happy father's day. kind of.so i was definitely thinking that since i graduated from college, it was time to move on past the age of online journals. however, i realized that i have way too much on my mind to ever give up writing out my thoughts and ideas. so, at least for now, i will not be giving up on this outlet for myself. today was father's day today. for some reason it was the most painful father's day to date. my relationship with my father is, at the very least, strained. i don't even think that fully describes it. i told my parents i was going to go to walmart before we went out for father's day together, but i never made it to walmart. instead i just drove. i drove out backroads, around different farms, up and down windy roads with the window down and the music blaring. i couldn't help but just need to get out. i've felt as though my life has been so emotionally crazy after graduation, more than i've ever experienced before. maybe i'm just getting to be more reflective in my old age, or i'm just plain crazy myself and can't stop thinking. in the conclusion of my drive, i realized this father's day was annoying me, not because my father and i no longer get along, but because i'm jealous and upset that i don't have the relationship that most others have with their father. other fathers and daughters hug each other and get to talk about their lives. they have fathers who say happy birthday on their 22nd or don't get upset easily over small things. basically, i see all of these other relationships, even with their problems and flaws, and i still see something better than what i have in my life. it's just upsetting to feel like i no longer have a relationship with my father. it's like i'm mourning a loss. it's not like we haven't tried to fix things - heck i've even been to counseling over this. maybe i just need to learn that this is how it is. it's just hard to want things to be over, even between him and my mother because that's not healthy either. on another note, i feel like the other aspect of my life that is making me crazy is relationships with guys. my heart is so torn over a guy who i just started to get to know before graduation. the only thing is that he has a girlfriend. a girlfriend of 5 years. and then continuing in our saga, he comes to admit plain out that he likes me. that when i walk in the room, he instantly feels happy and that i do nothing but make him smile- that he feels most comfortable around me. who wouldn't want to hear that from a guy? that as soon as i walk in a room things are good for him--- because of me. yet the fact that he has a girlfriend still really bugged me- so i decided i needed to keep moving. so i went out to ice cream with a guy from home. we had a good time, and he wants to go out again which of course my mom is so excited to happen (only because she's been praying for years for something to work out for me) but i still cant help but feel my heart is with the one with the girlfriend. how frustrating is that? and not just him, but also with an exboyfriend that i recently spent some time with. i never expected to fall for someone from my past again. whatever happened to an ex is an "ex" for a reason. but there was something about him.... yet he has a lot of changing to do before anything would happen there. i feel like what i need to do to fix my problems is to make my relationship with God a lot stronger. i know that i've felt that i've fallen away for awhile now and i feel i need to get back into making my relationship with God stronger. i think that may help answer some of my problems and help strengthen me in what my life is to be about and who is to be in it. the only solid thing in my life is that i now have a teaching job. finally. i have an amazing contract with such good benefits- i'm going to be set in my life. at least i have something settled and set in stone. i can't wait to start looking at the curriculum and planning out my 2nd grade classroom. can you tell i've had a lot on my mind lately? | 
