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FloatingDreamer
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Name: Alexandra (Alexi, Al)
Gender: Female
Interests: Vegetarian, philosophy, Russian Literature and Kaftka, research, physics, defying physics, speaking french, traveling [I have yet to visit Africa (hopefully Egypt) and South America (Rio anyone?)], shopping at open air markets and outdoor strips, mall-hater, skim latte lover, losing weight, couture whore(Narciso Rodriquez, Y&Kei dresses, Monique Lhuillier, J. Mendel, chiffon Chanel dresses, my Miu Miu shoe collection, Luca Luca dresses) NY is my second home. My majors are philosophy and psychology (research only! no feely feely crap). My official diagnosis is anorexia nervosa with binge-type.
Expertise: perfectionism, fashion addiction, latte addiction, ambition, academia, lover of books, being a fat college student.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  floatingdreaming
Yahoo:  floatingdreaming
Member Since:
7/18/2005
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It must be the weather. I feel
kind of gross today. And smelly too. It was raining out and I didn't
bring a jacket. I'm too tired to shower...I wonder if someone will say
something to me if I suddenly became "the stinky kid" at school. Note
to self: buy a spring coat. I'm so broke....grr.
I'm glad it's getting warmer. I can drink tons of water and unsweetened
iced tea without freezing to death. I don't even want to go on the
scale again. I'm afraid that the number will be horrifying. I just ate
a bag of soy crisps (300). That was all I had today anyways.
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| I'm going to have to turn my
posts to a weekly or bi-weekly thing now. I was going to comment after
that last post...but then I was surrounded by people. My weight is
pretty steady right now. I've been drinking water like crazy but my
intake has been around 1,000. That makes me feel really dirty and
shameful. Almost as shameful as that porno-man being discovered.
My life at school is crazy
right now..all I ever talk about on here is school because I really
have no social life. Again, let look at the math. I still choose thin no matter what people tell me..
Fat=Friends (food x drinking)
Thin=success(previous weight-current weight-goal weight/fasting)+academic success
I've already decided that I would rather be thin and still unhappy, then healthy and happy. Are my values really so skewed?
I had this horrible
presentation in one of my classes. The professor for my class is also
one of my advisors for my research project. When I completely fucked
up, I could see the disappointment in his eyes. Even though he
gave me an A-, I could sense that he expected something more.
I've been disappointing everyone too: my friend was mad that I couldn't
go to her art show opening, my mom shoved me off the computer because I
was crticizing her grammar when I was typing for her, my dad keeps
asking if I'm bulimic (will I ever tell him? Hell no. Nosy old man),
and my mentor thinks I'm stupid as shit (my mind is so numb, that I
can't function normally or remember any of the things she says).
Furthermore, I expect so much more out of myself than these people
expect out of me.
I know I'm not invincible or some kind of superhero
but I really think that maybe if I just try a little bit better, that
things will work out. But I keep telling myself that when it comes to
weight...and I haven't lost that much. I barely get more than 4hours of
sleep per night. I might as well just live in the library. My life is
so freaking hectic right now. The people I see everyday are the
faculty, the coffee man at the organic restaurant, grad students and
other nerds. I hope there's somekind of life lesson that I'm supposed
to learn here. Oh yeah, I have to see the doctor in two weeks to get a
referral for a new psychiatrist. I secretly hope I get hospitalized so
I have a good excuse for doing a half-ass job on everything.
Current intake:
Dried fruit-50
Cereal-480
Potato salad and gum-100
Strawberries-76
3 liters of water
Someone kill me now. No more...no more.
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| Monotonous Synchrony
I have a lot of
schoolwork but I really don't feel like doing anything at all. It's
barely 1pm and I already polished 1/2 box of cereal. My life is so
repetitive
Sorry about this week. I think I've
commented and visited only about three other people's Xanga. Being on
here makes me really paranoid. When I update, I cautiously look over my
shoulder and see if anyone is hiding in the bushes so I don't get
caught. I keep thinking about porno-man in my university's humanities
library. Long story short:
Me=Typing a paper
Porno-man=looking at porn on the library's computer at the table next to me
Me=glances and feels slightly embarassed and appalled
Porno-man= sees me glancing and closes the window
Me=dirty "I'm going to report you for abusing the internet" blackmailing look
Porno-man=pretends nothing happens and turns the
computer monitor downwards and sideways (we have
flat screens on all of our
computers at school)
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| Intake today?
Not that great. I had a meeting for my honor society/club today and
there was tons of food. Everyone was stuffing their faces. What do
people when things are awkward or dull? They eat.
Someone gave
me a very good suggestions to try to think of a few positive thoughts
each day. I look at things too negatively that my cynicism and
pessimism is just reinforcing my toxic personality and badly affecting
people around me. Positive thought of the day: I'm a fucking genius at
lying. Second positive thought of the day: one of my professors said I
was intelligent and a ambitious overacheiver (wait...is that negative?).
I have a lot to say
but I'll spare everyone with all the random things I would have said.
My thoughts are all over the place. I have millions of thoughts going
through my head and a lot of things to worry about.
I'm going to change my layout again. I'm sick of the polka dots already.
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I met with my professors
today..I want to cry because I couldn't focus and now they probably
think I'm fucking stupid. I couldn't pay attention to what they were
saying and they even had to repeat their question several times before
I could answer.
I don't know if it was the coffee or what. But I don't want to talk
about school anymore because I want to be in denial. Thinking about it
would just make me sad and cause emotional eating.
Anyways....
I'm 112 lbs. I'm not happy because it should be much lower by now. I don't have time to exercise.
I'm dizzy and I can't focus. I keep asking myself if this is a good
trade off by letting myself stay malnourished. Being a geek, school is
ranker number one in my life priorities. I want to excel in academics
especially if I want to stay in academia for the rest of my life. But
right now, losing weight and self-control is tied with school.
Everything and everyone else is number two unless someone dies. I'm a
bad bad person and no one deserves me as a friend. It's such a
depressing post but it's true. I think its because I just realized
today that I have re-prioritized things in my life. Never before, as my
weight become top priority when it's always been third.
Are my priorities skewed because I'm so obsessed with my weight? I'd
rather feel dizzy and cognitively impaired than gain weight. As long as
I don't fail anything, forget anything, lose anything and stay
articulate and excel in school, I think I will be okay. But if bothers
me so much because I know I have the capability to sound much smarter
and not slur my words like I'm high all the time. I think my mind is in
starvation mode because it takes me such a long time to concentrate
lately and i just feel so damn slow.
Honestly, I just want to get to my goal weight. Maybe I will
re-prioritize the things in my life again. I just don't want to be fat.
Not socializing would let me get to my goal weight: no eating out or
drinking. I'd rather be friendless and thin. That's how fucked up I am.
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