Why is it that every single time I try and distance myself from something or someone I get pulled in and when I try and get close to someone they remind me that I am not meant to be with them.

Today I saw Benji. Okay! Before you freak out nothing happened. We stayed away from the sushi place (that was for you Mike). I planned to meet him at MOMA because I wanted it to be in a place that I would remember. What is this "it" I speak of you say? Our last moment together. I love him. Please, don't I know what you are going to say. You can't choose who you care for. He is a part of my life and I will treat him like it. It was painful. He looked at me with his deep blue eyes and overly tanned skin while I told him I couldn't...not today...not ever. You see I foolishly believed I had someone waiting for me in the wings. Silly me. It seems as if my love interest was less then interested. I can't pretend to be surprised. Even people on xanga flee from me. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for the people who didn't get to know the amazingly wonderful me (at the risk of sounding narcissistic).  Benji almost cried and asked for one more kiss (how cliche). As if that would do anything for him. I wasn't going to let him have me one more time. I made up my mind that I would just turn around and walk away, but I saw him curling up. So I just embraced him...and held him. It was a perfect moment. For once I felt in control. I felt like I had the power to make someone fall apart. To make them feel pain inside like I did. I didn't like it. As much as I loathed him, I couldn't. To make someone feel like that is beyond evil. So there we were in each other's arms. That's all I wanted. I suddenly felt like I could get my life together. Thank you Benji. Thank you for closure. I will leave your door open. Be a good boy.

So here is the skinny on my night:

Linley, Maddox, Tyler, and Seth took about an hour to call me back and I was just sitting on my bed petting Chewpa, eating ice cream, and trying to decide what to wear (one of the greates challenges in my life). It was perhaps the saddest point in my life. I ended up on the floor doing snow angels...don't ask. Soon after I got my shit together Linley called and told me I was late so I "ran" my ass down to Chelsea where I was greeted by some of the most pissed of gays you have ever seen. Maddox jokingly said "It's so expected that you would be late. I mean you still think the world revolves around you." Damn right! We just basically went boy-watching and told each other secrets that shall NEVER be repeated. Towards the end of the night Tyler invited us back to his place where we got smashed and ate pizza from the night before. I believe it would have been a little less repulsive if there wasn't a cigarette pushed into the center of it. Linley reminded us of how important it was to wear panties under your skirt *cough*skank*cough*. That is where it gets a little fuzzy. I can't remember anything. I just ended up waking up at 1:00 in the morning and walking through Central Park to get back to my apartment. Let me tell you something. Until you have walked in the park in complete darkness you haven't experienced true fear. Half of the way through some guy actually asked me if I was cruising. GROSS. I got back at like two after getting myself together and making sure no one followed me home. I'm that amazing. Chewpa was on the other side of the door asking for some lovin. That dispells any rumors of me being a heavy partier with no morals. I prefer just kicking back and getting closer to those who love me most. I don't need a man to get me to feel that way. I have all I need in the people around me. Thank you so much for keeping me going. You guys make my life.

Where would I be without my friends? Linley invited me out tonight for dinner and a few drinks. We are having another meeting with the klan. Yes, the klan. You are probably wondering what kind of klan I am speaking of. Do not be alarmed we do not string people from trees (unless you count the time that we tied Bradly Dewitt to a tree...then I guess we do). This klan consists of three of the gayest men you will ever meet. Maddox, Tyler, and Seth. Although they might look all mocho on the exterior a single mention of Paris, Elizabeth, or Cher and their heads will blow off. It is something we do when one of us is feeling down. For some reason being around them lifts the stress and anxiety. I am actually supposed to get my ass all the way to Chelsea (sp?). That being "boys town". The new Soho if you will. Wish me luck.

I have just been reminded of a quote from an old friend of mine..."To let others hold your hand while you write your own story isn't living".

How does this play into my recent entry you ask? Simple really. Most people go through life thinking that something can't exist if they haven't seen it first hand. For example: Would your opinion of the existence of unicorns change if you saw one? Of course it would. How couldn't it? What if seeing and being was all in the mind? If you believed in something hard enough inevitably it will come into realization in one way or another. Like the recent studies done on people being able to smell colors (synesthesia). Just a few years ago scientists were sure that these claims were nothing more then people looking for attention, but know it is a study all in its own. I would hate to think of a world where imagination and reality do not intertwine. For our sake people will keep experiencing phenomenons and life experiences worth writing down. I would continue with mine but I believe some things are left better unsaid. Just let your mind take you to the end of my story. I'll give you the ending...They all "live" happily ever after.

~Nicko

Don't let grammar hold you back. Who says there is a right way to right a sentence? Keep your pencil moving.

On a personal note...I told Benji I will not be meeting him after all. It seems I have discovered something about him that I missed at first glance. He doesn't love me.

***********Edit

It seems as if "God" has played another clever trick on me. I seem to be distanced from those I confied in. I do not like this situation. I have been trapped here for long enough and to quote D, "I am tired of painting a smile on my face".

I have finally mixed the colors

Deep, dark, and comforting

All that is left is to apply

Push hard.

Why can't anyone ever just commiserate with me. Tell me that I am shit and that things aren't going to get better. I would like to hear the truth for once.

Edited***************11:57

NO! I refuse! I will not go all emo. I am better now. I just have to remember that it's all in the way you see things. Thanks for the support Super Chika <3