This is a letter I have written to my father as a final farewell to him after all he has done to me over the years.
Read @ will
(by the way) The song playing <--- is meant to go along with this letter
Dear Daddy,
Right now some things are going on that should never come
about between a father and his daughter.
I wish that I didn’t have to do the things that I have done, but I too
must survive some how, whether you care or not.
My entire life I looked up to you and adored you more than anyone in
this world. My only desire was to make
you proud, but it just seemed like everything I did would just demote me in
your mind. I spent a few years hurting
because of this, and eventually it just became a part of my life that I just
had to “deal with”. Because of the
current events between you and me that are taking place, I had chosen to never
speak with you again because I couldn’t handle the pain of it all, but then I
realized that our last conversation would have been the one where you accused
me of lying…remember? So I decided that
I would rather leave you with a question that I have pondered for several
years, but still have not been able to fabricate a precise answer. Maybe you can clear it up for me and give me
some closure. I was just wondering when,
exactly, you stopped loving me. I realize that one could never REALLY pinpoint
the exact time in which their love for someone dies, but maybe you could just
give me an estimate of the bout?
Could it have been as early as the day I was born, when you
could hold me almost entirely in the palm of your hand? Or was it because you,
and everyone else, saw your own reflection in my newborn face?
Was it’s because of that time when you spilled your coffee
one morning, and I hid in the corner because I thought it was somehow my
fault? Could it have been because of all
those times I peaked when you were setting up all of my gifts on Christmas
Eve? Maybe it’s because I made you have
a tea party with me one day right after you had gotten done with your daily
jog.
Was it the day that I rode a horse by myself for the first
time, the day that I became terrified of horses because one took off with me,
or maybe even the day that I decided that I wasn’t afraid of them anymore after
all?
Could you have stopped loving me on my first day of school?
Or was it the day I graduated from high school.
Maybe it was the first performance I ever made at my
kindergarten graduation ceremony. Or…maybe it’s because I developed a love for
performing throughout my childhood and used my vocal abilities to attend
various honorary singing functions. Or was it when I started dance lessons? Or
maybe it was when I discovered that I could play the piano by ear.
Maybe it’s because the United States Navy found me to be
sufficiently qualified in math and physics to become a member of the most
prestigious division of the Navy, more formally known as the nuclear
division.
Was it because my sophomore year I had terrible acne? Maybe
you were embarrassed by the horrifying appearance of my face. Or maybe you
couldn’t stand to look at me and you just turned your back on me once and for
all. And then it didn’t even matter when I blossomed into the beautiful girl I
am now.
Could it have been because shortly after you moved out I
accidentally broke down at one of our dinners and began to cry because I
couldn’t be strong anymore and bite back tears like you had always taught me to
do? Or is it because I watched you cry that day too.
I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you stop loving
me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be strong
and hide the pain forever. My pain is now here in black and white screaming out
loud to you in my final farewell. In my
final desperate attempt to make you proud of me, I want to make you aware that
I am fine. I grew up into the woman I am
now on my own without the safe
security of knowing that my father loved me.
I made friends and enemies, and learned to love others. I dealt with the humiliation of my skin
problems and learned how to choose real friends. I learned how to carry myself and how to read
people. I became one of the best singers in my school chorus and the state. I
learned how to drive. I found my savior Jesus Christ and learned to walk with
him and live for him. I graduated from high school, received the HOPE
scholarship, and was accepted into the nuclear division of the Navy. I learned
to stand up for what I believe in and what I deserve. I guess you weren’t
excluded in all that there is to know, love, and appreciate about me in that I
grew up to be a beautiful young lady…and my looks are still, as they were when
I was a baby, a reflection of you. Although I’m sure you are in a way happy
that you missed the hassle of all these precious moments of my childhood, there
was ONE thing that you did succeed in helping me with. Because there was a lack
of your love, I was forced to be strong. Getting through the seven most
vulnerable years of my life without my father’s love was not easy, it took
strength and courage that I would never have conjured if you had actually been
there for me.
If the pain in my heart upsets you…I feel no remorse.
Because the faint feelings that you have of anger and sadness right now could
never in a million years compare the anger and sadness that lived with for the
past seven years. But it is over
now. This letter is my release...when
you put this letter down and out of your mind, it will still exist screaming
and crying for eternity, full of all the pain and heartache I felt for so long.
I want you to know that I never stopped loving you for one
moment, I still love you, and I will never stop loving you. But now you see
what this child with unconditional love for you saw in you all these years.
It’s a shame it ended this way. I wish you the best in all
that you do.
Love Always,
Amanda Rae Wright | 
