle this.
(hopefully I can go on base for sure and Jake doesnt have to talk to the commandor today)
*Update*
I ended up having a really great day on base with Jake. So there ya go. :)
No news, probably won't be for a while. At least now that I know that, waiting won't be so bad. Friday was just hard because I was expecting news that day!
We saw Rocky Balboa, t'was good!
Gonna watch The Sixth Sense on TV now, and maybe make pudding.
More tomorruh. Although, I've decided that I should spend more time opening up to Jake (and in my real journal) and less time opening up on here. It'll make me feel better, I think.
Check out: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DietReport
http://www.xanga.com/TheThinCafe
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| It's Friday.
Fingers crossed.
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
Healthspo:
1:36pm. Does the girl above look like me? Someone said it did. To me, she looks much thinner than I do. Still, I'm very flattered.
I don't want to wait anymore. Sigh. My lunch is not sitting well in my stomach; I'm too anxious/nervous. I feel a bit nautious. If Jake hasn't met with the commandor by tonight, I might go on base and see Rocky Balboa with him. We've been wanting to see that since it first came out.
I did a Before and After post on my healthspo site, if you're interested: http://www.xanga.com/healthyisthenewthin
4:36pm. Jake said 'be right back' on msn hours ago. I'm hoping the fact that he hasn't come back means he's talking to the commandor. You know how when you're nervous you feel all tingly and stuff? Butterflies, I guess. I feel that way today. Today sucks, so far (but I appreciate your comments!)
8:30pm. Nothing. I don't know what to think. Did Jake get to talk to his commandor? It wouldn't have taken this long though (like 7 hours)... Ugh. I hate this. My palms are sweaty, my stomach feels queasy and I want to cry because this stupid anticipation is torture. I hope everything turns out fine and I feel stupid for feeling this way later. Ughhhhhh.
I really hope he got to talk to his commandor today. At least then I can go on base tomorrow morning.
Omgosh, I hate this so much! I'm going crazy. (I probably sound like I'm overreacting, but I don't care)
I forgot he doesn't have class tonight. He'd better come online soon. :(
10:32pm. I can't do this. I'm going to bed.
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| Holy crap! 53 comments! That's definitely the most I've ever recieved. Thanks so much! :)
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The horoscopes on Myspace always seem to be so true for me (and Jake- I check his (Virgo) when I check mine (Cancer)). It's weird. I don't necessarily believe in horoscopes, though I do buy into some of the zodiac signs stuff. Anyway, they just so happen to be true whenever I check them.
Todays: You might already be anticipating the weekend, especially if you have something special on your social calendar. But it's more important now to deal with your job duties than to dream about taking time off. Instead of living in the future, take your day one step at a time. Once you are finished with your work, then it will be easier to relax and enjoy yourself.
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Today is entirely in my hands and I'm not really sure what to do with it. Jake has a lot of things he needs to get done, so he's going to try and not come online. I could read a book, I suppose; I seem to get too restless these days though. I guess I'll clean the apartment, because it really needs to be done. I'm going to aim for 1000 situps since I never did it the other day (I did do 400 though). I'm going to try to do it in two sets of 300 and one set of 400, so that I can really feel the burn. I watch way too much TV these days, it's so stupid. I think it makes me feel less lonely, or something; lame. Tomorrow is Friday and I'm so nervous to hear the "verdict"; sort of odd, knowing our future is depending on the decision of a man I've never even met. (can you see how all of this could tie into my horoscope? yeah).
♥
Heathspo:
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I'm 15lbs heavier in this picture than I am now, but I like how small I kind of look.
*Update*
It is absolutely beautiful outside today (54F/12C degrees out and very sunny), but I don't know where to go to enjoy it. That's so incredibly lame. I really dislike the area I live in, I've decided. It's so run down. You rarely even see people walking around. It's like everyone's afraid of one another, until you step inside and then they're all as friendly as can be. And everything looks so dead. Why aren't there more flowers?
I took out the garbage, cleaned my kitchen and checked the mail (I swear I was expecting something today, though I can't remember what- there was nothing though). Now I need to clean the bathroom, bedroom and livingroom. Oh joy.
I would rather be outside with friends eating popcicles and swinging on swings, or something. I miss "home", I guess. Strange to think that I'll be a guest at my own house when I go to visit now. I miss a lot of things, I'm realizing. However, missing them is worth being here because I get to see Jake a couple times a week.
Want to know a secret? If Jake gets re-classed and we get based at Lackland instead of here at Sheppard, I won't mind. I really won't. In fact, part of me is hoping that does happen. I've realized that I'm just not happy enough here. It's not like I'm misereable and there are things I definitely like, but I feel like I could be happier (and Jake too). I don't live living so far away from the base because it makes it harder to go and visit; I can't simply walk across the street to see him for an hour, I have to shell out $30 for a cab and spend an hour waiting and driving. I don't like this neighbourhood, as I said before. The only good thing about here is the people; I've met some really nice people. I'd feel bad that Jake would have to leave his friends here, but I understand that's inevitable anyway. I like the city of Wichita Falls just fine, but it's not like I get to see much of it. So, there you have it. As much as I say I'm afraid of change, I think we could use it. And I lied when I said I was starting to feel settled here, I don't really. I just feel like a visitor. Hey, now it's not a secret.
This is not to say I'm unhappy; I'm not. I simply want more for myself, for Jake and for the both of us together. I don't think that's too much to ask.
100 200 300 400 500 600 700 800 900 1000 1100 1200 1300
STOMACH EXERCISES. Geez. I just say situps because it's easier! They are all different versions of a situp anyway.
I like to do 4 kinds in sets of 25 each-
1. my knees bent and legs in the air,
2. then regular crunches with my feet on the ground and knees bent
3. ones with my legs flat on the ground (works your upper abs well)
4. then I put my hands beneat my butt and raise my legs up and down by about 6 inches, which works my lower abs (which is what I expecially want to work right now). Sometimes, I will also do side situps, but I didn't today. Today, I did 300 (in sets of 25 of each of the 4 exercises), and then a bit later did 300, and then later did 400. That was my goal. Then, I ended up doing another 100, and then later another 200. So there ya have it.
*Update*
I'm lonely tonight. Poo. Jake came online, just for a few minutes, but it made me smile that he thought to come online before work just to say hi and I love you.
Now I'm painting my nails black (why not?) and watching The Office. I'd watch The OC at nine, if I got Fox. Oh well, I don't really feel like I'm missing out.
I really feel like snacking tonight, so I think I may have to finish my frozen apple slices.
Yay, it's the weekend. Finally. This week actuallly went by sort of quickly! I thought it wouldn't.
Strout out! ahahah. That was so lame. (I say lame a lot, I know)
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| The truth about aspartame: http://www.dorway.com/badnews.html
Aspartame is found in almost all diet sodas, except 7up (that I know of; it uses Splenda). Basically, if something has 0 calories and tastes sweet... it might have aspartame. Crystal Lite usually has it, although I'm told that some don't.
I want this shirt!!:
It helps that Natalie Portman is so awesome.
Maybe it'd be a little weird to wear that on a military base.. *Shrug* I'm not going to change who I am simply because my husband is in the service. I'm somewhat of a pacifist, always have been! *Update* Yay!! Sarah found that shirt for me online, and it'd only cost me $25.75 to order online! I really want to get it. The group is anti-war and for people who don't agree with the post-911 policy in the US. I'm not exactly anti-war, but I do believe it should be a last resort. There are a lot of uncessary wars going on.
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I was tagged so here is my list of six weird things about me:
1) When I'm in a really good mood, I often get the urge to sing. Usually, I have to restrain myself, because I'll be walking around the mall wanting to sing along to the songs or something.
2) I really really enjoy frozen fruit, especially blueberries. Apples, pineapple, strawberries, blackberries, pineapple are also very good frozen!
3) I haven't had a chocolate pudding cup since I ate one and purged years ago nor have I have one of those "kid packs" at a movie theatre where it comes with a drink, popcorn and candy.. for the same reason.
4) I probably make at least one To Do list every day, whether it's in my head or on paper.
5) I'm a sucker for anything less than $5, it's ridiculous.
6) I will often imagine myself on a talk show, like Oprah, and go over what things I would say, do etc. It's not that I want to be famous, I just want to be heard, I guess.
If you read this: TAG, YOU'RE IT.
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Took some pictures of myself.
It's frusterating, because I'll look at myself in the mirror and actually think I look good but then when I see myself in a picture, I don't think I do! I tend to just try and go with what others tell me, because I think my own self image is still a little scarred.
Oh,this is the journal Camille gave me in my care package.
 I like my hipbones. I always feel like my "ponch" ends up looking big in pictures though. Maybe it is big.  I had a side view pic, but I was in a thong and didn't really want my butt on the internet, so I took it down. I never think my boobs are very big until I see a picture, they're big in comparison to the rest of me. I hate the lines I get over my ribs.  Stomach is looking more firm since I've been doing situps. :) 
I feel really good about myself, but I do wish I felt better about those pictures. I try to trust how I feel more than how I see, but sometimes that's tough!
*Update*
I went for a run! I only went for 20 minutes but I ran most of the time (well, jogged). I never ran for more than like 4 minutes at a time, but when I walked it was only for 30-60 seconds because that's all I needed to feel recharged. Anyway, the point was to simply get out there and run and I did! So I feel really good about that. And now I'm super sweaty, which also feels good in a icky sort of way. I definitely could have gone out for longer, but I really wasn't sure where to run... didn't really want to go around the neighbourhood too much but running along the highway wasn't too pleasant either. Oh well!
I know that if I can get myself to do this a few times a week, it'll make a big difference fast. Running works your body unlike any other form of exercise.
Also, checked the mail and my money order from Morgan arrived. She told me to hold onto it in case I need it (meaning, in case Jake gets discharged, heh). Also, got a postcard from Ashlee! I love my friends.
I'm still not counting calories but I decided I should today just to see how on track I am. I want to make sure that I am eating at least 1500 calories, since that's what I'm trying to do! So, I entered all the food I've eaten/plan on eating today and... 1524 calories. And that's with a lot of food! It's just that I eat pretty healthy stuff, so it doesn't really add up too quickly, y'know? Ah well. I'm doing pretty well, I think.
I'm watching an E! Hollywood story called "Love Behind Bars"- interesting stuff!
*Update*
Oy, I don't feel well. I'm really not sure why. I just feel really nautious. Lately, I've been getting dizzy spells again; they had stopped for a while. But yeah, I'm just going to lay down and watch a movie, or else sleep. Tamara invited me over but I felt I had to pass. :(
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