Franz_F_Ziebert's Xanga

Favorite Duck

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 03:06:26 GMT

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, Dr. Wegman pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds' chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said...I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away....

The distressed owner wailed,...Are you sure?

Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead he replied.

How can you be so sure, she protested. I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

Dr. Wegman looked at the woman and said...I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.."$150. 00!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

Dr. Wegman shrugged. I'm sorry, If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

One-way Ticket to Heaven

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:58:45 GMT

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one: "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.

As I entered my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong. So, I went out to the balcony and there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! I got really mad, so I started kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I got a hammer and hammered on his fingers. He let go and fell—but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "Sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. See, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and I do my exercises out on my balcony. This morning I slipped andI fell over the edge.

But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony and started kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. I let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Then suddenly, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I was hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 23:51:15 GMT

Considerate Missus

His wife being eight months pregnant, poor husband has had to sleep on the floor and this had made him desperate for sex.

One night as she lay on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty air.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she takes her wallet and fishes out $100 and gives it to him. "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this can happen only once, okay? Don't ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she might change her mind, grabs the money, and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife, and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants $200."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him $100!"

Monday, April 11, 2005

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 08:05:59 GMT

Girls' Night Out

Two women, best friends, went on a night out to celebrate their birthdays which both fell on the same day. All night, they took to the cocktails with such glee that, as expected, they got incredibly drunk.

Walking home after a great party, they both felt a sudden urge to pee. They were very near a graveyard and, as it was all dark and quiet, one of them suggested they just relieve themselves behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive thong and didn't want to ruin it, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came home with a sympathy card stuck between her butt-cheeks that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!"

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 23:15:33 GMT

Kick Me

A city lawyer went duck hunting in a rural town. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer walked up to him and asked what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own," boasted the lawyer.

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things up here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule." "What's that?" the lawyer asked. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about it and figured he could take the old man easily. So he agreed. The old farmer walked up to the city fellow and kicked him in the groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The third kick almost knocked the lawyer out of his wits.

The lawyer slowly got to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot-now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 05:15:01 GMT

Seductive Fingers...

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently carress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 22:45:08 GMT

Harley Davidson’s Design…

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Edison, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, " Ah, Yes sir, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me sir, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well sir," said Arthur, "between professional to professional, I think you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

Hmmmmn, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 06:16:40 GMT

Too Much Endorsement?

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 03:10:00 GMT

Sandpaper

Pinocchio's human girlfriend has been complaining about getting splinters while they're having sex.

Pinocchio therefore goes to visit Gepetto to see if his carpenter dad could help. Gepetto suggests the wooden boy try a little sandpaper. Pinocchio skips away, enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto sees Pinocchio bouncing happily through town. He asks, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replies, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 22:43:14 GMT

Horny Hag and Her Corn

Three guys are stranded in a desert. Off in the horizon they see a house and crawl to it.

The first guy knocks on the door and asks for water.

A wart-covered, toothless old woman answers: "I will...if you have sex with me." The guy pukes and runs back to his friends to tell them what happened.

The second guy, thinking the first guy was a wuss, takes his turn.

Same thing happens-he sees the woman and hurls.

The third guy, knowing they'll all die if he doesn't do something, follows the lady to her kitchen.

"Do me here," she tells him. He sees three ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and keep your eyes closed!" he says. The witch obliges.

The guy picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. As soon as she's done, he throws the corn out the window. "That was the best orgasm of my life! Do that again and I'll give you a million bucks."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again," says the man. He does her with the second ear of corn, then throws it out again.

"If you do that again, I'll give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."says the old woman.

He does her with the last piece of corn. "Ohhhhhh... The water, money, and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs outside, grabs the water and money and jumps onto the Jeep. He drives around and finds his friends by the window.

One of the guys says to him: "Hey, I hope you had fun. We just ate the three tastiest pieces of buttered corn you could ever imagined!"