I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

Back again... everything was fixed but now i'm feeling soo troubled... i'm not sure wht's the rite thing to do... i'm not sure if what i'm feeling is getting away with what's obvious... can u feel for some1 so much but be the totally wrong person for them??.... why would God let have such a beautiful and strong feeling for sum1 if u weren't meant to be with that person??.... why can't we simply just fall in love with the person u truly belong with... why do we have to develop feelings for others who aren't really the one for you??... i'm so cunfused rite now.... i have this strong burning in ma heart....i feel strong feelings for this guy but i might not b the one for him??... what do i do??.... do i wait it out and see wht grows??... how can anething grow from this??... there duzn't seem to be anething goin for me.... i really don't seem lyk the grl he deserves and it hurts me soo bad... i wanna be that grl but i no what he needs and i'm not it... it's hurts that i finally found the guy of ma dreams but i'm not the grl of his dreams.... i love him so much that i want wht's best for him even if it isn't me.... lolz it seems lyk i'm destined to be the grl that lives for the happiness of her lover even if he duzn't love her... i know he loves me... just sumtimes i can't help feeling lyk i'm not the one for him... wht can i do??... nothing.... it's not in ma hands who falls in love with who just who i fall in love with... well i got what i wanted... i found the one i love... it didn't turn out the way i planned it to though... i never expected that the one u love might possibly not b the one for you... all i'll have to do is shed the tears i need to so i can live life as best i can...

i haven't written in a while in this thing... i doubt sum1 will read this but... this is all i have rite now to pour out ma feelings... i feel so restless and alone right now.... i was reading old diary entries from freshmen yr of high school and i saw that i was soo sad and alone... i cried myself to sleep every night because i had this longing feeling for ma true love... i remember how it felt.... it was lyk sumthing on ma chest that ached soo deeply nothing could cure it cept that one guy i truly loved.... this same feeling haunts me now.... my current bf has been the best out of all of ma bf's i really feel comfortable and relaxed around him... i can talk to him... i really love him... but when he gets mad it scares me...it hurts me when he calls me names and it hurts me even more when he doesn't care... it makes me question his feelings for me.... i wanna stay with him and call him bac constantly when we're in a fight to fix things but then i end up being mad and make things worse.... we just had another fight and i called him constantly i no it's wrong i shouldn't do it cause then it makes me seem desperate but i can't help it.... he called ma a harasser...blackmailer....bitch... which i guess i was sometimes... he just brings out the devil in me... he makes me soo mad.... i just want to forget about all ma feelings for him like he forgot his feelings for me in a sec...but it's not that easy for me.... like i said before i used to have this aching in ma heart for ma true love.... i feel lyk he realli is ma true love...but i can't b sure because lyk he said loves works two ways and he really isn't that sure about this relationship...so i guess it's just love...ma first love...not true love...right now i regret giving him a part of me... i regret opening maself up to him and making maself so vulnerable to him... i hate that i'm soo sensative to him...if he were anebody else i could easily ignore him...but he's different...he's the one that makes ma heart jump whenever i see him... he's the one that i think of and miss when i'm alone... he's the one i go to for comfort and love... now that he's gone i have no one...because i gave up everything to be with him... i gave up my relationship with ma parents to be with him... it hurts that he just threw it back in ma face...this all started today when i was upset bout his mom ruining our day out together... i'm sorrie i was so upset but i neva get to spend time with him and it was the only time i could....also since he really couldn't hang out i thought y not make ma broken relationship with ma parents a little better and actually go home early for once... i was just gunna lie and go home late but since his mom was there and the mall was gunna close soon i might as well go home and be a good daughter again for once... he got mad at me though and told me he would not talk to me till mon... i was fine with that until he said he was going out to play pool... wouldn't even talk to me about it... i was saying sorry and trying to explain and he kept hanging up... he wouldn't try to understand.... he wouldn't listen... he didn't care.... that's half the problem he duzn't care.... he can just switch off his feelings sometimes lyk a robot... but ma problem is i can't do that..... it peeves me when he does that and i reacth all crazy cuz i get frantic and scared...i just ask God for strength rite now... strength to fake a smile to everyone... strength to live alone and quietly like i always said i would... strength to just keep on going... this year has been realli rough on me... i don't no how i'm surviving.... i just pray to God to take ma feeling for him away... i pray that i stop hurting... i pray that i stop longing and dreaming so much about ma true love... i don't belive in true love anemore... it's just an illusion... even if it did exist people never find it... true love never happens so it doesn't exist... the only thing that exists is the longing to be whole... the longing is the only thing that exists... i just wanna get rid of ma feelings... they're useless... they only get me into trouble aneways... what's the use of being happy... sad... angry...?? nothing... they all just screw u over in life... people like me try to find happiness in this dark world all the time only to lose hope... y bother... y not just accept that life isn't so great... there are no adventures... it's just all a meaningless existance.... there's no use in caring... we're all gunna die aneway.... sometimes i really do feel like just stabbing maself right thru the heart... i know it's a bad idea... but i just can't help feeling that that's the only way to escape this hell hole... there's nothing in ma life anemore... i lost ma parents.... i lost ma first love... i've lost ma dream since all ma grades have kinda droppeed this year... i've lost everything.... there's nothing left for me in america anemore... i just wanna leave... i wanna go to the philippines and live in ma small island forever... i can get use to being isolated again... when i was alone i was carefree... well not realli i cried maself to sleep at night like i said earlier...but there was no1 who could hurt me... i cried because of maself not because of another person hurting me.... i wanna be untouchable again... i wanna build up ma wall... that wall that's protected me before should protect me again... only this time it has to be stronger and harder to penetrate... i can't risk getting hurt anemore or falling for the wrong guy... it ruins ma mentality, ma health, ma family and ma relationship with God because i am too weak against ma emotions... this is all ma fault i'm too weak against temptations... i'm never goin to achieve anething if i'm weak and unprotected... i made the mistake of letting people in before and should have learned from that but now i've let some1 in even deeper and made and even bigger mistake... i have to learn from this and just move on.... it's the only thing i can do... if i don't i'll end up one day really killing maself... i don't want to do that... because it'll hurt ma family... even though i don't let them know it ... i love them... because they are the only ones in ma life the unconditionally love me... i see that every time i make a mistake and people hurt me ma family always still loves me... they're always there... and even though i can't let them see me cry i love them... i know that they'll always be there... sigh... should probly go to sleep now... it's gunna be hard but might as well try can't do anething else... i'm too restless...