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| its been soo long since my last post... but honestly, it probably wasnt long enough... ...
I try to stay away from this because there are people that i know that read this, and i feel a little bad that i may at times give them insight to what i feel and how i think or what i see, but i cant bring myself to talk to some of them in person. I try my best to be there for people when theyre down, when they need help, or when they want advice... but I dont want to rely on anyone to do the same foe me... I try to seem like Im all there, like everything i do is somewhat planned or expected. I dont want people to know how wrecked i feel sometimes, i dont want people to know how alone i am, how totally isolated i really am. I have had so many people come to me for help, that if they knew all this, i feel that theyd totally disregard anything i may have done to help them, even if it was valid or helpful, because of where i am or may be.
My mom the other day, asked me if i was lonely... and i laughed and told her i wasnt. I was being honest... im not lonely, but i would like to be able share my experiences with someone... but everytime i find someone that i feel i can share with, something always comes up and seems to seperate me from her. Ive known this lady for over a year, and shes one of the few people i can actually talk to, and seriously, i actually talk with her... but just as i think i can ask her out, she hooks up with someone. Generally, i can get by, shes a friend that i dont want to lose.
But im always thinking about herand there are times (like tonite) that all i want to do is call her and tell her how i feel about her. The fact that its my birthday now and im a year older with almost nothing to show for it doesnt help my mood. Its like a Savage Garden song, as i told a friend a while back... i want her, i dont know if i need her, but id die to find out... she is amazing...
Enough... this thing has been like the shoulder that i deny myself, even now i want to delete everything to keep this away from those that might read it, but there are times where i read it myself to help get through certain times, certain feelings... and i dont expect anything to happen from this. Ive tried changing who i am and how i act to try and change something, anything... but it wont happen, because for the most part, im content, and that is usually enough for me. argh...
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| argh!!! this really sucks sometimes.... | | |
| hmmm... i didnt get a straight answer again about my transfer request... this better go thru, im not gonna drive 2 and a half hours to work!
Anyway, my bro went with me today, and instead of drivin home after my meeting in traffic, we went to get something to eat. It took us a while to find a place cuz most were pretty crowded, seein as how it was valentines day. We ended up at Chevy's, and it was crowded with couples... now, isnt valentines day as a couple event supposed to be romantic? who the hell thinks Chevy's is romantic?!? and another thing... all the ladys were all dressed up and lookin good, and the guys were dressed all casual... what the hell is wrong with these people! at least one day a year be a gentleman and take your lady somewhere nice, and dress accordingly! nothing looks stupider than a couple where the lady is dressed and the guys a mess...
As a side note... what is someone tryin to tell you if she asks you to call her and then never answers her phone when you do... she doesnt even call me back. Im confused, lost, and everything else synonomous... | | |
| I got a meeting at work in about 8 hours... probly not gonna go to sleep for another 2 or so. Im gonna be soo awake!
i talk to a manager about my transfer monday. hopefully, that means im out of my store in a few weeks or so... im gonna miss my friends tho, not gonna be able to see them much, if at all...
ive been havin some wierd dreams lately, makes me wish i knew how to interpret them for a sec... but then i dont, cuz then it might give me a reason to check into a crazy house.
well, this has been a random blog... all over the place... ... ... ...
hahaha, my lil bro just came home with Harold and Kumar! im not going to sleep till hella late tonite! W00T!!! | | |
| I hate not bein able to sleep....
my new house is a couple months from bein built, furniture shoppin wit my mom is fun... my new house is gonna be sweet!!
im gonna check it out tomorr... today, now, i guess... and while im there im gonna talk to the managers at the store close by about my transfer.
moving is gonna suck a bit cuz im goin away from everything i know... change can be good, but its scary... the good can come after a lot of bad, or it may not come at all... hmm, rambling... this is what happens when i cant sleep. I start thinking about a bunch of crazy things, like work, life, friends, girls... girl i should say... thats it for tonite, im out! | | |
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