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Eminemily730
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Name: Emily
Country: United States
State: New Jersey
Birthday: 7/30/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: hey guys...thanks for stopping by my xanga...im a student at Rowan University and am apart of the Delta Alpha class of Delta Phi Epsilon. i love all types of music and being with my friends. going out and having a wild time is a plus too. im a cali girl born and raised but some people say that im a jersey girl at heart. i hope you enjoy that wild and crazy things i have to say because im not like any other girl youll ever know. im a goddess...whether you like me or not :)
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  eminemily730
Member Since:
9/22/2003
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| Don't judge me...I am not a perfect individual and like all imperfect individuals I do not have control over every aspect of my life. I wake up at 5:30am Monday through Friday and I do not get out of bed until 5:50am. I am always at least one minute late for work and every other day there is a fight in my mind over whether I should take the quick drive to get myself some McDonalds breakfast. On those days, my patience and intelligence is tried and tried by eighteen children of the ages of three and four. These children are children I have grown to love and they are my happiness, but although they are my happiness they are my stress as well. When 2:30 rolls around I go to the gym or go home to rest or take care of things I need to take care of then at 5:30 I leave to go to a second job where I take care of infant twins. I usually don't come home until Eight O' Clock and when I do get home my mind and senses are numb. I flow through my apartment with thoughts flying through my mind about how tired I am and how excited I am to get into my bed. I do not have the money to spend at the bar. I do not have a boyfriend to spend time with and I do not have friends who can always accomodate my work schedule in order to hang out, so I spend most of my nights with my favorite shows to keep me company and I go to sleep early and on most nights alone with my thoughts.
For those of you who don't know me, I worry all the time. Most of the time I am worrying about other people like my family and my friends. I worry about how I can make someone elses life easier or how I am not around enough to take care of my family and friends. I don't have the luxuries that others have to live life easy every once in a while and never will I judge someone for making a mistake. I feel like I have to constantly walk on eggshells or justify my actions to everyone when it is my life, m choices, my health on the line. I used to not give a shit about what people thought about me. My friends reminded me of this a little while ago, they reminded me of the person who was a bitch, a strong woman, someone that no one could take down, not with words nor actions...so when did I become this person who cares.
In the last month I have made one of the hardest decisions in my life, to move back to California to be with my family. Instead of spending time with the people I love, I spend it fighting with them and defending myself to them or worrying about them hating me or being angry with me. All I want is the same courtesy I give to everyone else, the right to live my life without being judged, not for who I am or the actions I make. I pride myself for always staying true to my heart but that doesn't always mean that it is easy because more likely than not it isn't easy. No one knows what it's like to be me and I will never say that I have it harder than anyone else I know because I know that that isn't true but please, do not judge me until you understand me and what I do...
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" Mother Theresa
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| It's not in a picture...It's the ache I feel in my chest, the scent you left when you were by my side, the way I remember your eyes when I catch you giving me that look and the time we spent together that makes it all worth remembering. It's not in a picture that I keep my memories of you all but within my mind and my heart. I have been blessed with lovers past who have taught me a limitless amount about love and life. Right now it seems silly for me to feel lonely when I have experienced so much love in my life. The more I have been saddened by the thought of being lonely though the more I realize that it is not love nor companionship that I seek. It is the thought of knowing that I have someone who will be there for me no matter what. We always have people in our lives who read our sad away messages or statuses or xangas and comment every so often and ask how we are but it is rare in life that we have that one person who understands you enough to pull you out of a slippery place every single time. It is true that we must learn to rely on ourselves in order to survive in this world? Because it has always been said that the only person you can truly rely on is yourself, but then why do best friends exist? I constantly feel like there are people around me who offer their friendship up to me but when I need them they always have an ulterior motive or don't know how to listen. Must I constantly cater to people and be there for them when they are not there for me? I am tired of being the one who remains upset and silent in order to make other people happy. I am not ready to give up my happiness in order for others who don't deserve it can be happy. So right now, I am back to square one, where I trust no one and take care of myself and the very few who I know are there for me always. To those people, you know who you are, I love you.
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| It's so hard...I guess I never really let anyone know how much I truly hurt from being let go. I wanted to seem strong and for a moment I thought I was. I am dealing with this break-up much better than I thought I would but honestly, it is because we haven't completely let each other go. I am happy with the way things are going and how my life without him has unfolded. I have been able to stand on my own two feet and expand my social circle to a group of people I am truly lucky to have found to be my friends. What I am not happy with it the extreme sadness I feel when I think of how much I truly miss him. I am not strong enough to admit it to anyone or open up to anyone enough to truly explain how much I cry when I think of how inadequate I feel to know that I am alone. I don't know what to do anymore...
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| On television shows and movies, it is always easy for a character to get over his or her heartache. The ex couple stands in front of a home and she says "I can't forgive you for treating me the way you did and I am moving on with my life" and she walks away. Meanwhile, the male never says anything in return, he just has an understanding, sad look in his eyes to let the audience know that wow, maybe he is sorry after all. She turns away as if it wasn't hard, as if turning her back on the person she once loved or still loves didn't turn her stomach and make her heart stop for just a moment. And the male, well, he walks away too, in his power suit, hands in his pockets as the music slowly fades away. It can never be like that in real life because he will always have some lame excuse as to how he still loves her and how it all still matters. It can never be like that in real life because walking away from someone is never that easy...although I wish it truly was.
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| It's still hard...I've been incredibly good for a while. On most days I would say great even. My thoughts are no longer consumed by him or his actions but with me and the things that are going on in my life right now. It has gotten easier to see him or think of him as just my friend and as each day passes I find myself getting stronger and better, which is how things are meant to be. I thought that with each heartbreak dealing with it would get easier, but I find that with each time it happens and the older I get, the harder it truly is to deal with. Granted, I am dealing with this situation far better than I thought I would, but there are constantly hurdles that I have jumped or will have to jump that still make my heart and soul a bit uneasy.
I fell for his facade in the beginning, the smooth talking flirt who knew exactly what to say and do to catch your attention. The warning signs should have gone up then because he played a game I was extremely familiar with, a game that I had played for a long long time. I let him get the best of me just like all the girls will and when they really find out what he is after...I would like to say that they would learn their lesson but the cloud of his charm will roll over their eyes and once again...he will win. It will never really be about them, it's about the chase and the thrill, the "fun" as he put it once and because of that maybe I should feel like I am a dime a dozen. The reason why I say this is because I, out of all of them caught his attention enough for him to be with me for the longest he has been with anyone. I can't say that we will always be friends or that we will ever see each other again but I am lucky enough to say that I will never be forgotten by him. I take pride in the fact that I was so special for so long to him but at the same time that pedestal that I was put on is no longer one I can bear to stand on.
It may be silly for me to feel neglected by him because he constantly gives me attention when I ask for it. But what if I go mute one day and can't ask for it anymore, along with my voice would go all of the affection that has come along with our friendship. There are days where I am tired of being the one to call all the time or take the initiative when I know that he has the time and puts in the effort to talk to people he "barely cares about" I am getting tired of the excuses and for once I really do understand it when they say "Actions speak louder than words" because really, actions speak volumes over words.
I take on all of the warnings from my friends whom I trust to heart, but I know that I must do things my own way. It is the only way I can allow myself to learn. I have always lived my life the way I wanted and have dealt with consequences later, but that is how I will learn to be happy. You have to go through the hard times in order to experience the truth in happiness and I truly believe that. It may break my heart over and over again and I may cry myself to sleep but in the end I will know that I forced myself to live and learn and for that I am stronger.
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