Trasition or transmission

I thought it was only a transmission but , I found out it is also a transition .

     These last few weeks have been incredibly hard !! Dec 29 , my transmission went out in my car . It is an '094 . It would cost more to fix the car than the car is worth, which is around $ 2,000.Begging for ride is the worst !!! I don't have the means for a new car.

     My Mom has been complaining about her side hurting for a couple of months. The doctors could not find anything wrong. It reminds me so much Gilda Radner's story. A friend has her autobiography. I listened to it years ago. I can still hear Gilda's  words "Doctor after doctor could not find out what was wrong with me "

     My Mama is dyslexic. She grew up in a period in which it was not even recognized or treated . My mother was told she was stupid. Her father walked out of the family when she was 9 months old. Her brother was one and a half . This was before there were agencies to help my Grandmother. They grew up in poverty. My mothers words haunt my soul. She and my uncle had to sit in the "cloak closet because we couldn't learn and did not have paper "

             That teacher will have A Day of Reckoning.

     My Grandmother died form complications from diabetes . My Mama is also a diabetic. .

     One of the tests results said that she had cancer in her liver. They performed a biopsy but did not find cancer but they informed my Mom that she has Cirrhosis !!

    My Mom is Southern Baptist , she has not had a drop of liquor to drink in her life!!!! My father has drunk all of his life. It's just not fair!!!!

     Then the place that I have been a faithful volunteer for 5 years asked me to clean out my office for the 6 paid volunteers that will be starting next week. If you get paid, you AIN"T a volunteer !!!

       They only need me once a week now.

    It's been a painful few weeks. I am working hard to keep a positive attitude !!  

The Slinky

 Christmas 2007 was better than I had hoped. These last

few years have really been hard. It's still hard, but I have

been working on being THANKFUL and I truly believe that

it has made all of the difference!!

    My parents picked me up Monday so I could go home

for Christmas. I only live an hour away but, my

transmission is on it's last leg. I am always anxious around

my father. He has an explosive temper. He has broken

me. He generally doesn't acknowledge my presence. I

worry will I have guilt if he dies. I have to remind myself

that I cannot change him, I can't even change the

relationship. I can only work on my responses.

     I was greeted at the door by my terrier mix Barbara.

She has been with them for the past two years. I miss her

so !! 

     It was quite at home, my father will not engage in 

conservation with me.

    I was up bright and early for the 20 minute drive to my

sister's. We have to see the kids open their presents. It is

a great joy for me to see the look on their faces as they

open their presents. I went out and got in my father's

truck for the ride over there. He always drives separately.

He has never left his terrible two's. Well, I sat there and

he didn't come to the truck. Mother said he had a

headache and would come later. Yeah Right ! Christmas

can be a dilemma with him. Some years he doesn't

open my presents. Some years, I don't buy him anything.

     At my sister's I was greeted at the door by my 5 year

old niece. She said I needed to hurry to see her open her

presents. She also asked me to fix her slinky that her

father had given her the day before. She had thought

she could wear it as a bracelet. My it was tangled up!

  My niece , really looks like the little mermaid. Her

Mommy does two. Her brother, also has red hair. There

were no redheads in the family until my sister came

along. Now, they are taking over!

   My sweet little niece, who recently turned five , adores

her mommy. She wears her earrings, etc. Well, for the last

couple of months, she has been asking for a bra. I know,

but her little mind is set on getting one. She has resigned

herself to wearing a bikini top under her clothes. I

remember when I was a little boy how I wanted to shave.

Now, I consider it a necessary evil. She was so excited

to open her presents. My sister, had gotten her some

clothes. when she opened one of the boxes, she

exclaimed with glee, "Mamma a bra !" My sister had to

inform her that they were " sleep shirts " They looked like

little tank tops. To think, the time that I spent buying her

toys that I thought she would like, only to realize that I 

could have made her Christmas by buying her a bra. I

just don't know where to find a bra for a five year old.

     I continued trying to untangle the slinky.

   My thirteen year old nephew was definitely in a better

mood than last year!!  His father, who had walked out on

them had only been gone a couple of months when

Christmas came last year. My nephew cried bitterly when

he left. He was one of the minister's at their church. He 

had affairs the whole 15 years they were married. She

would have never believed me !!

    I gave my nephew the " major award" from A

Christmas Story. He laughed his head off!! It may look

gaudy, but it brought a smile to his face. Mission

accomplished!! His most favorite gift is a styrofoam 

helicopter my mom bought him. It cost nothing but got

his mind off his troubles. I am happy to see him so

bubbly.

     I continued to work on the slinky. I think she tried to

tie it around her arm so it would not fall off.

    I had given my father the dvd form the show  " Dirty

Jobs" with Mike Rowe. I think my father would really like

it. Later in the day, I asked him would he like to watch it.

He didn't want to. He did give me $ 20 .

   I continued to work on the slinky. I would challenge

all of these Rubik cube people to try to undo a slinky. I

have never been able to get a slinky to walk down steps

like the commercials. But, I was determined to fix her toy.

    It took forever to undo the slinky. It was warped. I could

not get it to go back in shape. It was bent up. I tried

sitting books on it. I would not go back to it's original

form. Then it hit me. The slinky is my family, and my

relationship with my father. I can't fix it. I can't bend it to 

the shape it was made. It is warped. I can't fix my

family. I CAN NOT make a relationship be what it should

be. I have to accept the things I cannot change, and I

pray for courage to change the things I can.

    Have a blessed and happy New Year !!!

Century Gothic    

O HOLY NIGHT......

   I pray for each of you that you will  have a Peaceful, Blessed

and Joyous Christmas !!!

    Follow the Star.........

Colonna MT

IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE !!

One of my friends gave me a beautiful Ponderosa Pine for Christmas .

     It is really cute . The tree is 19" tall and is decorated with purple

and green bulbs. I LOVE plants ! It actually can be divided into three

trees after Christmas.

             I have been in charge of decorating for Christmas for 5 years .

Last year , we hired a new employee that is a Jehovah Witness . My

boss went psycho . She didn't want me to put decorations anywhere

near her desk , which by the way is at the front door. I had to repack

the tree and carry it back to the attic. I realize that my friend is a

different faith than most of us here. However I learned in Government

in HS that my freedom ends where someone else's begins !!

     This coworker and I are the closest friends here. She may not

participate in Christmas activities , but this year , same as last year

she does not miss Christmas sales. I know , because I carry her to

them ! She doesn't have a car .

     On Monday , I brought my beautiful tree to work and sat it on our

display table. It wasn't 10 minutes before I was called into her office .

    You may have guessed it , this year , we have a new employee who

is Jewish . O.K. , I haven't hung any garland this year , I didn't bring

any of my brass animals to display; I didn't even hang any bulbs from

the window. I will happily place a Menorah for display if I had one.

When my boss had me carry my Christmas tree to my desk, I  thought

I would CROAK!!

    I asked why the vase with the branches was able to remain on the

conference table. She replied that it is tree branches not a Christmas

tree ; there are no bulbs on it . UGGGGHHHHHH !!!

    I asked where should I  place the Christmas cards that we are

receiving daily. She said the are holiday cards and for me to stack

them on the table. Believe me, I didn't want the responsibility of

putting up Christmas decorations. I do NOT have a talent for design.

      But, it is CHRISTMAS . The time of year that the world celebrates

the gift of the Messiah! The one who saves us from our sins!!!

Immanuel; God with us.

     I work out MY own salvation with fear and trembling. I do not

expect Anyone to believe exactly as I do. I recognize the beauty of

diversity. Just don't try to take MY beliefs from me !!

      This afternoon, my boss said I could put my tree back on the

display table. I wish I owned a Menorah. I do not expect my pal

who is a Jehovah Witness to bow when she passes the display table.

You know the table, the one with the C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S tree! 

Passages

Today has been a day marked with sadness . One of my best friends called me early this morning to tell me that

her neice's baby died in the night . The baby was a week old . The Drs operated on the baby for eight hours

yesterday . His heart was not fully developed .

     I have to admit that I was angry with the mother . It was her 4th illigitimate in twelve years . All of the babies

have different fathers . NONE of the father's were EVER held accountable for their children . The mother hasn't

raised any of the children . The previous child is now 4 . She just passes them on to other family members . I am

very sorry that the infant died . My hope is that he did not suffer .

         This afternoon my pastor's wife died . I am very sorry . I called my pastor to tell him I am sorry . I am

at least proud of the fact that I reached out to them  to tell them someone cares . My pastor sounded O.K.

I guess at this point , he is at a cross between shock & relief . It is not an easy thing to watch a loved one die .