Fake_Fake_eyes's Xanga

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:48:13 GMT

What does everyone think about the featured weblogs and advertisements on this website? In a way, I want that. I want people to read what I have to say more desperately than anything. In another way, I'm weirded out by it. My weblog is more personal than not. I'm silly to think that only my close friends read it, but I don't want massive amounts of strangers following my movements. These xanga's, if used in a way that I use use it...can become the favorite tool of a stalker. Maybe. I mean, I purposely don't let some information slip. So I feel bad for those who have a large number of subscribers, because some of them might just be a little nuts. However, those who tend to have the most subscribers never get too personal. I don't mind talking about the bigger issues every once in awhile but thats why I have friends and family. I guess, all my serious intellectual thoughts come out during the course of the day. What I don't talk about is what I like to write about. But maybe, people bring up those topics because the people on xanga are their friends (along with their live friends) so they want to dwell upon the subject virtually as well. It seems like I'm talking myself in circles here.

Though, another thing that always bugs me. We don't "write" or "talk" when we type our weblogs. Why are we so bent on saying that we do. Maybe it's because our language never incorporated keyboards into the mix. It's so weird to say, you know, I love typing my entries every day. It kind of sounds like you're looking at something you've perviously written and are typing it up. I wonder if the word typing will ever take on new meaning like so many of words have in the past. (those of which I can't think of any examples right now). Or maybe it will just be one of those grammatical mysteries our kids talk about on english class when they never even learn how to write print or cursive. Typing then will be writing.

Also, my sickness has erased my appetite. I haven't been hungry since Monday night. When I do eat, nothing tastes good. Oh and I discovered my favorite candy, M&M's, gives me weird stomach aches. Anyway conclusion, I weigh like 108 again.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 16:10:47 GMT

Apologies I guess, for anyone who can only access my public posts since they are so few and far in between. It's hard to keep track of what I write in here anymore. When you're at college...or I guess just in school for that matter, things kind of present themselves differently. I think of my life in chunks now: Peter, Friends at school, School, Clubs. Anything stray that doesn't seem to fit under a category actually does. For example, 'family' fits under Peter because when I think Peter I think 'home' so 'home' and 'family' are both Peter.
So I tend to prioritize these chunks in kind of the order I wrote them. Thoughts occur within each of these subjects everyday. The most important and emotional thoughts that I feel the need to get out are the private ones.
What I talk about here is usually not my most praise worthy idea. When something intellectual does come up then thats basic proof that I'm very happy or at least content.

For the longest time I've wanted to talk about how happy I am with school. Then I also wanted to have the discussion that I lack motivation and continue to make 'bad' choices that anyone who isn't my dad would consider menial. I also wanted to have a fight with myself about how I only like school because I get to go home all the time. I still get homesick...and I've only been away from home for maybe two weeks straight at the most. There's more. There is a lot more that goes on up in my brain. Like I said, when you're in such a learning environment you can't help but have your mind working a majority of the time. It's always thoughts. They always slip away too.

My memory is awful.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:10:06 GMT

Here is something that I think will make things better that would never work.

I think we should stop teaching slavery in schools. We should take every single inch of oppression against blacks out of the history books. If we did this. If we never spoke of slavery or racism to the generations growing up, they would be colorblind. Maybe children would still question the different races but the answer wouldn't have to prime them for possible hatred. "Everyone is the same, doesn't matter what color."

Of course this would never ever work.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:15:40 GMT

My dad went into the hospital a little while ago for something no one figured out. OK. If that sentence didn't affect you read it again.
They kept him for two nights while he threw up and experienced severe abdominal pain, pumping pain killers into him and puzzling over what was going on. No one told me. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME.

I called my mom today to tell her that I was sick and didn't think I would be well enough to go to class tomorrow. So after she told me she would pick me up at 9 she added that little bit of information in.

Peter is picking me up right now.

I'm so upset it's ridiculous.

How could this happen?

I don't know what to feel.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 20:18:12 GMT

I'm kind of sick and I'm kind of stressed out most of the time. I'm doing homework and having friends. Neglecting my laundry...my health. This is boring.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 05:07:23 GMT

8am class + the inability to sleep until 1:30 am = I feel like crap this morning.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 15:14:45 GMT

I've yet to spend a single friday night here. This weekend is no exception. Next weekend I will be compelled home to see Zachy. However, the next weekend is Homecoming Weekend...so I think I'll stick around.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 12:56:02 GMT

Have you ever been in a car and never wanted it to stop. Usually you're not the person driving and you wish the driver would take you somewhere out west where you can go fast and feel your adrenaline escalate with every mile faster. Just the motion is comforting, like a hot tub. Or maybe the conversation is so healthy and right. Maybe you just don't want anything to end. Even red lights suck because the motion stops.

Sometimes I feel so content.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:58:17 GMT

I never took high school for granted when I was there. Now I don't miss it at all.

If someone asked me if I would do it over I would say yes, but in the sense that I would change things.

I was creeping on the morning wave's website and I watched the back to school episode. My cursing at Mr. Jamison caught Beth's attention so she came over. "Whoa, that's your high school!"
"Yeah."
"You guys are so lucky. My high school was shit."
"Yeah."

So then we talked about high school. And I concluded that my favorite year is a tie between junior and senior years for different reasons.

Junior year, even though I had Sean, I was stressed about the play and not getting a good part. I was always upset about something: tmw, homework, cheerleading, having no freedom, everything that went on in my group of friends.

Then senior year I had to deal with three plays, having decent parts, tmw failing, hating school, college, "friends" and always being confused about my relationship.

And those were my best two years.

Sometimes I Forget

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:10:40 GMT

Sometimes I'll lose myself in facebook or a tv show. Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking, "We'll I can't wait to get home." Then I look up and remember where I am.

The other day I was thinking about Christmas and I really felt it. The smell, the look and feel of my house...I wanted to be in that moment when we get home from dinner and rush to ready the house for our Christmas Eve guests. I always loved that.

I really wish I hadn't dropped my foundation and umbrella behind my dresser.