Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow !!!

I miss you, Paul

Three years ago this very night the life of my son, Paul, was violently and senselessly snuffed out.  There are those who would say "it's been three years;  you should be over it by now".  Only those who have never lost a child, or someone extremely close to them, would say that.  There is a hole in my heart that no one else can fill, and my life can never be truly complete without my firstborn son.  In some ways it has gotten easier, yes, but in many ways it gets harder each day.  Each day that passes it has been 24 hours longer since the last time I heard the sound of his voice.  Each holiday is one more holiday that I don't get to see him and hug him and receive one of the big, beautiful cards he always gave me.  I treasure those now.  Little did I know that they would end so soon.  Were it not for my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ, the strength He gives, and the fact that I know that Paul is in Heaven with Him, I might not have made it through the past three years.  The Lord knows how many times I've just wanted to give up ... it would be so much easier.  But He has taught me much through this experience, and we are so much closer, and that makes it all worthwhile.

It has, of course, been difficult to understand why all this had to happen.  And one thing that makes it all so much harder is the fact that Paul did not leave behind the kind of legacy that my friend JC's brother, Michael, did.  Even though Paul accepted Jesus and was baptised at the age of 10, he had not been out witnessing and winning souls for Christ since he was 15.  Something tragic happened that changed his whole life, and as a result, he got in with the wrong crowd and turned to alcohol, and eventually drugs.  He tried desperately to fill a void in his life, and thanks to John Elderidge and his book, Wild at Heart, I understand more clearly now how much he was hurting.  See, Paul never knew his biological father, and he never received the acceptance and approval from any other earthly father that he so desperately needed.  He wrote to his biological father twice, but never received a reply.  That must have been devastating for him.  Satan convinced him that he was worthless and a loser.  It broke my heart when he told me one time "Mom, I'm a loser".  He became an alcoholic for over 10 years, and tried many drugs.  He became a chronic liar, and no one, including me, could trust him.  We never knew if what he was telling us was ever the truth.  During those years he alienated many people.  He spent almost the last two years of his life homeless, living on the streets of Tampa.  It was sad, so very sad.  Then something happened and he found himself stranded in North Carolina, and totally alone, and he turned his life back over to God.  He hitchhiked all the way out to Tucson, Arizona, to find his daughter.  God provided for Him in miraculous ways!  God led him to an awesome Christian organization, The Giving Tree, and they were his family for the last three months of his life.   The rest of the story doesn't really matter now.  I know he's in Heaven and I am very happy for him.  He is truly at peace now, and is free from the power of Satan.  He is truly loved and truly accepted.  He is home!

But, I miss him!  He had a kind heart, and a great sense of humor.  He loved to be silly and make us laugh with his funny antics.  During those last few weeks of his life there was such a change in him.  I truly enjoyed our phone conversations.  He wasn't calling me up drunk anymore!  THAT was FANTASTIC, and a real answer to my prayers!   I know I will see him again someday, but for now, it is so hard.  I want to talk to him, to laugh with him, to hear that familiar "Hi, Mom" when I pick up the phone.  I can still hear his voice in my head and in my heart.  For a time, I was angry with him for living the way he lived and for hurting me the way he did, and for going and getting himself killed.  But that was stupid.  It did help ease the pain for awhile, but I soon realized that I had to forgive him.  After all, God has forgiven me for much more than Paul ever did to me! 

It hurts, too, to know that I am, most understandably, probably the only person who does truly miss him and wish he was still here.  But with the way he lived for so long, and the way he treated people, and constantly let everyone down, I can't blame them.

Anyway, a word of wisdom, if you don't mind.  Don't take those you love for granted.  Never miss an opportunity to spend time with someone you love.  Always tell people how much you love them and how much you appreciate them.  You may never get another chance. 

I don't know if anyone checks my xanga anymore, since I've been "gone" so long, but for those of you that do ...

    I am a Virginian!!!

Wooooooo Hooooooo!!!  I have waited sooo long to be able to say that!  NO MORE stinkin' Florida ... HALLELUJAH !!!

I don't have much time to post now, but we moved here to Roanoke in the heart of the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains back on June 2nd.  God has provided for us in sooo many miraculous ways ... I am so very thankful to be a child of His! 

It is such a relief to live in a more normal part of the country.  The scenery is absolutely gorgeous, and the weather is sooooooo much nicer!  In Florida we ran our air conditioning 24/7 for about 360 days a year.  Here, we have only just started running it 24/7 for about the past two weeks.  Prior to that, we only needed it from around 1pm to 7pm each day.  In the evenings it would cool off enough to open the windows and enjoy those refreshing cool mountain breezes.  There were many nights when it actually felt cold!   I am definitely lovin' it here LOTS!  I am looking forward to autumn.  I haven't seen fall colors since 1981, except for three days up at Asbury College back in November of 2003. 

I have always loved the mountains and have been especially fond of the Blue Ridge Parkway.  I now live just 9 miles from an entrance to it!  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be sooo very blessed by God!  He is sooooooo awesome!  My favorite thing to do here is go up on the Parkway and photograph the sunsets.  I'm not a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination, but I have taken some pretty cool pics up there!  Here are some of my favorites from July 13th:  

 Not too shabby for an amateur, huh?   Next are two pictures of Read Mountain, which is right behind us.  I affectionately call it "our mountain".

I took this one near the Parkway on a foggy evening.  If you look closely you can see deer among the bales of hay...

This is the front of our apartment building taken from the field next door: 

We live in # 3, on the top left.  You can see Bessie, my faithful little Chevy Cavalier ... she's the first car you see on the right.  Rachel named her Bessie a long time ago, and it stuck! 

Now, if you're not totally bored and I still have your attention, here are just a few of my favorite pics of the sunset on July 21st:

I have lots and lots more, but I think I've probably shared enough for now.  I added alot of them to my photo albums so you can view them at your leisure, if you care to.  I will also try to write, maybe a little each day, about what's been going on in my life during the past two months. 

Be salt and light, and remember ... Jesus loves you, and I do, too! 

It's in the Valleys I Grow

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe.
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so very much to learn
And my growth is very slow.
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross.
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss. 

Forgive me, Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Please continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for the valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!

Amen!

This will be the first Mother's Day that I won't be with at least one of my dear children, and I must admit I am not liking it one bit.  I mean, I knew this day had to come sooner or later, but, if it had been up to me, it would have been much, much later;  better yet, never!   Ah well.

Psalm 118:24 - This is the day which the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Happy Mother's Day, everyone!