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Fleur
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Country: Canada
Gender: Female
Interests: Praise & worship, volunteering, bible study, reading, online communities
Expertise: New projects {she says, tongue firmly planted in cheek).
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
7/23/2001
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| I am soooo angry.
Todd arrived to drop the kids off tonight in a rotten mood. Avoiding my eyes, monosyllabic responses to questions ... that kind of thing. He asked me to write up a list of phone numbers, and I had no problem doing it. Sat right down to it, and invited him to sit down while he waited.
He decided to use that time to tell me I had ruined his weekend when I had reminded him yesterday (in what I had thought to be a civil conversation) that there was no promise to come back in six months; that in fact the commitment was to a minimum separation of six months. He said, "well, when you said a minimum of six months I took that to mean you were coming home in March."
Where is his head? What is his problem? Does he really not understand why I am out here, and why I left?
Then, he has the nerve to tell me he searched the Scriptures and only found one example of a marital separation. He started to continue talking about it, but I interrupted him and said, "don't you dare preach to me after I begged you for years to become more interested in the things of God." He then hollered up the stairs to me that he was "glad that God doesn't hold his past against him like I do." When Abby went downstairs to say goodbye they both cried together.
How am I supposed to be tilling my heart and making it ready for reconciling when he is full of this garbage?
FWIW I went out to the truck to apologize for my part in escalating, and all he could do was continue to tell me how wrong I was.
This is so not worth it. It would be easier for him if I were dead. Not that I'm going to be, but then he could live his perfect little unexamined life and reap all the sympathy he feels he deserves. | | |
| I had an epiphany this morning
(while on the toilet ... how significant  )
I realized that I do _not_ have to reconcile w/ Todd if I don't want to.
Now, you might see this as a no-brainer, but I think I've truly thought deep down that even though I'd taken the step to move out I had to get back with him.
I'm such an idiot sometimes. 
I think what I realized this morning is that only a peripheral portion of my life will be affected if I stay separated - the church part. And if that's the case, it won't be by my choice.
Eventually, my parents will have to forgive me if they want to see their grandkids (lets not get into the dynamics of who deserves to be forgiven, 'mmm kay?). Todd will survive, life will go on.
What a concept. | | |
| I'm updating an entry I made about a month ago, before we separated. I didn't make it public then, but I think I'm ready to work on this aspect now.
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Can I tell you why I'm fat? (PS: if you hate fat people, or think it's just a matter of laziness, please skip on. I'd hate to have to waste you over this.)
Reason #1: I eat too much, of the wrong crap, and exercise too little.
That is a nobrainer.
Reason #2: After a LOT of self-analysis and thought and consideration (like, 18 months worth) I've realized I'm scared to be thin.
I don't know what thin feels like, looks like or acts like. Fear of the unknown.
Reason #3: I'm scared of me. More specifically, I'm scared that I do not have the morals/ethics/principles to live a restrained life should I be thin and have guys hitting on me.
I've always fallen in lust verra verra easily, and with the most inappropriate men. Wugh. And in the last little while (again, the last 18 months or so) I seem to have been able to reason myself out of fantasizing about these kind of guys. But I am deathly afraid that I would turn into a slut, that I do not have the internal discipline to keep myself apart from a guy who might proposition me.
Isn't that a sad thing to be scared of? So don't make fun of me when I say I can't find the motivation to lose weight. It's way more complicated than that.
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So what do you think about that? Deep, huh? (j/k)
I've been thinking a lot more about this aspect of my life, and I'm finding that the more I poke at it, the less tender it is. I'm realizing that giving in to fear is cowardly, and lazy, and that's not what I want to see in my character.
As to resilience and discipline, I guess I'll just have to pray about it and trust God to guide me when/if the situation should ever occur. | | |
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Todd just got finished dropping the kids off and we had a fight. Over money, of course. What else?
I dont' have the energy to go into the details; sorry. I really don't. But why is it so hard to try and repair something? Is it worth it? That's where I'm at ... is it worth it? | | |
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Wednesday, September 11, 2002
3:04 pm
Today is the day of remembrance. I haven't watched anything on TV; I did listen a bit to the CBC coverage this morning but then turned it off. I am honoring them by going about my business - loving my kids & taking care of them - and letting the families grieve in peace.
Tonight we have our first joint bible study. Wugherty. I am not looking forward to it at all ... it's part of the Alpha program, where you meet for dinner beforehand and then stay for bible study. Ick ick ick. I invited Todd to go swimming with the kids and I last night, and he read entirely too much into it. (Yes, I let him kiss me. Sigh.)
Why is this so icky??? | | |
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