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FaSheezy
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Name: Valara
Country: United States
State: Florida
Birthday: 5/19/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Neuroscience, Ultimate, Astronomy, Philosophy
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  FaSheezy19
Member Since:
11/14/2004
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| A Change Would Do You GoodTo the... maybe 3 people who actually read this.
I'm relocating to livejournal. Blame the soy bean. Xanga has served me well -- there is a definite progression from where I was when I first started blogging. If you want to continue to listen to me ramble on silly things you can follow me to livejournal. Hopefully the progression will continue.
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| "I think I validate you more than anyone else in your life."A friend recently told me this, and my immediate emotional response to this statement was horror. This statement was made in an air of esteem, as though it was for this reason that I should aggrandize this friend more than any other, for they take what I am and hold it as true -- regardless of the substance of what I am. But, and most especially to this friend in particular, I have always only asked, "Tell me when you think I am wrong and why. Try your damndest to explain it to me. I know I can be stubborn, but if you value me like you claim to, this request will be beneficial to the both of us, and to our friendship as a whole."
Validation. Validation is not what I want. I don't want someone to condescend to me. I don't want someone to have to bend reality so my deluded views on life may be right. I don't want someone who will let me remain in a box while reality is passing me by. I don't want a friend to stop life from teaching me what is real. This is not what I asked for, this is not what I want, and a "friend" who would do this, however "well-intentioned" it might seem at the time, will only lead you to a more intense conflict down the road. There is a saying, "I will slap you now so someone else won't beat the shit out of you later." That's what a friend does. They keep you tied and tethered to reality.
I was perusing Psychology Today, now known as one of my favorite magazines and found this article, Lust For The Long Haul. It's about intimacy in romantic relationships, but of course there are a lot of parallels in close personal friendships as well. The second I read this quote it brought me screeching back to that statement and I laughed out loud. (Bold mine.)
Real intimacy is frightening. It requires a kind of openness, honesty
and self-respect that most of us aren't used to. But Schnarch's 30
years of counseling couples has convinced him that it's worth it. A
truly intimate connection between adults is less volatile, because
couples aren't ticked off about what their partner is or isn't doing to
prop them up. It's more solid, because it's based on reality.
"Ultimately, you get through gridlock and get to a place of more honest
self-disclosure, where the focus is on being known, rather than being
validated."
People tell the truth to each other like they are throwing punches. It's just the truth, it's something you're supposed to be finding anyway. Another quote from the article, bold mine.
Schnarch's treatment usually involves intense four-day
sessions, and doesn't lend itself to quick tips. All the same, there
are basic behavioral shifts that he finds can benefit many unhappy
couples. They all involve the same process: Each partner takes
responsibility for his or her own emotions and learns to tolerate the
idea that his or her partner is not a spiritual twin. That means no
longer expecting a partner to validate you—so that he or she can admit
that sometimes your ideas are half-baked, rather than always reassuring
you that you're right. You examine your own behavior and see what you
expect others to do for you that you could be doing on your own—for
example, learning to feel good about yourself without requiring someone
else's praise and compliments.
But don't expect your partner to applaud when you tell
the truth about yourself. Learn to lick your own wounds—it's not your
partner's job to soothe you, it's yours. Try to tell the truth for the
right reason. Being honest doesn't mean being vindictive. "The idea is
that you are telling each other the truth, even when it is difficult,
out of caring and commitment, not because you're pissed off and want to
carve each other up," he says. The irony, says Schnarch, is that rather
than increasing conflict between couples—as you would think might
happen—emotional honesty has the opposite effect. The issue is no
longer about what your partner does or doesn't do: You can accept that
they, like all people, have their own limitations and failings.
Instead, the focus shifts to you, and whether you're being a
grown-up—or not.
It's funny, as life proceeds I find myself coming full-circle on a lot of things. I had these notions as a child and looking out into the world I changed a lot of them to fit the social climate because what I held as true so strongly contradicted everything I saw happening between people. I tore down my understandings and began the painful process of building them back up again. Now I find myself finding all those notions I had tossed aside when I was so young. I wonder what I'll find next? 
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| Love and SexI found a bunch of articles and quotes all related to the same thing. Very interesting. Check it out.
"Want to know something else which turns off a woman? The guy who makes like a clod.
And what do I mean by clod? . . . The clod is usually about as active
as a toad filled with buckshot. He seldom shows much enthusiasm in the
way of initiative, drive, or goals. And enthusiasm? About like a
well-fed walrus.
"The clods of this world are not losers. Nor
winners. They are simply non-winners. The clod is content to lie down
and allow life to roll over him. He seems to lack the juice flowing in
his veins to go after much of anything vigorously, whether it be a job,
a love affair, or some genuine fun. He became eighty years old within a
year after he and his gal made it a twosome. He never appears excited
about anything. At least not about anything which involves her.
"Oh,
he may get excited enough to spill his beer when he's with his buddies
at the baseball game, but when he walks through the front door at night
or takes her out for a 'big' evening (dinner, a movie, and home by
eleven) he acts like he's recuperating from a two months' bout of
malaria. Whatever get-up-and-go he may have once had got up and went.
"If her man isn't alive,
she won't be — at least not for him. She wants a man who faces the
world with ambition and enthusiasm as well as confidence, and with a
certain joie de vivre. The knight on the white horse doesn't
plod down the road like he is riding a tired mule, he charges into the
battle of life, eager to win the prizes. And she is one of the prizes
to be won."
— From How to Make Your Wife Your Mistress, by Lois Bird (1972)
"You Just Don't Get It"
"My partner understands my opinions and ideas."
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Unhappy couples: 19%
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Happy couples: 87%
In
the beginning of a relationship, conversation is mostly
self-revelation, which is interesting at first. But over time there are
many circumstances that allow you to see the quality of a person's
mind. It's OK to be awed by your partner's intelligence, but beware if
you think she is less than overwhelmed by the way you solve problems,
come to conclusions and think about life. The bedrock of mutual respect
is comfort and admiration for each other's opinions. If that isn't
present, contempt is just around the corner. --- From Love Is Not All You Need, Psychology Today Falling In Love by Marvin Minsky Prof. Minsky argues that falling in love, and one's skewed perspective of the object of one's affections, stems from an altered brain state, or "Way To Think." We are always juxtaposing our emotional states with our rational thought, but the presence of one must effect the other. The brain is a complex compilation of different systems working in tandem -- each unique combination of systems determines one's brain state, or "Way To Think." Now, with our addition of logic and rationality, one may consciously choose to change one's brain state or start a cascade of change to bring oneself into a better or more appropriate "Way Of Thinking" for certain situations. The Truth About Compatibilty, Psychology Today
The New Sex Score Card, Psychology Today
On an unrelated note, I found this article, Trashing Teens. I remember advocating child labor and apprenticeships to my friends and they always responded something akin to, "You want 5 year olds to get their arms ripped off in huge machines!" *Sigh* No, not really, but I don't think it would be so bad to let competent children file papers, type up reports, deliver newspapers, flip burgers -- basically earn money and get necessary experience to enter the work force. Not everyone wants to go to school, and no one should be forced into something they wouldn't freely choose. We shouldn't extinguish all of the good things a person could gain from having a job just because someone might get hurt. We shouldn't sacrifice the good for fear of experiencing the bad. It's funny, we shelter our children needlessly then tell them they aren't capable of accomplishing anything and we wonder why our country acts the way it does. Think back to this article, A Nation of Wimps. | | |
| Why Do Some People Resist Science?This article is enlightening. It helps explain how the informational zeitgeist of a society can propel or repel people towards or away from certain scientific ideas. When knowing how easily swayed a child can be in terms of what he or she thinks, it is extremely important to teach a child the right ideas. When you grow up in a society predominated by the wrong ideas you will inevitably hold some of those ideas to be true. It is a long and hard process to remove these falsehoods from your psyche -- and one way to prevent that struggle is never to induce these illusions into our children in the first place. This is why Richard Dawkins says religious indoctrination is child abuse. I liked how the article ended -- "To end on a
practical note, then, one way to combat resistance to science is to
persuade children and adults that the institute of science is, for the
most part, worthy of trust."
Read Me!
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| Don't Know Much BiologyFound this article at Edge. Jerry Coyne comments on the fact of a few of our presidential candidates raising their hands when asked the question, "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?"
*Sigh*
What I found interesting was thinking on all of the misconceptions with people's understanding of evolution. It is as if this scientific idea has gotten smeared on purpose to make it seem more idiotic. Like something that seems more logical to disagree with. I remember trying to explain evolution to some of my friends who were majoring in the Humanities. They kept asking me questions like, "So when are we going to evolve into something different?" No... you're looking at this wrong. Evolution isn't astrology -- it doesn't predict your future. Evolution gives you the conceptual tools to deal with a change as profound as bacteria to multicellular organisms. Small changes, piecemeal, create a large outcome. Think about your bank account and bank fees eating away at the balance, changing something large very minutely to piss you off into creating something small. Think about your car, at first you have a dent there, a scratch here, until so many small changes lead you to think you've been driving a hooptie for the past 8 months. Think tipping points, the straw that broke the camel's back, that asteroid that fell and killed off a few species, an assembly line adding one piece here, one piece there, until you've got something completely different. How are these things added? Through natural selection. That whole process, however fast or slow it moves, is evolution. It won't tell you where you're going, but it will tell you how you'll get there.
This should be basic science.
I'll tell you one thing, those guys definitely aren't getting my vote. Full Article
The Gallup Poll -- Majority of Republicans Doubt The Theory of Evolution.
Do schools kill creativity? Um, YES. Listen to Sir Ken Robinson's TED talk here.
Apparently, at some point the universe will expand so much it will be completely outside our knowledge. Check out this article in The New York Times.
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