dear mom,
i am scared.
scared of what is happening to you.
i feel awkward when i try to help,
i feel awkward when you get upset.
i hated being your nurse when i was at home.
now i hate the fact that i love not being at home for that sole reason.
your different every time i see you.
your legs thinner, feet scrunched.
mood changed.
your face lights up every time i see you, and it breaks my heart.
i am scared, mom.
scared of not having you anymore.
scared of dad being alone.
scared of you being scared.
i don't want you to be hurt.
i miss the old you.
going to the mall, stupid stores, door county with you when you could go shopping with me.
i miss you doing stupid dances in the kitchen, and even when i rolled my eyes, i laughed at us.
we are so retarded.
we act like 14 year olds, gossiping and fighting while laughing.
according to the doctors, you should have about 2 years left.
i will be 20.
i want so much to take this from you.
mommy, im so scared.

I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well I'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.



All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know

please?



On the porch, she will sit,
light another cigarette,
and take a sip of anything that makes it right.
She's outside, trying to hide from the fight just inside,
where her mom and her dad destroy each other
and on the phone she will call
every boy, yeah, one and all.
They will touch her in all the right places.

And in her room, she will slide
down the bed and try to fly,
and she will fall once again for the feeling
and as he grabs her brown hair,
she is faking
that the feeling he gives her is real
as the floor underneath the bed is
breaking
she will finish what she starts with "i love you."

so from her head to her toes,
nervous hands and runny nose,
all of this just for one night of feeling
and in her ears she will hear
all the things that hide her fears
of dying young and making plans for the future.

and all the marks on her arms
symbolize a fractured heart
and all the boys that were smart
left her alone

so from the roof, she will fly
15 feet down the side
of the house where she once was happy









yes it's true, she's aware
that she is breaking
and it's true, she can't do anything