So, I pretty much afraid I'm starting to hate my husband.. Seriously HATE.
I've lost every ounce of respect that I had for him.
I finally get my college money approved, and get to sign up for classes and I have to give all of that up. I have to drop it to go work full time.. I'm not complaining about working. Not one bit. But it's the fact that before we were married, and even for awhile once we were married- he promised me I could stay home with the kids and go back to school as long as I did the housework and worked from home. Which I've done. I babysit and make good money doing it.
However, a babysitting job alone doesn't pay all the bills.
My husband has been without a job for 6 months. 6 MONTHS. He hasn't looked for a job, he hasn't even filled out one application. He was fired from his last job because he was late by 30 minutes to an hour on a DAILY basis- he also fell asleep multiple times while at work. His boss gave him more than enough chances, and even thought it over for a few days, putting Jon on probation.. But, even while on probation Jon continued to keep "working" the way he always had which led his boss to making a final decision to fire him.
I've begged and begged Jon to work. I've worked odd jobs, sold my stuff to make ends-meet.. but I'm out of options at this point. I can't keep waiting on him. I have to go out and be the bread winner for my family. My husband is too lazy, and doesn't care enough about his family to do it.
The worst part of all this is the fact that even though he'll be home ALL DAY with nothing to do.. I still have to put our kids in daycare (which is MORE MONEY that I don't have out of my pocket), and make sure I get all the housework and cooking done. He refuses to do any of it! I honestly have no idea what I'm expected to do in this situation. The world says divorce.. But I don't see that as an option.. But do I have to sit by, keep my mouth shut and just take this crap? Do I have to give up all my hopes and dreams so he can live a life of being lazy?
My husband is someone who is suppose to work with me to make our and our kids life's better.. But all he's managed to do is work against me in everything I've wanted to do. But I guess it's my fault for letting it go on for the last 2 years. I should have stopped it when I seen it going sour a year and a half ago.
Even right now, he's sitting on his computer (like always) watching video game clips with his brother. This is what he does everyday.. watches game clips, eats, finally falls asleep, eats again, and plays on his computer. He ignores his kids.. and he ignores me.
Seriously. I feel like my husband isn't my husband but my enemy. It's frustrating.
Jon.. If there is one freaking thing you could do for me.. it's being a damn man for ONCE in your life.. Keep your promises. Quit being lazy. Take care of your family.. Quit laying every burden of this family on me. Take half of it, and work with me to fix it.
I love you.. But I CANNOT keep this up. I can't keep letting you just lay around all the time, doing nothing. I wouldn't be a good wife or mother if I let that go on.
Listen to what I'm saying.. Be the loving and God-fearing man you once were.
Please.
You asked me what's wrong..
I've lost every dream.
Am I not suppose to be a little upset? How should I feel when everything I'VE worked hard for is just in my reach.. and then RIPPED violently away from me? How am I suppose to feel when my faith is being broken down..? When the only man I love doesn't give a damn enough about me to just fucking hold me for a minute.. to let me fucking cry and be upset about loosing the things I wanted most out of life.
Thanks for fucking it up. :)

Entry 22: January 23, 2005.
*The kind of love-I want.
I want the kind of love where there's intelligent conversations, but where we can still talk about nothing or stupid things just for fun.
Hugs, warm one, especially on cold days.
Laughter, everyday.. Hard, happy laughter.
Soft, passionate kisses, the kind that bring you to your knees, and leave you breathless.
Trust between us both.. Forever.
Tender touch, that warms the skin and takes every word from our lips.
Romance that leaves a tear in your eye, and a longing in your heart.
Passion between us both. A hungry one, that amazes us both every time.
Understanding, that we're individual, but in our hearts, one.
Unspoken words, that form in our hearts, and will guide us to each other no matter where our thoughts lay.
Faith in everything, everyone, our love, and our God.
Mostly I want a love that can't be described in words.
I want a beautiful escape from reality.


I wanted the above.. I realize now.. I don't have it.
I did, once.. and I long for it now.
*************************
Where have you gone my lover?
What must I do to pull you back to me?
Dear lover, my only love... How did I ever lose you?
How did I let you escape me...?
Lover.. I only long for you.. For what we had.
Lover.. Come back to me.
Love me like you once did and I promise never to forsake you again.
Make me blind to the perils of the world.
Make me long not for worldly things,
but the pleasures of a higher love.
Show me the passions of life and love.
Show me the promises of truth.
Come back to me.
Love me like before..
I will never forsake you.

So, the kids birthdays just passed. Emmalynn is now 1, Alex is 4 (FOUR, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!). They both had pretty good birthday parties. Emma's party was all pink.. No theme, just pink. Alex had a pirate party.. Which was too awesome for words. No one really showed up, which sucked.. but.. what can you do? Ya know?
Life goes.. Not particularly happy with it at this point but it'll get better. Jon still doesn't have a job. We're going on month 3 with that whole ordeal. Shocking, right? Yeah, that was sarcasm... We're (actually I AM) making it work though. I'm heartbroken, and completely distraught inside.. But I'm holding it together. I love the guy more than anything in the world.. more than any words could express (as cheesy as that sounds, it's so true).. and he's broken me down completely. I feel like my inside is dark. Like my heart is laying in the bottom of a deep, dark well. I can't walk away from him if I wanted to. But it's finally at the point where I may not have a choice.. You know, everyone says love hurts but they're usually talking about an awful break-up or something. I'm married. I'm with the only man I ever want to be with.. and it hurts. Don't believe what they say guys. I'd take a break-up over this crap. Staying with, supporting, and loving someone whole heartedly- who rips at your soul everyday.. That's worse than any break-up I've ever had! I want to say I'm speaking with words of wisdom.. but actually I'm speaking from hurt, and anguish. Damn, am I starting to sound emo? Eww.. I don't want to sound emo.
Anyway.. RAINBOWS, SUNSHINE, HEARTS, AND LOVE (is that not-emo enough to redeem myself?).

                                 -Danni

I like cake.

I feel like turning and running. If I didn't have a family or vows that I am totally committed to, I'd run. I'm not scared or anything. Just defeated. Completely defeated. I have not even ONE damn person in this world that I can trust... And the one person I could completely trust I walked away from.
I regret it now.
I feel like a slave. I'm stuck in a situation I can not fix. I've tried. I have to do what I have to do, and hope to God that everything will turn out good.
I want to run.. I want to take off wildly, screaming into something unknown. I want to give my kids something exciting, something wonderful.. and I can't do that here. I keep thinking about my commitment. My promises.. they make me want to scream.
I'm at my breaking point. I can FEEL it.
I just need a way out.. a safe way out.. I need support.
I need one damn person to tell me it's going to be okay. I need someone to tell me I'm making the right choices..
I need that pat on the back.. ANYTHING to give me something to hold on to..
I know what I want to do, but I know it isn't what I should do.