Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

I feared
the fear came true

My carrot is gone
torn away by the roots

Empty days that just won't end
but for the carrot - it's just a new beginning

Do I let go?
Or search - and find?
Or toil, with hope?
Or just let go?

My carrot is gone
It's all I can think of

There's no replacement,
no words, no hugs that
can make it better

success

* huge sigh of relief *

Entering into the door
A sign read ACUTE

Disbelief, fear, trapped
This was for real

People wandering
Some inconvenienced by those in slippers

Wanting to stay in the safe seat
With the ones believed to be safe, away from the nothings

Safe people suddenly became unsafe
Unsoundness, increasingly apparent from the nothings

Reality hit - - it was icy, stern, and unsympathetic
It came from every direction

The white, lifeless walls
The species behind the glass was inhuman

My soul rattled from the cold words,
My fate, and others', in the hands of uniformed ogres

Their regard of the nothings - brought little comfort
The nothings only inconvenienced the schedules and spotless objects

The longer the nothings remained locked within the white, pasty walls
The emptier their souls became - the blanker the stares

No summons came from the outside
Nobody recognized the nothings

Few ventured to see the nothings (except for a guilty few)
They did not exist to the safe outsiders

Nobody saw the nothings' eyes
The fear - of no love -- or of hurtful touch

Nobody saw the harsh, biting coldness of the bleached, painted room
It ripped them to shreds from the inside out

The empty, stark, disaffected rooms permeated and decayed
The nothings, oddly, found safety in the cold chambers

Generous pay given for ambiguous destruction of nothings
Nobody noticed but one -- but she was a mere nothing too

I received a voicemail yesterday saying that my father had a heart attack, and learned that he was in open heart surgery too.

My mind was flooded with numbness, as I tried to block any feelings - but part of me needed to know if I should feel something, or do something. It felt like if I was to feel something - then I might cry and cry - and that it would somehow invalidate the hurt that he's done to me. It also like if I started to feel anything except sadness - like anger - that it would mean that I was a cold person and just as bad as him.

I felt like if I did anything, that it would mean that I was "going towards him" in hopes of something changing. I know I would just end up hurt again - like the thousand times before. I was afraid of what might come out (possibly my anger) if I did go around him or call, and he treated me the same as before too.

But deep down - I still wanted to know - whether he was still alive, at least. I guess so, at least. I feel like I need to keep letting go, but that maybe one day he could change... that maybe one day he will treat me like a daughter. That he might actually say "I love you" - and see it in his eyes that he actually meant it, or hear a sincere tone of voice, or see some action behind the words.

I decided not to call. I decided that the risk of additional hurt wasn't worth it. I've known that I meant nothing to him, so I won't trouble him - and won't have to hear how I have been the awful daughter too.

Last I heard he's doing okay, by the way.

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Legalism: excessive adherence to law or formula. In theology, it refers to dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith.

Moral Law: concerned with or adhering to the code of interpersonal behavior that is considered right or acceptable in a particular society.

Ethical: of or relating to moral principles or the branch of knowledge dealing with these; moral principles that govern a person's or group's behavior.

Irreproachable: beyond criticism; faultless




I'm struggling with a group who lives by the legal life - within the bounds of morality and ethicalness - rather than the personal and the relational. I struggle with the group seeing me as a "risk" that they don't want to take. That they can only live in the land of ethics, and can't put relationship and love first. I struggle with the fact that they don't want to love - that I want to "go towards" those who live in that mindset too. I get angry with myself for not letting go of them because of the safety & unconditional acceptance that I feel from some of the group.



I know this probably make little sense. It's rather confusing for me too actually.

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One of the group is unable to understand why I can't just be grateful with what I have, and what I've accomplished. I guess they think I'm just a whiny, ungrateful, and lazy being...

They don't understand my need for more "resources" in people. My desire to be wanted and needed by them too - in an unconditional way. Not without the desire to do well or better -- but with the understanding that there will be days when I fail -- when I will need a little more than people want to give --- but also with the understanding that I don't expect that they are the only ones who can "catch me" when I do fall.

I just want to be wanted and needed. I want to be there for them as much (and more) as I want them to be there for me.

Dang it... why can't I let it go -- or help them understand so they will want to be a part of my life (as-is - but with the hope of change)???

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Taking a new medicine... it made me really, really tired. And without too many emotions also. Kind of good in some ways, not good in other ways. I know that it's certainly not the "magic bullet" that will fix everything in life. Not that I thought there was one anyhow.

I forgot to mention the other weird question that was posed to me today...

Me: I kind of have a bad habit when I get anxious...
Him: You know... people who do Meth tend to [do that too]
Me: (?!?!?) I have never done Meth. I used to watch my dad do it a lot though.
Him: He did this when he was anxious?
Me: No, I don't think so.
Him: Did he ever do Meth?
Me: No, not that I'm aware of.

Apparently this person hasn't read my official stance on the use of drugs.

That conversation kind of weirded me out... I can't understand why that topic would even come up - and I thought he knew me a little better than that too.

Anyhow.

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Okay.. and then tonight I failed. Twice. But not three times, at least.

I didn't go to my Monday night group I disappoint myself so much sometimes. I am not too sure my mentor was planning or wanting to go either though.

I didn't accept a request to walk with some people I should have walked with (and they are people that I really want to build a relationship with, but that I don't think a relationship will happen with - so I don't want to put myself "out there" for getting hurt either.)

I did go to a friend's house that I promised to go to though... Not the hugest of my life successes, but at least I kept my promise to her. I'm thankful for her being there for me too.

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More childhood stuff.... I guess it's been a few weeks since the last posts. 1) First post.. 2) Second post.

Nana's House:
Memories: dogs (they were named Echi-bon & Ni-bon - Japanese names, by my grandfather who was in world War II and went to Japan), the porch where we played – with artificial grass carpet, and the game with the plastic rings that we threw on it, the moving dishwasher, the popcorn maker, my dad yelling at us to say “Yes Sir!” when we answered him, the grandfather clock, the mini casino slot machine in my uncles room, Simon game, compliments for a drawing of a bike that I drew, spending the night and feeling uncomfortable that I wasn’t allowed to wear my underwear with my nightgown, that grandpa didn’t like Mr. Rogers at all, banana trees and hibiscus bushes outside, dad digging a trench for a sprinkler system, crank windows.

Davie house (2), with the monkey bars (after dad married Judy)
Memories: babysitter bribing us with pixie stix to take our nap, “painting” my mirror with my perfume and getting in a lot of trouble for it, tricking my brother to eat dirt (I told him it was ice cream -- mean, I know), mentioning to Judy what my dad did to me (she said nothing - so I think I may have assumed that there was nothing wrong with it), getting my ears pierced with ice cubes & sewing needles, my brother and me riding our 3-wheelers into a neighbor's van repeatedly & and getting in trouble for it, a woman banging on the car window when I was left in the car while Judy was in the grocery store – she wanted me to let her in, dad telling me that I was fat (age 5), the Buddha in our house, knowing that I was afraid to ask my dad a question – in fear of getting in trouble, getting yelled at for crying about severe growing pains in my legs, getting bit by a pit bull – my dad yelling to calm down – kicking the doctor who tried to give me a shot – and the stay in the hospital (my dad asked me if I wanted to stay with him or my grandma when I got out of the hospital to finish recovering – I chose my grandma – my dad got upset about my choice and then said “no” to my request), going to more than one school for kindergarten, walking to school on my own one day – and being picked up by an off-duty police officer because I took the wrong route on an extremely busy road), dad mad at Judy for smoking, Judy telling me to tell her not to smoke – then telling me to “back off” about it, praying to God that I would see an angel.

transitions aren't easy for me.
fear of failure is even harder.

I know some people who could attest to those two facts very well.

Especially this last week.

Anyhow...

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My son was supposed to have a friend over tonight and tomorrow night... but his friend might not be able to come tonight because he is in band and needs to attend a make-up game due to the rain. But it might rain tonight... so maybe he will end up coming over. We shall see, I guess. I'm dreading telling my son... he's been talking about it nonstop for the past 48 hours.

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In other news... I got a notice in the mail. My ex wants to modify the amount of child support that he pays. He didn't include anything except for the notice however... so I have to write to the Clerk of the Court and ask them what in the world I will have to do with the notice.

I can't wait until my son turns 18... or that my ex would get saved... or he would get over his anger towards me... or perhaps that he would even decide to waive his rights to be a legal father to our child (so he could act as a father on his own free will, not because the court demands it - and I could stop fearing that he will take our son away from me).

Whichever thing happens first... I just want to stop being afraid of him (hopefully before my son is 18!), and stop fearing what angry action he will take next towards me. I really wish that he would see that his actions negatively affect the life of our child as well. I don't know if he cares about that fact. I'm sure he doesn't believe it though.



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Another fear... they hired back the person that used to have my job full-time (from several years ago). He works in a different department, but has a lot of experience in a variety of areas, as well as the capability to still perform my job functions.

I don't operate well when fear comes into the scene sometimes. In some ways it motivates me to do so, so much better. In other ways.. it just makes me feel more insecure - unless I receive some really, really direct and certain feedback that everything is going to be okay - and that I'm doing good too.

I did ask if thought they were going to give him my position - and he said no... but he doesn't really know me - and I suppose they could have said not to tell me anything. Okay.. yes, I kind of am thinking the old addage, "Paranoia will destroy ya'"... but I feel like I "need to" maintain this possibility so I can be prepared JUST IN CASE the worst actually comes to fruition.

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Kind of touching on the job topic... I know I am ready for a change of job. But I'm still afraid to move on to what I might be good at... and I know I don't want to go it alone too.

I don't know why I am needing other people to hold my hand all the time nowadays. Why am I afraid to make any move without lots and lots of assurance and advice from those I esteem. And why do I feel like people need to walk alongside me to ensure that everything will truly be okay too?

And why ISN'T it okay that I want that I would like that to happen just for now, until I can feel a little more secure and confident in my abilities and personal resources? I don't want to be "enabled" to be 100% dependent on others, no dependent on others forever, but I imagine that some people might look at it that way.

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Hooray for Fridays.

Friday we went to my friend's house and saw Waking Ned Divine. Quite the funny movie!

Saturday... we went to Home Depot and bought some supplies to build a doghouse for Shyanne. I was disappointed to find, upon checking out at the register, that the expense was near the cost of what it would be to purchase a fully made doghouse. And I still have to find some roofing material (though I am hoping to find some here at the college for free, through the grounds/maintenance department.) But - in the end, I suppose the memory of building something together with my son will be nicer than a store-bought item. I just hope Shyanne will end up appreciating it as much as we do.

We also went to my friend Chelsea's house again on Saturday night- and we made lasagna, salad, and cherry cobbler. (I often refer to her as the "young mentor of Rachel Ray" to people I introduce her to, because she is such an awesome cook). While we were preparing the meal together - I got the guts to tell her something that had been bothering me for a while. She's my best friend, but I didn't feel "safe" enough to tell her that something that she did had kind of upset me - and thought it was too petty of an issue to tell her too. I worry so much about losing close relationships - since I have so few - and can't always tell people that something has disappointed me, because of the risk of ruining the relationship/friendship. It also feels like the things that I feel/think are somewhat unimportant, especially in comparison to what others feel/think/do. Overall, I know it was truly a petty issue, and it took me over a half hour of "talking around the subject" in order to feel safe telling her what was on my mind - but it felt good to just get it out - and to have her validate the fact that my feelings were okay and that she was still okay with me, in the end, too.

Sunday... we slept in... and missed church. Not good, I know. We ended up going to Walmart to do some grocery shopping and then stayed home to do a few chores. (Have I ever mentioned how much much son loves to dust glass? He's so funny about that. I only asked him to dust the glass tables in the living room and he went around the house looking for extra glass items to clean.)

I visited a Baptist church for the first time on Sunday evening... it was okay - though it was a guest speaker. Is it wrong of me to dislike some churches for the way that they "passionately yell" during there sermons?? I might really get something from the message given - but sometimes the presentation of it just totally makes me want to leave the room.

Also met some of my son's friends at the church - from his band class. One of them was rather outgoing, but seemed nice. He walked with us to our car after church. Here's the gyst of the conversation we had:

Friend (to my son): "This is your car?"
Son: "Yeah"
Me: "You mean you don't like our car? It's actually quite unique... How many other people do you know who only have one hub cap on their vehicle?"
Friend: "Our car has a tv in it."
Me: "Well, we kind of like to ride old school."

And I thought I was long done with having to impress the middle-school and high-school peers. I didn't figure that my son's friends would want to be impressed too...

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In other news... A trumpet has been given to my son (in just the nick of time too). I am truly grateful -- but I feel guilty for it being given to him. I hate swaying between trying to be financially independent of everyone & everything - and feeling so needy at times. I hate the way it makes me feel when people give because I can't meet a need, and feel like I am not doing enough as a mom.

Why can't I just be more grateful about everything in life?