Future_Artist08's Xanga

Friday, May 16, 2008

Fri, 16 May 2008 18:33:51 GMT

High School Graduation Today, and I'm Graduation!!! Wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 17:22:36 GMT

Last night I was watching a T.V show called, "INTERVENTION," and it was an episode about two identical twin girls, and one of the twins had anorexia. This girl was so THIN!!! She was 5'8" and 95lbs. She looked like a skeleton, it was aweful! I found this episode scary but true, a little triggering but interesting. I think watching this show made me think twice about what I am doing to myself, and how I don't want to go back down the road to the E.D. I don't want to get as bad as I was. I remember when I was 85 pounds, and was scared to go to sleep at night, everynight because I was scared I would die in my sleep, that my body would just shut down completely. I don't want to be like that again.

Also, after seeing this show, it made me realize that I am stronger than the E.D, and that I have control of it right now, otherwise I would've been 85pounds by now if I really wanted to listen to the E.D. Everytime I think about being 85 pounds again, the first thought that pops in my head is my bones. I already have Osteoporosis, but because I am young I can stop it from getting worse. When I feel like losing so much weight, I think to myself, "I can't lose a ton of weight anymore because if I do my bones will just get worse, and If I stop eating completely I will lose all the fat, but after losing all the fat from my body, my body will start sucking away my muscles, and I don't want that to happen because I don't want to be a hunch back at age 20. So, I need to eat healthy everyday for me, my health, and my bones.

Overall, I thought the show was a learning experience. I really got alot out of it. Has anyone else seen the show INTERVENTION, and the episode with the twin girls, and one of them has an E.D?

Much Love To All- Kari XoXoXo

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sat, 10 May 2008 17:03:49 GMT

My appt. with Dr. LaHaise yesterday went really well ! We covered alot of things, mostly dealing with graduation next Friday the 16th. She really said some helpful and encouraging things to me to make me feel alittle more comfortable with the idea of graduating. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

The whole time Dr. LaHaise was talking, I kept thinking, "Is she pregnant? She really looks pregnant. Or is is just the shirt she is wearing? She can't be pregnant because she at least looks like she is 40yrs old." LOL!!! Sure enough, she came out and said she is expecting and is due August 1st, and that she would be out of the office for a couple of weeks starting in Aug. She said she is really excited because her and her husband have been trying to have kids for awhile now, but just couldn't seem to get pregnant. But, now she finally was able to get pregnant.

At the end of my appt. she weighed me and I ended up losing 2 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am now 107lbs. I know it's only 2 pounds lost, but it's better than nothing, right? LOL!!!

So, overall, my appt. went really well !

I emailed my Art teacher about if we can keep in touch after I graduate. She said we can definitely do that . I'm happy that she actually wants to stay in touch with me. I thought forsure she wouldn't want to because I'm a handful to deal with. LOL!!! But, no, she said she would love to keep in touch, which makes me feel good because she is a good person to talk to, and she has always been there for me when I needed her the most. And, it would just be hard to say goodbye to someone like that, and never see or hear from them again.

On May 22nd, I am taking an acuplacrer test at Northland Community and Techincal College in East Grand Forks, MN. I'm still not sure whether I want to go to college or not , but I am just going to take the test anyways because my teachers, and my family wants me to.

Much Love To All - Kari XoXoXoXo

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:31:49 GMT

Next Friday (16th) is graduation day. I'm really not looking forward to it. I wish next Friday would never come. I wish I could just stay in high school my whole life, where it is safe. I'm scared of living on my own and having to pay bills. I'm scared of change. I'm scared to leave everything I've known for 12 years behind. I feel like I am not good at anything, and everything I do, I will end up failing at. I feel like I am not capable of making it in life. I DON'T WANT TO GRADUATE!!!

This Friday, I have an appointment with Dr. LaHaise my Psychologist. I wasn't planning on going anymore, but I thought it would be a good idea if I saw her before I graduate, so that I could get out everything I'm feeling and fearing about graduation. I'm really looking forward to my apt. with her! I really hope she has some helpful advice and words for me.

Here are some new pictures of myself, and pictures from prom:

Much Love To All -Kari XoXoXo

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 08:56:07 GMT

I HATE MY CURVES!!!!! I want them GONE NOW!!! I just want to take a fucking knife and cut them off done to the bone. I know women are suppose to have curves. That's how we are built. But I DON'T want them! I want them GONE!!! I feel so FAT and DISGUSTING!!!

19 DAYS UNTIL MY LIFE ENDS!!!

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:23:53 GMT

High school graduation is in 19 days (May 16th). I am NOT looking forward to it! I am scared shittless, as I mentioned before. I feel like I'm not capable of making it as anything in life, and I'm not capable of making it on my own. I got excepted at Northland Tech in East Side, Grade Forks ND, but I don't know if I want to go or not, because I don't think I am college material. I wouldn't last 5 minutes in college. I don't know what I'm going to do. I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP!!!!!

I've been having thoughts about overdosing on pills, so that I won't have to deal with life and all the stress that goes along with living. I have nothing going for me anyways, and it's not like anyone would notice, or even care if I was gone. I feel so alone and hopeless.

DEPRESSED

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 21:29:11 GMT

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:53:06 GMT

Look into my life and see all of my pain.

Clouds cover my soul and continue to dump rain.

Rain comes pouring down, and drowns me in my hurt.

I pound my silk-lined box, as they cover it in dirt.

Death appears a pleasure, a way of leaving here.

Please don't cry for me, don't wipe away my tear.

For in my silken box, peace I will finally find.

An enternity of stillness, a solace for my mind.

My life was not worth living, you are not to blame.

Please forgive my heartache, In your heart, I'll always be the same.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What good is wishing when you have nothing to wish for?

What good is wishing when you don't want to live anymore?

What good is wishing when all you want to do is end your life?

What good is wishing when you want to stab yourself with a knife?

What good is wishing when no one cares?

What good is wishing when your heart tears?

What good is wishing when no one loves you?

What good is wishing when no one cares what you do?

What good is wishing once you are dead?

What good is wishing when all you see is red?

What good is wishing when you want to die?

It is no good, so I say Good-Bye!

I'M SO PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:33:20 GMT

Ok, so I decided I don't want to go to prom with a date anymore, I just want to go by myself. So, I told Adam, (who was my prom date) that I just wanted to go alone. When I told Adam that, my used-to-be friend Sami quickly asked him if he'd go with her. That really PISSES ME OFF!!! I don't know why I am so pissed because I'm not going with Adam anymore to prom, but I still like him, and just the fact that someone who used to be my friend would do that to me, even though she isn't my friend anymore. You know? It really irritates the hell out of me!!!

I have a doctors apt. on Friday to get my meds adjusted because I've been feeling depressed and suicidal. My mom is coming with me as well, and she is going to ask my Psychiatrist (Deb) if there is a medication that I can just take for awhile, that will help make me feel calm and relaxed these next few weeks because graduation is coming up on May 16th, and I am going to be a complete psycho freak! LOL!!! I'm going to be so stressed out, it's not even funny. So, hopefully there is something I can take that will make me calm and relaxed, as well as numb inside so I don't feel anything. That would be nice!

I really want to end my life, but the thing is, I am Catholic and believe that there is a Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory (Sorry if I misspelled that, LOL!!!). When I die, I want to go to Heaven because I believe Heaven is a place where dreams come true, a place where there is no stress, a place where everyone eccepts you for who you are, and a place where happiness is all you feel. If I kill myself, that would be a sin because I took my own life, and God is the only one who should decide when it is your time to go. So, if I was to kill myself, I would end up in Hell because I committed a huge sin. BUT, what if I were to go confess to a priest that I was sorry, and that I was going to take my own life, before I actually do it? Would God forgive me, even if I confessed something that I didn't do yet, but going to do? I don't know.

Not much else to talk about. My life is pretty boring. LOL!!!

Much Love - Kari XoXoXo

LONG DEPRESSING POST!!!!

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:54:55 GMT

I keep having these visions where I kill myself by hanging myself on the town bridge. I keep seeing myself jumping off the bridge, with a noose around my neck, and I am dangling from the bridge by my neck. The urge to to this is really strong at times, it scares me. There are times when I can deal with it, but there are times, like now where it just sounds so tempting because life is so hard and stressful, and it would be easier to end my life now so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. I can just put myself out of my misery. I wish I could just go to sleep at night and not wake up ever again. Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back, and never moving forward so there'd never be a past.

Honestly, I think that I will end up killing myself, and by doing that I will hang myself, if not now, in the future. Hanging myself would be quick and easy. I honesly think that this is how I am going to leave this world. I honesly do believe that I will end up killing myself one day.

NEARLY UNNOTICED: By Unknown

She is lonely.

Even though you can't tell, she is reaching out

For what, she doesn't know.

She will continue to sit in silence, and hope that someone may stumble across

Her and all her unhappiness.

But they only hope they do it in time otherwise, she will have drifted too far

And she may let go of whatever grasp of the world she has.

As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone

Nearly unnoticed.

ALONE AGAIN: By Unknown

Four o'clock in the morning afraid to open my eyes

Another day of grief, a day of fear.

All alone I feel.

I try to justify all the pain, all of this guilt before my eyes.

Another day confusion, a day of wondering,

Is it ever just going to go away? All this pain that I feel,

And all this anger, is is going to stay?

Ten o'clock in the evening, afraid of the nightmares.

Again my breathing stops. All I can do is stare into the night.

What is it that causes this feeling?

Another night of crying, a night of hiding.

Alone once again. My heart feels empty, and I can't cry another tear.

Another day wasted on insecurity.

A day of wondering, Is this ever going to end?

REMEMBRANCE: By Unknown

She remembers it all, all the people who had said

They cared, but did they really?

She remembers it all, the sounds of laughter and

How happy she'd been, but was she really?

She remembers it all, his arms around her and

He said, "I love you," but did he really?

She remembers it all,the pain she'd felt when he left.

How her heart ached, but did it really?

She remembers it all, the feeling of being so alone,

The feeling no one cared, but did they really?

But now they'll remember her, staring at the knife in her hand

How easy to slit her wrists, but will she really?