therapy worthy

i've tried to live my life to the fullest. attempted to live without regrets. but even as i look back....there are a few. and there were times i didnt live my life to the fullest. it was either i put my head down n just worked and let days, weeks and months go by without my knowledge or it was me not caring about anything at all. with everything that has happened i have to admit i've gone a bit numb. n i really dont know who i am n what i'm doing anymore. ppl have said " take charge of your life"  but umm that would mean more change...i dont think i can handle any more changes in my life. " but for certain things you can control it....what life deals u, u cant...but what u do about it...u have a choice" hmmm i guess my friends have a point. if i had the cash...i would seriously disapear for a month just to recollect my thoughts but until then i'm stuck here thinking of how complicated everything is.

Did i forget my grown-up clothes or something?

I don't think i've ever felt so annoyed for being treated YOUNG i suppose. I went to calgary not too long ago....my that was an interesting trip. It's always good to visit ACTUAL family and just to get away from everything.( something i've been needed for soo damn long) However, knowing my luck...the things i wanted to get away from....came..found me n kicked me in the head. Oh how i love my luck these days...or should i say years.

Mother-dearest went back to calgary to visit/reunite with her gfs from highschool. Lemme just say....i dont think i like her old gfs! Think nammer moms. (screaming internally) Yes, scary i know. As i was sitting there with a bunch of giggling school girls...i started to think about me n my girls now.....IS THIS OUR FUTURE? oh my lordy. But i highly doubt we'd be that...interesting. One of my mom's gfs....heck they call her "barbie" cuz shes....always dressed up? Its like Chanel accessories had puked on her....the make up gun was shot to her face....n no object of clothing is too funky for her. Pretty picture huh? N i'm just sitting there thinking..."hmmm wat else isnt real on her?" The second gf...she was more of a plain jane....made her plainer next to "barbie" of course. But i'm guessing she was never really the pretty one in the group...who knows. Anyways....these three girlies...mom included..decided to hang out like all the time. N here barbie n plain jane were talking about goin to the bar...drinking...strip bars...clubbing ( yea don't even ask) etc. All these places n all these things to do to corrupt my mom...whos....a  NORMAL mom? So here my mom asks me to come along....*gasp* apparently the two gfs did not like that idea...because they thought i was TOO young to go to these places.  Ummm *taptap* hello....i'm 23! not 13! I think i know wat drinking is....n i'm pretty damn sure i know wat the naked male looks like too. For goodness sakes! They even dragged my mom to the club! Think if if as....Calgary's Atl. Yea. Exactly. Hell even i didnt go clubbin while i was in calgary! Sheesh.  Anyways....my mom felt uncomfortable...evne more so when guys MY AGE were hitting on her...and yea...i'm sooo thankful my mom is normal...n isnt gonna be found at some rave anytime soon! SCORE! The great thing was...i got to spend lots of quality time with mother-dearest!

So while my mom was out being corrupted by the nammer moms...i was left kicking it with one of the nammer mom's offspring. Which oddly turned out to be a normal 13 year old...or 16?? err i dunno! hhahaha anyways she was my shopping buddy in calgary...obviously she couldnt drive so her daddykins drove us around. He reminds me alot like the dad from Meet the Fockers....he's the Focker of course! I'm not too sure why. it's probally the way he was dressed...n the tan....n maybe the petiteness. who knows. But yea...he drove us around.  However...he took us to one place that i NEVER ever wanna be at EVER again. (long story) Without even asking me if i wanted to go to that house. Lets just say...i will never ever get in car with him ever again. Like c'mon wat am i 6 and incapable of making decisions for myself? If i wanted to go there i would! but FUCK no! Thanks to him...he actually ruined my whole trip to calgary. N obviously i couldnt yell at my shopping buddy for her dad's choices....cuz she was there next to me the entire time seeing if i was ok. OBVIOUSLY i wasnt....if i were a cartoon....you'd see steam coming out of my head! big time! I felt like screaming at the man...but fucking hell...my mother raised me up with soo many damn manners and morals...i had to be polite the whole damn time. But internally  i was boiling! Well after that night...lets just say i went out and found a friend at the bottom of a liquor bottle. How pleasent.

Besides shopping...i also went to the Terrell museam in draumheller....heck i know i spelt that all wrong..but u get the idea...i hate editing things! hahaha. anywho...yea me and my cousins bf ran around liek a bunch of idiots going Ooohs n Ahhhs everywhere. yea i've been there before...but its been a while...everything looks different after a while. My cousin however...looked bored...as usaual. but hey at least she took me rite!

So yea...thats my trip to calgary. Fun huh? Remind me next time when i go on a last min trip with mom....its no where near calgary! soo many stupid ass ppl there who i must need to remind that i'm OLD ENOUGH to make my own decisions and to do whatever i want. N if i wanna go drink with ppl my age...i willl.....cuz they're the one that thinks they're 23 when they're like 40! sheesh man! Denial! I'm just glad to be home......sorta.

errrr i forgot my brain again at home....

yea i think i'm in fitness mode or something...i just have this wierd sensation to....work out. yea i dunno wats wrong with me. i just feel soo wired and i need to get that out. sat morning, my coworker decides to call me early morn to see if i wanted to the grouse grind with her. barely even awake i think i must've thought i was dreaming but i sed yes. as i'm on the skytrain a wee bit later...i realized just where i just agreed to go. this wasnt a lunch thing...this wasnt a shopping thing...but i actually AGREED to head up a mountain on my free will. oh crap wat did i just do. so i met up with my coworker n head up to the grouse grind. n i run into a bunch of ppl who were really prepared...like a back-pack full of waters n snacks...n here i am holding my dinky water bottle. uh oh........i think i forgot how horrendous this mountain is. oh well too late now...i'll just die up there no big deal rite. so just to say most ppl have been up there...u know how painful it is to go up there sometimes...or how it would be the first few times going up. so yea...i made it up there...somehow.....n before i can breathe a sigh or relief.......i rmred how was getting down.........aww for crying out loud...the gondola. damn. yes i'm afraid of heights.......so i didnt breathe very well until i was on actual ground....waiting for my fingers to come back to life because i was gripping on the handle soo hard. but other than that...i actually did it. second time....in two years.....k time to go more often now...who wants to go? its really not THAT bad.........i say that now...but u know when i'm actually doing it i'm complaining! haha

OMG...besides thinking the grouse grind is not THAT bad....i actually felt skinny for the first time in my life. I even felt that i should gain a few pounds. why? weeeellll...i went to sonar on sat nite....yea see i dunno why i did that too...i still had noodle legs from earlier in the day...but yea...went to sonar n seriously the room was full of well fed girls. i loved it. i never seen soo many girls that were well fed...like seemed to love how they  looked n were having soo much fun. it was really refreshing to see that. N not to mention they were getting hit on left n rite...even better! n to be perfectly honest...them being bigger..it did not look bad on them. they really carried it well. n yea...it really does help when your comfortable in your own skin, it really shows. N no i'm not saying all of them were like really big but most of them were like full figuired woman. they had ass...they had tits n curves u just cant beat. they really did look good.

k besides everything......

For my brother: Helen Lefeaux grad fashion show...july 5 2007 ( thurs) $35 for tickets. Lemme know if u wanna come!! it should be fun! i cant even believe he's almost done skool now. time flies! thankfully after he's done skool i wont have to be his mannequin anymore..whoohoo no more pins! oh yea u betcha i'm buying him one after.

call it...temporary insanity

normally on a friday ppl have their minds set to the "end" of the week. ahead of them, after work, is just a time to relax or a time to play. for me? this fri i went crazy. must've been because i didnt have a day off since last wed. but i dunno what came over me but i agreed to take part on the "longest day run" at ubc. funny enough...that probally was the longest day for me. work was hectic...n i'm completely drained. before work was even over i'm already thinking of all the great things i wanted to eat. oh wait...the run...crap. so my coworkers n i take part in this 5k run. thankfully this one is not uphill....but hell because its after a long day at work...it was even more brutal than the one uphill. silly us girls, when the gun shot...we started off in a pretty decent jog...but ehhh everyone else must've been nuts or didnt have work or something but ppl were literally RUNNING...like push u to the side n pumping those legs n arms as if they thought they were the road runner. forget that...me n my coworker seriously jogged our tired behinds all the way to the finish line. then came the prizes...wats this about first, second, third place prizes??? OH shit...it was a race? ahhhhhhhhhhh that makes sense why ppl were actually RUNNING. oops. n here we were thinking...its a run for charity...doesnt matter..doot doot doot. hey at least i did it rite?

you would think that i would learn from friday's experience....but nope. i went even crazier and actually agreed to go clubbing for once. "summer jam" at richards n richards. why did i agree? i dunno must've been something in my gaterade i drank from fri...has to be! soooo i went to richards.....n just as i thought....i ran into about i dunno....5 ppl i did NOT wanna see. damn it where were the rest of my girls wen i need them? had to stay calm...had to....i dunno ....not hit them? so besides seeing a lot of dumb ppl....i was stuck in a place with not so good music. great. i must be stupid because i KNEW this was gonna happen n yet i still went? yea thats it...i'm never drinking gaterade agen!

well thats one weekend down......lets hope i find my sanity by the next one huh.

no more fun and games

time to hang up the mini skirts, the short shorts and put away those beloved, yet painful, pumps. ( hey doesnt mean stop buying them!) trade it all in for sweats that are way too big. lets get all domestic n homebound. i have no idea wen it happened or how it happened, but a lot of ppl i know have been cutting out the clubs for some quiet time at home. wierd? yea i'd say so. Now if we ever go out n drink...instead of inhaling them...we sit..sip n enjoy. N lets not mention, we cant even hold our alky like before. yea...watever happened to our 10 shots no problem??? i guess we all grew out of it. Once in a while its ok....every weekend...not gonna happen. I suppose, all that money saved from not going out all the time is going towards other things now...like rent...car payments and food. i know i've changed a lot from years before. dont get me wrong i still buy tons of pumps...but they dont get much use at all. can u imagine..standing in pumps for 8 hours? naaaaaaaw its ok...hand me my flats! i cant hold my alky liek before thats for sure....n to be perfectly honest...i dunno if i can handle lil skanky girls anymore. i think i'd go insane. esp after work wen all u wanna do is relax...having to deal with obnoxious lil girls with way too much makeup with lil boys who have more money than you is just frustrating.so if i had a choice...i'd totally choose a quiet night at home with a good movie. yes i'm like an old lady now.

many things have changed as well wen it comes to hooking up with someone. now..its the no bs or ure gone deal. i dunno how anyone could still be playing games still. i'm sorry, we just dont have time to deal with that shit. straight up tell me wat u want and need and we can go from there. no more "maybes" no more "sortas" its yes i'm interested..or no i'm not interested. N i think wen it comes to getting to know each other...friggin its getting to know each other. i mean who would you choose? someone who's actually wants to get to know you or someone who barely skims the summary? k its no longer dating now....its the "are u husband/wife material".do u detect some annoyance? yea i'm a lil annoyed....i'm just tired of ppl assuming they know me when they dont. n its not like i'm in the dating scene either. its just in general with the boys i know and how they go abouts trying to find the "rite girl"  its just all messed up. but hey if the guy n girl just wanna have fun...go rite ahead by all means...but if its a relationship....naw...leave the games for the bedroom.

k well...i'm sick..congested...n high on meds......i'll bitch later wen i make some sense........