Wow, I haven't been on in forever.

I've been so caught up in everything that's going on that I kinda forgot about this.

Over the past 3 weeks I put on 5 lbs. :/

Week one, we had family over for my aunts birthday and we either went out or my mom cooked a HUGE dinner. Week two, Sarah came for a visit. She blamed the way we ate on me, but she was the one that raided my pantry and fridge and made me buy her food. We also smoked, which caused some major munchies.                          Week three, I went back to oklahoma and stayed with my grandparents, who choose to show love by feeding us. I also smoked again on Sunday... That was the worst high of my life. I also ate a fuck load.

I'm back in Texas now, though. There are no drugs I can get ahold of here other than diet pills. Which I plan on taking religiously. They're a better high anyways. Weed makes me eat too much and break out. As fun as it is, I think I'm going to have to cut down on how often I've been doing it.  

I'm back in Texas now. I miss everyone, but I'm glad. I gained weight in Oklahoma. That's why I hate staying with my grandparents. Next time I go I'm going to make sure that I'll be out of the house all day and hopefully most nights.

I attempted fasting yesterday. It went really well until my mom woke me up for dinner saying that "Families eat together and you haven't eaten anything all day so you have to have dinner with us." I ate less than my 8 year old sister and it was still too much.

I'm going to go back on the celery diet. I lost about 4 lbs in a week with that. It might not work as well since my mom is going to make me eat something other than celery for dinner, but I have diet pills too.

I'm hoping to have lost about 10 lbs by the time I go back to Oklahoma. That will put me at 117-118.

My parents won't buy a scale. Not being ale to weigh myself is killing me.

This is all a game. I never have been and never will be good enough.

I'm a failure. I've binged twice this week. Purdged both times. I'm through with the binging shit. I'm going to ween myself off of purding. I don't want to fully quit. I've grown comfortably attatched. But I am going to go back to fasting a whole lot more. Eating only once a day. Drinking only green tea, black coffee and water. No more soda. No more junk food. I'm going to start working out a whole lot more.

Honestly, I'm glad that I have curves and that I'm not built like a little boy. But I hate always feeling so gad damn fat all the time. I hate myelf.

Today was the first day I got almost all the way through without thinking of Blake or Sean. I'm almost proud of myself for not thinking of it, but then I get to thinking and it's not like I'm going to be able to forget what happened. As hard as I try, it's not going to work. So I may as well just quit trying. The memories and flashbacks are just inspiration to lose more weight. I mean.. as fucked up as it may sound, if I do for some reason have to see Blake again and something does happen, I don't want him to be completely disguisted with me.

I don't think I've felt this distant from everything in a long time. It's almost like I'm a robot. I go through the motions. Say all the right things, or absolutely nothing at all. Then I get out of site and only come around when asked too. Spending holidays with family is always really hard. I miss my dad. But I'm glad he can't see me like this.

My brother thinks Bryce is going to beat me. I don't think he will, but who knows. I just recently found out that I'm dating an alchoholic Blood... Honestly, it scares the shit outta me. But I can't try make him stop. I'd be being hypocritical.

And again. I ate too much.

I'm waiting for Bryce to call me back, then I'm gonna go purdge.

I lot.

I feel bad for doing it. I want to tell him. But I can't.

My throat is bleeding.

So is the back of my mouth where my wisdom teeth are cutting in.

It hurts like hell, but I gotta get skinny.

So I can deal.

I gotta work tomorrow. I'm glad that the air conditioning is finally working. No more passing out.

I think eating more than once a day is making me sick.