Hello

Wow... it's been a long long time that I haven't updated my xanga.

When I log in, I do wonder if this password is correct. Luckily, I still could remember this password. I realise I use this password for years. It represents ' a history' to me. Sometimes, it floats to my mind of this history even it's a long past. It makes me feel I am still connected with this history / memory. It's a good time when think of it.

Today, Pastor shared with us, "time to live, time to die......" . Ecc 3:1-11. Life is not easy no matter you accept it or not. I think these verses comfort me a lot. "We cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." No matter how hard you think or strive to get the answer, you may not get a one until you meet our Lord. This is very true. Sometimes, I ask myself what is happening to you? What do you think? Why you put yourself in such poor situation? How do your heart feel? Do you really enjoy it?  Or you try to please others?

Tonight, I wish I have something extraordinary to be happened. I am waiting for something, I am expecting for something when I open up the pc. What am I thinking? A place for me to escape from reality and imperfections.

Yesterday, when I was having tea with mom in " Ikea", my eyes dropped on a person. We exchanged our eyes for seconds, several times. This eye to eye contact was quite special to me even I can't explain why. It's attractive and even today this image flashes up. I saw a couple too.  It also caught my eyes and tried to tell me sth.......

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It's always happy to visit baby, they are quiet, dependent, harmless, innocent. We visit Edmond and Janice's babies. It makes me to have the most relaxing and happiest time of the day. Wish they grow up in God's rich blessings.

 It's been a long long time that I haven't updated at here.

Even, I don't drop any lines but there's been quite a lot happenings.

When or where should I suppose to write lei?

Last wednesday, I went to a cinema to watch a movie by myself. The one is named' Wait till you're older'. Andy Lau gets old from a kid to an old man within few days. The story is simple, and I like one shot that Andy goes to a house of his friend, a kid indeed. The house is full of broken electronic appliances, his friend's father is a man that repairs all kinds of broken things. From his look, he is not attractive, not rich, but his way of teaching to his son is brilliant, full of wisdom and love. At dinner time, he calls Andy and his son to reach to table as mother and sister are waiting for them. But around the table, just 3 seats and a TV. Mother and sister are on the screen, they are looking at each other and dining at two different tables, two different places, but with close hearts. Simple conversations between husband and wife about family affairs show deepest love, commitment, promises, trust and even romance.  I am touched and envy.

Sometimes, a relationship is so... difficult to keep. If I use the word 'Keep', it may imply both parties or one party may not enjoy when being together. When is the time that we both experience 'being connected' , being 'united'......... it is the time of romance indeed. 

Love can cast away fear, sins, weakness, shortcomings, and can be medicine, power, strength to overcome all adversity and  to live on.... God inputs this element to every one of us. We should make good use of it.

These days, some reflections in my mind, that is not easily written down by words. I read about "Paul's thorn" one day in MTR, I guess I know how hateful could be a thorn of own. Getting older, I recognise my thorn more apparently. Sometimes, I want so much that could be removed or minimised, but at the same time, it lets me know how weak I  I am, how incapable I am.. how much I need HIM...... May I stay close with HIM forever in my life? I must turn to HIM no matter how big mistake that I have made. He is the only Exit even when no one could understand or let it expose.

Now, I am waiting to meet Chee for a discussion. I forget to bring the right floppy ( only the wrong one in my desk now), so I can't do the things as planned, plus I have no motivation to move downstairs to search for that floppy. These days, my working efficiency is low. It seems I am losing gear or concentration on the work itself. Like today, when I decide to climb up the stairs to send some important messages to an important person, I nearly fall off from the stairs. Luckily, only my forearm is mildly injured but still can work.

Last nite, I was very delighted to leave PDC on time so that I can meet my brother and we drive to airport. It's a good route with nice scenery. It would be even more wonderful if you are sitting there. , next to me.

So excited to see mom, mui mui and uncle coming out from the gate. I love them from my bottom of heart, especailly when I look at the refreshing smile from my mother. Her health is really improving as she can travel and even does a lot of things, like taking 'spring'. They keep on talking n talking.. Lots of luggage makes me and my brother headache. Finally, we squeezed them into every tiny spaces inside our small car and drove to home.

Home now again is filled up with noises,  in particular when mom shared her shopping.. can't imagaine how come they can buy that much... My lovely sister got sick during the trip, today is her first day of work... prayed for her this am.

This am, I drive back to work... feels like everything turns back to normal, back to reality............. time to wake up.........

Something once you experience, you don't want to miss it anymore. You want to  grab it firmly, daily, concretly, softly and forever............ though it's not easy and a long battle.

'Back to normal".. that's what I tell msyelf when I drive today....

Anyway, it must be a blessing from God...... let me pray for it.

 This week is the last week that I work in the first floor of stewards building. I have been working here, in surgery two, a tiny room for almost four years. Starting from next week, I have to move down and pack up all things and move the dental chair downstairs.

The new clinic or called medical center is more advanced, bright with artifical white lighting, white walls... but no windows, walls and rooms surrounds us.. A new working place, a bigger surgery room with new dental chair.. does it make me happy or more satisfied with the work itself? I don't know at this moment.

Last night, I read over pages before I can sleep at late night. It mentioned about 'sometimes, our heart is refused to be comforted".... Sometimes, we will shut up ourselves and refused to be comforted, even it's not a wise way.. but it's easy for us to sink into that trap. Perhaps, the chance of finding others to understand and worth to share is not optimistic. Perhaps, explanations is part of our daily duty and tired enough to do it after work. Perhaps, we are lacking of any gear or interests to strive for other's understandings or just wanna to 'let it be'.

The more I work on people, the more I learnt. I think deep down my heart, I m losing a lot of motivation to treat or care them good enough. I find it extraordinarily difficult to love but return nothing or even curse. Right now, I can see my change. I am hesitate to pay effort, to show my care, to ask for care, agreement... in particular when dealing with work stuff. I stand far away at the other side of 'rive blank' to observe, to touch briefly, to shut up any offer, to run away if necessary.. in order not to get involved, not to expect..

Don't know why.. for the whole week... my attitude is like that, though not healthy enough.....

May God soften my heart and give me strength to have perservance.

These few days, I lost most of my gear on things that I am supposed to do well and persistently.

Today, when I drive and look up the sunset and the cloud, the sky is big , wide, infinite... I use a lot of time, spirit and gear to build up my competence on different skills, then confidence comes along with it...

However, after facing several incidents and comments, my foundation was shaked. It seems I return back to 'zero'. I lost all accumulated competence. I feel frustrated and strengthless to go ahead. It's a pity, I told myself as it really takes me lots of effort and peservance to build up it. But now, it's destroyed. I am being pushed down.

But good is that God stops me from going too fast and stop awhile and do some reflections before stepping forward. Hope I could be recharged soon...

.go go go............. fighting...........