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Evilkiki87
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Name: Akiko
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 1/18/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: dance, theatre, music, indi film watchin, napping, Penguins!
Expertise: Living life & enjoying every moment I can...
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/20/2003
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| Chocolate CakeCurrent mood: Existential and oddly self assured
Okay.
So there was this chocolate cake sitting right in front me. And I had
already eaten enough food to not to need this chocolate cake.
I didn't do anything especially good to earn a piece of cake. Nor was I even in the particular mood for chocolate cake.
Maybe what I really wanted was a muffin or ice cream. I didn't feel the need to indulge in this chocolate cake.
But I did.
Simply for the fact that it was there and I could.
I mean, chocolate cake is good no matter who you are or what mood you're in, right?
And it's not like I ate the whole cake. Just a piece.
And after I finished indulging my not so significant appetite, I kept waiting for my "eater's remorse."
I could have ignored it, saved it for another time, or told myself no. But I didn't.
Simply for the fact that it was there and I could.
And
you know what? I don't feel any remorse. I didn't feel any sense of
massive gratification, either. But what did I expect? I didn't really
crave it that much to begin with.
I have yet to suffer any immediate repercussions for my gluttonous actions. And to be honest, I don't think I will.
So, the moral of my story is: If there's chocolate cake and it doesn't belong to anyone else. Eat it.
Simply for the fact that it's there and you can. | | |
| - I'm GoneAll of my friends suck.Alright. So this has been bugging me for weeks. And I couldn't figure out exactly what it was until recently.
As far as the people I surround myself with on a daily basis, I am pretty much the only single friend I have.
Every one of my closest friends who I depend on to be there for me on a day to day basis are now coupled. Yeah, EVERY ONE. And I've never been happier for them. Hey, they're happy and I absolutely adore all of their girlfriends/boyfriends. I love hanging out with my coupled friends. I really don't mind couples. I am the best with couples.
It's just... When I have a shitty week and finally have time to relax and hang out with my friends and all I get is "Oh, I'm out to dinner with so-and-so, I'll give you a call when we figure out what we want to do later." (ie. don't call) "Oh,I need to spend time with so-and-so before I leave town for a bit." "Oh, I'm driving out to go see so-and-so, I'll be back Monday." (ie Not tell your best friend until the last minute that you're going out of town and will be unreliable for any emergency situation for over a week!)
My friends aren't in any way being unfair by choosing to spend time alone with their significant others rather than with their friends. But it's when it's ALL OF MY FRIENDS, EVERY DAY, ALL WEEK/WEEKEND that I feel a teensy bit neglected.
As the only single person in my lovely group of friends, I have been dropped to the bottom of the priority list.
And it's not fair. When do single people get special consideration? There's no "Congrats, you didn't date a loser!" award. There's no, "Hey. I haven't spent much time with my good friend this past week I should give her a call." No. When you're in a relationship all that really matters is keeping this cloud 9 going. Fuck your friends who may want to hang out with you before you go back to school at the end of the summer. No, they've only been there for you and had your back for years. Who gives a shit if they have nothing to do tonight and want to chill after a long effing week. You're too busy canoodling and being cute.
And it's not as simple as, "Hey, let's get her a boyfriend! That'll give her something ta do!" Yeah, one problem. I DON'T WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. I want my friends back.
I love being single. I love being independent and not having to worrying about what some guy thinks about me. I just wish my friends would consider spending a smiget more time with me. I would appreciate that. At least one. Just give me one friend. Then I'll shut up.
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| So, now what?I've been thinking a lot. It's been over 4 and a half months since Andy and I broke up. Almost as long as we dated. So I'm not sure what it is. But I'm not sure if I want to get into anything just yet. I still feel...
It's not Andy. I know and feel that he's not the guy I want to be with. So it's not that.
But then, what is it? Why do I get this tight anxious feeling in my stomach whenever I think someone might be even slightyt interested in me? I feel like I can't breath properly and that I'm going to throw up in about another hour or so of feeling this way.
I've told myself time and again, ever since Andy and I broke up, that his committment issues rubbed off on me. That's I've become a committment-phobe. And that's why we were able to hang out and be close for a bit after breaking up and not want or expect anything more.
I was hoping it would pass. That eventually I'd want to get back into a relatioship and start dating again.
But it's been over 4 and a half months and I still have this feeling.
Fear.
Is that what it is?
That deep down inside I'm just afraid of being hurt or disappointed again? Isn't that the reason for every dysfunctional person who can't seem to get a relationship right?
I don't want to be one of those people. Who assume that things just don't work out. That, at this age, it's relationship suicide to get involved.
But do I actually feel that way? Is this how I am?
I don't know what I want anymore. Do I want to be in a relationship? Should I embrace this new frightened me and do what guys have done to me? Run away from it once it gets too close? Too serious?
I don't think I could do that. I couldn't do to another person what Josh or Andy may or may not have done to me.
I don't want my past disappointments to affect my present and possible future.
I've never been able to refuse a good temptation. Like falling for a sweet boy who just seems to be everything I need or want in the object of my affections.
But do I have that? Is the right guy standing right in front of me?
I always try to look before I leap. But as far as looking for the right guy, I guess I'm far sighted. From far away everything looks amazing, but once I get a closer look...I can't see the flaws that are right in front of me. All I see is this beautiful fuzzy picture.
I guess when it comes down to it. It's not the guys I don't trust. It's me.
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| It's been quite a while since I've updated my Xanga. With all the MySpace craze I've almost forgotten that I still had this site.
I would usually put an entry into my blog, but it's too public. I like my Xanga, it's a bit less contrived.
Things have been consistent for me. Schools almost out. But I signed up for summer school so my summer will be short lived. And I work. I don't know how many hours I want to work this summer, but I'll figure it out.
Trying to be friends with certain exes have been more difficult than I had hoped. I thought we were friends, I thought were ok. But he became paranoid and "needs his space." His space? From what? The two cities we have between us? The occasional MySpace comments I leave him? The once in a blue moon IM??
I don't get it. He's treating me like I'm some sort of crazy overwhelming exgirlfriend! I don't care if he's not my boyfriend anymore! He could date someone else for all I care! I just want his friendship and for him to not flip out whenever I tell him I miss hangin out with him and suggest that we should sometime. Jesus...
He thinks I'm putting this huge pressure on him to spend time with me, when in reality- I'm not! I don't care! Just as long as I know we're still chill, I could never see him! No need to kick me off the top 8. Stupid, I know. But it does mean something when I'm not only kicked off, but I'm replaces with a music page.
Whatever. He just needs to chill the fuck out and stop overwhelming himself about me. Jesus... | | |
| "I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head." - Red, The Shawshank Redemption
I'm counting down the days till Josh and Chris finally come home for Thanksgiving. It wasn't till recently when I realized how much I've missed my friends.
"I feel like I'm coming home for the first time since you guys have left."
And I meant what I said in that quote. Chris and Josh coming home is like coming home for me too. I can't wait to sit next to Chris as he plays the piano in his piano room. And I can't wait to listen to Josh banging on his piano while I play with Mica. I can't wait. I just- I don't even have the words to express just how I feel. The feeling of going home for the first time since they left for school... They have been such a part of my life for the past 2~3 years... Man. Only a few more days and they'll be back! And we're gonna have our RENT Day! The movie is going to be so awesome! I know I'm going to cry and watch it over and over
I feel so lucky. And not just Chris and Josh coming home but... Well- I'll leave his name out. Cuz if you're my friend then you already know what his name is...
It's been...insane- in the best conceivable way. I'm just so... happy. Just taking things as they come, day by day with him. And there's never any pressure or doubt. We're just happy to be together and around one another. I enjoy his company and what he brings to my day. I've already fallen in love with his family and I've only met his dad! But any family that could have raised and helped him become who he is today must be just wonderful. Every day we're together I learn or notice something new about him and how I am when I'm around him. And it's always wonderful. And that's what he is. Wonderful. In the purest, most inspired sense of the word.
I love that there's never a poor conversation between us. How we never misunderstand what the other says or means. How we can have the most passionate debate and still laugh through it all. And we kiss. All the time. And I can't imagine ever growing weary of kissing him or being kissed by him.
"Your kiss is like a familiar drug and I just can't get enough."
And he makes me smile, and not just smile, but giggle. A lot! I've never giggled so much in my whole life.
"Anything can make you laugh, a funny movie can make you laugh. But giggle? That's personal. That's intimate."
He makes me giggle. And I love how that feels. And I trust him. And I love how that feels. I'm never doubtful or worried or insecure. I know where we are, where I stand, where he stands, and how we're doing. Neither of us know for sure where we're going, but we're loving every moment of the journey...
"Dreams"
Cranberries
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems
I know I felt like this before
But now I’m feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to be
I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They’ll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do
Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
You're what I couldn’t find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to me
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems
’Cause you’re a dream to me
Dream to me | | |
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