apparently the link isn't working. so here's a new link:
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=take__two

it's finally time. time fooooor. a new xanga. take__two 
please subscribe and comment there.

this xanga was getting old. decrepit in it's old age. haha.

i feel like i've grown...maybe for the better, maybe for the worst since i started this xanga. when i started it i was naive. i thought eating disorders were glamorous. god help me, i fell for the whole 'ana' charade. i didn't know what i was getting into. i didn't know i wasn't controlling my life. i was being controlled by a mental disorder. i was spending my days and will continue to spend them in a false sense of control through numbers. calories. fats. the metal god that is the scale. the be all and end all for us. our judgement. it is the unmoving god that tells us whether we're worth to eat today.

anyways. that was some rambling, for a change. haha.

p.s. tonight i started crying, freaking out and throwing things in my room. don't know why. they say there's beauty in the breakdown.

and go. take__two

hiding the fact that you're dead again.

thinking of getting a new xanga. no one really reads this one anyways. well i know people do but whatever. change change change.

so i didn't take the laxatives. but the only reason was because we didn't have any. i did eat an entire bag of grapes though. grapes= laxative effect. so yay. at 450 calories so far. yeah. and look at that, it's only 12 40. how splendid.

that muslim guy who i think likes me told me he'd beat up this guy who was bugging me. this guy keeps talking about how he wants to sleep with me. and so my muslim friend was like 'if he tries anything, just tell me. i don't want to see you hurt.' tehee. awww. he's so cute. and he treats me like a princess. and today i was asking if he and this girl were datign and he got mad and was like, 'no!! i don't even like her. stop asking about her. she's barely a friend.' hahah. awwww.

what a cutie.

edit. i feel like shit. i'm an emotional mess. i feel like crying and i have no idea why. i really really need a hug. and at the same time if i got one i feel like i would break down completely.

i'm fucked up.

to use laxatives, or not?

that is the question. not simply to lose weight, but i hadn't pooped in FIVE days. and i know this is gross, but my bowels effing hurt. i'd be taking them in the form of a pill. i'm thinking of just taking one because i don't know how it will work. does anyone know how long the pills usually take to work?

damage:

fruit.
bran muffin. [tiiiny one]. 160 calories.
rice cakes. 60 calories.
ramen. fucking phil. boo. not even like 180? i barely had any.
veggie burger. which phil also made me eat. 210 calories.
rice cakes. 200 calories.
=

810 calories.

fuck. kill me. tommorow is 500 calories. oh i lost a pound. i'm sure to gain it back though.

[X] read assignment for english.
[X] read novel for english.
[X] do religious stuides assignment
[  ] read over geology notes.
[  ] read geology text book.
[  ] exercise. (i'm about to.)

i hate my mom. she is the cheapest bitch of life. makes me pay for groceries, and pretty much everything in my life. i wouldn't be surprised if she started charging me rent. and she has always paid for my text books in school but apparently this semester she isn't going to. and it's $200 i don't have. so i owe more money than i have. and i have to pay for cancun right away. so i had to apply for a student line of credit. i have to borrow money from the bank, because my mom is too cheap.

if my dad was alive he'd never let her do this. ever.

fuck.

i gained back the two pounds i lost. fuck me. i went for supper with my sister and some friends last night. and it was sushi, and even though i barely ate any, i still gained two disgusting pounds. why do i suck? i was also eating fuzzy peach candies at work, but those have no fat, and i didn't eat that many. and i had some banana tempura, which might've done it. but i swear whenever i eat at that specific sushi restaurant i gain weight. i also didn't have much water yesterday so it might be water weight. so i'm eating very little today and drinking lots of water. i can't fuck this up. i was doing so well. fucking birthdays. oh, last night at the restaurant i ordered two cocktails and the waitress didn't i.d. me. tehee. go me.

phil gets back today. he went to a city three hours away. boo. i didn't get to see him at all yesterday.

today's food plan:
cereal. 190 calories.
veggie burger. 210 calories.
rice cakes. 250-300 calories. damn them to hell.
water water water.
one diet coke.
=
700 calories.
to do:
[X]read assignment for english
[X]try and do assignment...even though i can't log on to the website i need for it.
[X] read geology
[?]don't eat.
[  ] religious studies assignment.
[  ]english essay.

shit. all this work is piling up on me. effing school.

okay, this is gross. but i haven't pooped in about 4 days. and i definitely should have. i had a bit of popcorn and BEANS a few days ago. this is going to be unpleasant.

i lost two pounds since my last entry. yay. my stomach is absolutely killing me. i have no idea why. but holy fuck does it hurt. i feel like dying.

ugh.

today's damage:
honey nut cheerios.[150]
low fat carrot muffin. [200]
2 fruit cups.
bean salad.
salad w/a tiny bit of chicken. [200-250?]
lots of diet root beer.
=

600 calories. [rounding up of course]
 
yeah i don't count fruit or vegetables for some reason. another neurotic eating disordered behavior. haha.