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| What I Remember of a RevelationI channelled my rage into school, into acting, into dance, and, above all things, into music. I devoured it. Mozart, Debussy, Palestrina, Brahms...everything I could get my hands on I learned and perfected. I got into college because of my voice. And then senior year was over, and I was graduating near enough the top of my class to make everyone happy, and graduating with honors, and ribbons, and medals, and ... summer came. This was the summer I've always wanted. I had the job I've always wanted, my best friends, and nothing to do but make money, spend money, and live it up like I always wanted. There were parties, sure; those with and without alcohol, and with and without parents.
And then, finally, I came here. College. A place with a central quad, and operas to be performed, and classes for which the lecturing professor actually wrote the textbook. And the social life--it was (and is) that which I had always wanted. Parties every night of the week if you could find them; boys on campus who were attractive (and attracted to me); freedom to skip out on big, crowded, boring lectures to get coffee with a new friend; new friends; auditions; graduate students singing alongside me; and, most exciting of all, no parents. No nightly pressure, no nagging voices, none of the constraints which had ruled me since elementary school.
That was my downfall. I did what so many college freshmen do. I let it get to me (the freedom, that is). I got carried away. So now, here I am, midway through my first semester with only mediocre grades and a slew of new friends to show for it. Not that I'm in any way not grateful for my newfound friends, or for the experiences I've had. I'm just ... dissatisfied with myself. All those years of "perfection" ingrained into my head make me feel like an underachiever. So, the vicious cycle continues-now I'm studying like I should (but not NEARLY the amount I did in high school), and going out only when I know I can afford to. Because now I know: the frats and the parties will always be here, but I only have four short years to better myself and get a degree.
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| I seem to be getting sick for the first time since I came here. It's weird to be sick and not be able to just go down to the kitchen to make myself a bowl of soup with which to curl up on the couch and watch daytime television, or DVD's of my favorite things. Not the most comforting feeling. Additionally, it's still too hot here for me to curl up in my comforter and read, so this is just an uncomfortable sickness all around.
This is so weird, but I just wish I had a friend here like the ones I had at home with whom I could like ... curl up on a sofa with and just talk and do ridiculous things. Too bad. This is probably making me most homesick of all. More than missing home cooking, or my dog (who I do miss, a LOT), or my friends who are still there, or who are at other schools.
I guess it's normal to miss the comforts of home when I feel that I need them, but is it normal to feel like I'm the only one?
On another note completely, last night was the Alpha Delta Pi sorority barndance, which I attended as my friend Jen's date. SO FUN! I had 11 beers (two of which were shotguns, and one of those shotguns ended up more all over my shirt than down my throat) and 5 margaritas, so you can bet there were a good few drunk dials and some FUN had.
So even though I'm feeling sick and missing home a bit, college is DEF still fun.
Back to writing my essay, I suppose.
Sam | | |
| Wow. I just reread that entry below this one and it's just like ... well first of all what the fuck? I sound like a whiny bitch. Whatever. I appreciate things, and whether or not you wish to believe that is your thing, I guess. Although I really don't think anyone here is judgning. Mostly because there's hardly ever anyone here. Ok.
And secondly, how did this happen? As much as pressure to uphold things for my parents and my family sucks, it's because things like this don't happen to the D**ese family. And they don't happen to the Mar***zak family, either. We're not those people. No 15 year old in my family is that girl.
At least, not until the end of this summer.
Leave your thoughts if you wish. | | |
| So ... I'm in college now, like, officially. I love it.
From the first weekend, it's been parties and fun mixed with new people, old friends, and-lamentably-homework and classes. But suddenly there's this scandal rocking my family tree. But first, let me get into it a little bit. Now, I don't want you to hate on me, or judge me for what I say here, because I'm rather pissed at the moment, and am liable to sound rather vain.
Okay. So people, to my knowledge, have this image of me in their minds. Granted, some parts of it are things I want them to think. I'm rather attractive, I love to dress well, I'm preppy, popular, and smart. I was a successful high school student. I went to had an active social life, went to parties, had good grades, leads in the plays, AP classes, student council, King of Hearts nominee, Prom King nominee, work at Abercrombie & Fitch ... that kind of stuff. So toward the end of the summer someone wrote me this anonymous note saying that they wished they could have my life. I was floored.
Family dinners every night. My mother telling me I should work out. My brother losing direction in his life at 23 and going away for the summer to see if he could find something. Struggling with the simplest school subjects until all hours of the night (and early morning), antagonizing myself over my looks. This is what I see as my life; it's always been about impressing others, maintaining this image. My family looks so---together from the outside. We're smiling, my parents have been married for, God, what is it now, certainly more than 30 years?
All of this isn't to say that I'm living behind a facade, that I didn't enjoy my life in high school or anything. I loved most of it. But there's always this insane amount of pressure on me. Be good. Look good. Pretend to feel good. Do good. So on and so forth. Things are so regimented, so planned for me. I can't step out of line without ridiculous consequences.
Yes, all of this has made me a good person, but it's also made me prone to dissappiontment in my life when I feel I've let others down. However, now I'm getting to the real meat of what's going on here, and why I'm kind of writing this entry after such a long absence.
Our entire family, from New York to Chicago to California, is very public. We have a lot of friends and know a lot of people. We're around. Here my family is always going to benefits for my father's work. My mom is constantly networking with other schools. My brother and I are making names for ourselves as social boys. Whatever. In NY, my aunt is the daughter of an ex-VP at Paramount Pictures. They're everywhere and talking to everyone out there. In CA it's a powerful tax attorney who is dating my aunt. She used to be married to a brain surgeon. That side of the family is everywhere. In Ohio my father's side of the family is all up in the business of everyone else; weddings, gossip; they're one of the old Ohio families.
Again, I'm not trying to make myself out to be special or something, it's just the reality, and I think this posting merits the background I'm providing.
However, I have one uncle who is rather the black sheep of the family. He's on my mom's side (her brother). He and his wife have a daughter who is gorgeous, but she's always seemed troubled. When we were younger she was obsessed with becoming popular. I don't know what happened, or when, but she seems to have left that notion to the wayside to become a party girl. This week I received an email from my mother stating that she (my 15 year old cousin) is pregnant.
It's rocking our family tree from roots to tip.
My grandmother can't find out, it will send her into cardiac arrest. My female cousins on my mother's side are calling K (the pregnant cousin) left and right, trying to convince her to put her baby up for adoption. However, K's mother is apparently against this (GREAT; it's wonderful to know you feel that way, seeing as my brother and I are both adopted. Sweet). One of my cousins may be flying home from Azurbijan (where she is in the Peace Corps) to have a chat with K.
How could K do this to us? More importantly, to herself? The girl is 15, smart, and pretty---she SHOULD NOT be pregnant! And now I'm abslutely DREADING coming home from school to attend family dinner for Thanksgiving, as K will be there with her parents for family dinner. Shoot me now. I can't handle it. I may try to go away for TG rather than have to sit through what is sure to be the most uncomfortable meal of my life.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say in this entry is something that's really been said quite a lot over the years, and that's simply this:
Never wish for someone else's life, because behind closed doors, under wraps, every family has secrets and twisted goings on, no matter how happy they appear. You're just as well-off as anyone else you see, so fear not; revel in what you have and don't get caught up in the lives of others.
......Because they're not always so great.
Sam | | |
| GlitterballSo, it's been pretty real around the family stronghold these days. We're going hardcore toward the party next week, about which I have to say I'm pretty excited. Beachy prep all the way!My room is coming along well (haha yeah remember that?) but has taken a back-burner postition in comparison to the rest of the house. I'm FINALLY ringing at Abercrombie! AKA I work registers now! It's rather fun, and I've always wanted to haha. How sad. But I've achieved a dream! And now, a list of things going through my mind at present: -"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" was TOP NOTCH.
-The 7th and final HP book comes out in 5 days.
-My mother doesn't like my new clothes (which means other people presumably will. Yay!)
-Croquet.
-Polo (the game, not the clothes). Listen to the song that's at the top of this entry. It's pretty boss. And now you have a bizzare glimpse into my head. Congratulations! See you at A&F tomorrow! Sam | | |
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