EverlastingHope's Xanga

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 03:15:52 GMT

you know it makes me so mad/sad...

i hate it when people downgrade me.

just shut up and live your own life.

i know what i am capable of doing. don't tell me what i can't do or i'm unable to do. shut up.

i think a huge contribution to my depression is my family-my relatives.
they think they know me. they don't know me.
i shouldn't care what they think...but i can't help it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:08:12 GMT

I've been having suicidal thoughts again.
it wasn't only thoughts...i was planning on how to commit suicide.
then i figured my pans were unattainable. where can i get a gun?

two days ago i couldn't stop crying. i tried to do my homework but time and again my heart would beat really fast then this rush of sadness filled my heart, then i'd cry...and i couldn't stop for a while.

i tried cutting myself, but my knife was blunt so it didn't do much harm to my skin. i couldn't find my other knives in my room, and i didn't want to use a kitchen knife...so it ended there.

before i thought cutting was crazy. i get it now. i get it. it feels good. i can't explain it, but it feels good. i wasn't able to cut to the point where blood came running out of my skin, but i did penetrate some layers of my skin.

what's wrong with me?

it's just thoes things that bother me...they won't go away. problems that are unsolved haunt me and now my parents are being more protective than ever.

i'll be okay...

i'll be okay...

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 17:54:56 GMT

right now screamo and metal is music to my ears.

fuckin shit.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 22:46:26 GMT

you know, it's kind of hard to consider you as a good friend when you lie to my face.

I don't care what you do, it's your life. I don't judge who you are as a person just because you do something stupid. Everyone does stupid things, they may be different actions, but none the less, stupid.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 17:32:49 GMT

I still feel like a bum.

I go to school, I have a job (even though my hours fluctuate), and I exercise.
what's missing?

i don't know. i'm not busy enough. i really don't like having a lot of time to "rest" or "chill" cause i feel like i'm wasting time.
uh. i feel i'm going nowhere!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:34:38 GMT

michael, you need to give me more hours. gurr
can't you see i'm a poor college student?!

i'm searching for another job...but i'll still be with michael

so wow i'm taking two summer school classes, and they...will be stressful
this is good though. i need this.
i haven't really been challenged to work hard this whole year. i kinda just glided these past two semesters.
my teachers are hard, and my reading teacher...ow. just reading her syllabus scares me. it's alright. i enjoy challenges. they motivate me to work harder. yay for strict teachers!...?

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:53:39 GMT

so my trip to the east coast was very enjoyable.
my relatives and my parents' friends were very very kind to us and helped us out a lot.

we went to Tennessee, Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, and Washington DC.

my only complaint is that my parents don't know how to take a vacation...
a few times it seemed like our time was rushed instead of soaking up the relaxation and stress free feeling you're supposed to have when on vacation.

well my shopping experience was lame because my parents totally left that off of our things to do.
i only had 2 hours to shop on our last day there. ridiculous.

I LOVE SAN DIEGO.
we have awesome weather

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thu, 29 May 2008 12:39:02 GMT

having only one car holds me down so much. really, i can't do anything because my stupid brother gets it most of the time.

i've decided i'm going to not rush this transfer deal.
i decided i will transfer in the fall instead of spring of next year.
i mean i could still transfer earlier, but i think half work and half school is best in the long run.
really, i'm out of money right now and it's ridiculous.
i'll try to find another job because michael's and my 4-5 hour shifts won't cut it, especially with rising gas prices.

bah.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Wed, 28 May 2008 15:25:15 GMT

there's this voice in the back of my mind that tells me not to do it...

and i want to say it out loud...

but i still do it and don't say anything.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sat, 24 May 2008 15:20:51 GMT

you're stupid sharlene.