ahh..my first xanga entry since... God knows when.... i think i'll start posting on xanga a lot more since its hard for people to find and anybody rarely fully reads any entries. i think it'll be a good place for me to organize random thoughts that i'm too lazy to write in my journal.

one thing thats been on my mind lately is the concept of black and white. this concept of transient distinctions between sinning and doing good is in my mind perhaps the root of my inability to see eye to eye with other christians. there are obviously new situations continually manifest in our lives to which we are exposed that the Bible does not clearly define as black or white. this past year for me has been filled with many struggles and many changes. in a single year's time i have encompassed the entire spectrum of what many call the spiritual rollercoaster. from bible study teacher to the typical college student or music&nature loving hippie, i've experienced and found it challenging to balance such differing lifestyles. but through all this i feel so much more grounded in my beliefs. i may not be doing very well spiritually, but my beliefs are so solid that i cannot ever see them being swayed. i know, spiritually and intellectually, of what or why i believe in who or what. and i suppose rigidity is good, however, as a direct result of my solidified belief i find myself emotionless...apathetic. my question then is how do you eradicate such ambivalence?

from being a bible study teacher, i found myself consumed with an unnecessary and vehement determination in the acquisition of biblical knowledge in order to justify and feel confident in leading a small group. from this, i found only an esoteric arrogance that ultimately led to the most bitter and insensitive period of my life. thus ensued an enduring and utterly frustrating period of time where i tolerated no one for their incompetence, including my own. i yearned to have all the answers because in my mind, most christians, including myself, knew nothing, or atleast not nearly enough than we should if we do so clearly love God and His word. not only this, but it became a natural interest of mine to learn more from the ongoing debates i have at home with my close friends, both raised essentially nonchristian. i found comfort in books on apologetics, c.s. lewis, scripture, etc. knowing that i was reinforcing my faith through deep rooted and thorough mental effort. i was tired of the peripheral christian and yearned for a general population of objective christians; people who have consciously accepted Christ as a result of a fully pervasive and thorough ascertainment and iteration of Biblical ideology. however, learning more basically led to me being more confused. a lot of people tell me that upon graduating from seminary, you will most definitely have more questions than answers. only the deeply rooted can still bridge the gap of uncertainty after years of satiating the intellectual side of christianity. this all being said, my bitterness led me to stumble and fall and unquestionably struggle with the practice of my faith therein. as a direct reaction, i from then on, led a life in a spiritual "slump". full of apathy and not caring. i wouldnt pray much, but when i did, it would be for clarity. and ofcourse God puts forth the perfect answers at the most perfect times. at this particular time i was still serving as "small group coordinator" (person who writes bible studies for the small group leaders to use) as well as leading a bible study and serving in praise band. you can imagine all the meetings, the repitition, the routine of it all. maybe i was just burnt out. maybe i just needed to figure some things out to break through that next barrier of my own spiritual understanding. whatever it was, God spoke through a particular pastor who prophetically prayed over me and talked with me. the details of everything we talked about would be too long and personal, haha, but essentially what i learned from it was my weaknesses as a spiritual person, as well as my strengths as a spiritual servant. nonetheless, i also learned a harrowing lesson in humility. i felt at that moment that i was essentially worth nothing in this world. whatever i accomplish, someone else will do it better, greater, bigger. whomever i try to gain acceptance from, others will try to push me away. i have learned much about the successes and failures among interpersonal relationships, especially through the church. sadly, most failures in this area comes from the church, specifically from older spiritual life mentor figures that have a seemingly perpetual tendency to reject me or cause inexplicable trauma in my life. i feel like i'm just rambling now...all about the same stuff..same story that i've told so many people in feeble attempts to try to make them understand me. so what does all this lead to? all this humility, distrust in church figures, esoteric biblical 'knowledge', living a slump life. all this led me to the one conclusion that was pointed out to me in romans 7. romans 7 is kinda confusing but essentially it questions who we are..primordially and existentially. it questions the good and bad of human nature; purity vs. sin. what i got from this is that we are existentially and intrinsically good. we were created to do good, to be good and to bring others to good. all good things come from God. i know however tainted i am, however unrighteously i act, i act that way becausee of sin, because of the irrevocable actions that are inherently ingrained into this world, this spiritual warzone. but as c.s. lewis once said, we are not of this world. out of this entire earth, of the miniscule possibilities or impossibilities of life being created by chance, there is with unquestionable certainty an intelligent designer whom i've come to call God. and of this universe He created, there's one creation that resembles Him who is not of this universe. from this i know that humans are not inextricably fallible. i know the bad in me comes from somewhere besides myself and i know that i believe in God, that i love God. still the greatest and most heart wrenching story is of His sacrifice. but therein lies the discrepancy in my faith. if i know all these things why is it that i simply do not lead a life fulfilling of the scripture? is it that i dont truly love God? in my personal faith i know i am fine. i know i am more than fine. i know that my faith is so deeply prevalent in my sheer being that it cannot be seperated from me. but this is just personal. the shortcoming herein is the entire fellowship part of christianity, of sharing with brothers and sisters, of being unified as one body. rogue. personally..at this point i dont care. my apathy has stemmed, strangely, from confidence in my own faith. who cares what anyone else thinks? i personally know i am fine and in no position to judge others, for no one can understand fully understand someone's situation other than their own. there's a certain conflict that i think resides in all of us that defines our moral construct. one side of the conflict is the earthly side and the other is the biblical, spiritual, God side. sometimes these moral standards overlap, sometimes they dont. sometimes they're grey, sometimes they're just not outright mentioned. in any case, i believe its all personal. how you come to define black and white is not merely by skewing meanings of scripture, nor is it conforming to the world. as christianity is in essence a relationship, not a religion, then so should your perspective on your relationship with God be the most thorough. unity is built upon tolerance, not congruity. so basically..i dont know what i'm trying to say...HAHA. maybe its that i have somehow, found assurance in God, through God, of these boundaries of black and white. but still something is missing....hahaha...that fellowship stuff..yeah...thats for another day. adios!

eprops are always appreciated as are comments that can maybe make sense of any of all this jibberish. haha

-david