1.Ten things I hate about me.

~I can give "unmotivated" an entirely new definition. When I'm unmotivated, I don't play around. ---I'll have to steal this one for myself. I can't get myself to do things.
~My appearance. I hate the way I look and I hate that I hate myself from the envy.
~I can't take a compliment. I think people are lying or I make the excuse that the picture isn't showing the real me. I hate that I "hate" other females for being pretty.
~I can be very immature at times. For instance, I recently deleted my best friend because I felt put aside. How silly is that?
~I'm learning that I'm way more angry than I thought. I let a lot slide calmly and without any negative reaction, but when I do get upset or frustrated I'm pretty scary.
~I draw people in too close.
~I think everything's about me. If you're sad, I must have caused it. If you're mad, you must be mad at something I did. And so on. I take things personally. I'm so scared of the day an idiot will insult me in public, it'd be devastating.
~That I have no life. I "virtual my reality" too much. This ties into the first one.
~I hate that not only does my SAD and BDD stop ME from doing things, but also those around me.
~That I am most of the time depressed and have nothing happy or interesting to say about myself.

2.Ten things I like about me.

~My amusing thoughts.
~How I create deep relationships with folks.
~That I love learning and improving. My curiousity.
~That I can be helped easily; without bringing down the other person. I'm not so hard-headed.
~That I like the types of things that I'm attracted to; that interest me.
~Actually, I'd consider myself optimistic, ha! When things go bad I take the view that somehow they will work out.
~I like that I'm not a brand person and not materialistic. I'm so cheap. :x I'd love you forever if you MADE me something instead of bought it.
~That I am forgiving to others, and give many "second" chances because I know we're only human; constantly growing.
~I live and let live.
~Even though I've studied a good bit on some subjects, I don't think I know it all and I leave open that I could be wrong.

3.Ten secrets. (I don't really have secrets, so this is hard.)

~I have code words for things I'm not comfortable talking about outloud. (I have my own language, Meganese, that atleast a few people speak.)
~After I post anything online - I relook at it a zillion times. (Pictures, music, bulletins, so on.)
~Most of you don't know I emotionally cheated. I'm not too eager to discuss that.
~Some of you don't know I have BDD, or atleast it seems to me I do. You probably don't know I have Dysthymia aswell.
~I'm pretty ghetto in that if there's a problem and some duct tape around - The problem will be fixed...and taped. Not just tape, of course. I use many things unconventionally.
~Some of you may not know I was quite a Christian.
~I may have half-siblings from my biological father; whoever he is.
~I could make a good assumption that there's sexual pictures of me online as a child.
~My grandparents were like my parents.
~I'm scared of the ocean and the dark a bit.

4.Ten favorite/influential memories.

~PawPaw's death.
~Meeting Boo for the first time; coming out for the first time in awhile.
~There's so many of drunken and drugged family members. I'll name the one where mom said she hates me.
~My sister's comments of my appearance.
~Sexual intercourse for the first time.
~Nose pierced. :)
~Dance team try-outs. (Katia! You left me on stage, lol.)
~Bringing home awards, ribbons, certificates, and report cards.
~The beach with Caitlin. :) And those sleepovers with her.
~First kiss.

5.Ten guilty pleasures. (I dont fully agree with feeling guilty about something that pleases me.)

~Gangster Rap. And in general, music that is degrading to women.
~Being online so much.
~I "over-sleep" often (and sometimes we have things to do).
~Editing my pictures so much.
~Daydreaming (instead of making things happen).
~Christmas. Receiving gifts.
~Playing video games with Boo. I feel he could be having more fun playing with "the boys" online.
~Laughing hysterically. Maybe even talking. Afterwards, I feel I was annoying and shouldn't have let myself go.
~Spending any money.
~Hurting Boo in his area. =P It's evil, but fun! lol.

6.Ten quirks.

~My Meganese (which is 95% jibberish). I speak it everyday. XD I'd say it's my primary language for spoken word.
~My pillow and blanket has to be a certain way, my myspace page has to be scrolled to a certain place, the fan has to be turned a certain way, so on. I'm OCD about so many more things. You name it. I *could* make this whole list about my OCD things, but I won't.
~I guess that I don't eat much meat, and take the meat out of many of my meals. *shrug.
~Squeezing things <3. Give me something squishy (usually yourself :P) and you'll make me smile.
~I am always moving my tongue; sticking it out, circling it. I like doing that for some reason.
~I don't answer calls I don't know. And when on the phone with anxiety I either talk fast or weirdly vary my tempo, and giggle a lot.
~I put peroxide on my face throughout the day. (Be it, because I ran out of acne creme and I'm too cheap to buy more. I have to feel like I'm doing something to help my skin.)
~Boo says it's weird that I have to match my socks. Idk.
~I put deodorant on right before I go to sleep. Not because I get sweaty, but so I wont feel dry. That doesn't even make sense.
~I seem to have no sense of time =P. I do things backwards much of the time. I stay up all night and sleep during the day. I eat tv dinners for breakfast and cereal for dinner.

7.Ten things I own and can't live without, but could.

~Chap stick =X
~Computer. Internet.
~Lotion. Hate to be dry anywhere.
~Juice. I have to have something to drink at all times. I sip my drink, but get thirsty easily.
~My camera.
~Music =X This is a common one, but I love finding music.
~Lovely Friends.
~Make-up. I wouldn't be able to go out if I didn't have it.
~Snacks. =X I usually sleep through meals, so. *continues eating ice cream*
~Some cooling system; be it the wind, a fan, or an A/C. I can't stand being hot!

8.Ten things I want to change about myself.

~Be courageous. Be a go-getter. Be motivated.
~Be independent.
~Be social. Have friends.
~Be prettier.
~Complain less (and do more to solve it).
~Be emotional and expressive (versus numb, cold, distant).
~Be wiser, more in-the-know, more intelligent, and diverse in knowledge.
~Healthier, fit, energized, less depressed.
~Gain confidence.
~Depend less on my internet life.

9.Ten things I want to be changed about the world and its people.

~I wish people were passionate and proactive; took care of themself and each other; weren't careless and destructive---without needing fear to do that. I can't currently say I am this.
~I wish the governments weren't filled with bullshit and ass-kissing liars. As well, REALLY get "church" out of "state".
~More accepting of other who they may not agree with --gays for one! Mata fukas.
~A path to legalization for US illegals. (Atleast who have been here years and have made a life here without causing trouble; and especially those brought over as children who didn't choose the consequences. And don't take away more of their money and charge them lots of fees to do that, assholes!)
~No more sex slaves! Especially with children.
~More literacy. Especially for females, dammit. (While US is 99% literate, less than 13% of Afghan females are.)
~In Darfur: do something to end the killings.
~Death to snap rap. =X
~Stop putting churches on every corner. We need more (cheap or free) therapy, rehab, and after-school centers.
~Make the GED tests here online. <_<

10.Ten words or sentences that describe me.

~Nice.
~Understanding.
~Awkward.
~Fearful.
~The Hate You Gave Little Infants Fucks Everybody.
~Quiet.
~Sexual.
~Honest.
~Progress is a slowwwwwww process.
~Curious.

---

• We all gon' die, we bleed through similar veins.
  

• Steady study your lessons and keep the crowd guessin'!

• I'd rather die than be a slave.
  Slaves come as dope dealers, some come as addicts.

• But through whatever you see,
  through all the rain and the pain,
  you gotta keep your sense of humor.

• If you believe then you can achieve
  Just look at me
  Against all odds, though life is hard we carry on
  Livin' in the projects, broke with no lights on
  To all the seeds that follow me
  protect your essence
  Born with less, but you still precious

• Don't let'em make you worry 
  keep swingin' at these suckas till you buried.

• On the whole, I don't have any friends. Friends come and go; I've lost my trust factor. I believe I have people who think they're my friend. And I believe that there are people probably in their heart who are friends toward me or are friends to me. But they're not my friends, because what I learned is that fear is stronger than love. So soon as somebody scaries comes along, they won't be my friend anymore. I learned that on the floor at Times Square-so I don't have friends, I have family.

• Mama told me they're be days like this
  But I'm pissed cause it stays like this
  

• Unlock my brain, break tha chains of your misery

• Say no to drugs but the governments' keep it
  Running through our community, killing the unity

• But its wrong to keeping someone from learning something
  So get up, its time to start nation building
  I'm fed up, we gotta start teaching children
  That they can be all that they wanna to be
  There's much more to life than just poverty

• Conquer the enemy on with education

• Know thy self, teach what we been through

• I am what you made me
  The hate and evil that you gave me

• Never surrender, it's all about the faith you got don't ever stop, just push it til you hit the top and if you drop, at least you know you gave your all be true to you, and that way you can never fall.

• You got to find a way to survive cause they win when your soul dies.

• Some of us kill, but still, most of us can change.

• To me, I feel that my game is strong. I feel as thought I'm a shining prince, just like Malcolm, and I feel that all of us are shining princes, and if we live like princes, then whatever we want can be ours. Anything.

• And now i'm like a major threat, 'Cause I remind you of the things you were made to forget.

• ... be true to you, believe that there is no one bigger

Holding back is what I do when I first meet someone, and a couple times after that. After I learn them, I'll let them learn me (if I find them not a threat). There's quite a difference between the withheld me and the me I become. I don't have any friends here of my own. I just hang out with my bf when he hangs with his friends. But I don't mind. Males are easier for me to befriend than girls, and I'm not one to have teenage friends..I suppose I perceive both as very judgmental; always criticizing others in their head. But sometimes I feel like a bad person because there's times when I can be difficult. I guess this is the bad side of being social..You worry about these things. I imagine people are thinking that I'm close-minded, even ignorant, stubborn, not good enough for my bf - and I want to revert back to being withheld me. To spare myself the embarrassment of being myself. I hated being withheld and then I am ashamed of  myself on the other side too...

But it's much better.

I actually did plan to revert back with one person. But you know what? I didn't, I seemingly couldn't. Because it's all learned and it's all routine. That's why facing your fears is the best killer of them. You learn to not be afraid of it, by making it routine..

Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not. -Virgil Thomson