Confessions.  I know - I haven't written in awhile and I'm sorry.  I've been doing so much of nothing the past week and a half that I just haven't had time to write (no joke). 

I came home the day after the Voyager finale because I literally had nothing left in Berkeley; not only did that show end, but all of my friends had left, and I was all alone in my apartment because my roommates had left as well.  Since being home my emotional state has degenerated by leaps and bounds.  I'm not entirely sure if this is a direct result of actually being home, though, because before I came back I was really looking forward to coming.  And, indeed, there are some nice things about being here with my mother and friends again.  However, there are many depressing aspects about being home as well - my mother's condition, fights with my brother, an awful confrontation with Chrissy just to name a few.  These things, coupled with my miserable and pathetic showing in school this semester and the constant feeling that I have no future, have pushed me to the point where I can no longer get out of bed.

It took so much motivation for me to start researching therapy options today.  For two weeks I've been slowly building up the motivation and today I finally tried to take the first steps to getting regular individual therapy.  (For those just tuning in, I did go to therapy for seven weeks at my University's Health Services, but they only allow seven sessions per year and by the end of mine we had just barely come up with a diagnosis.)  I've been hoping that maybe I can slowly start making myself feel better with therapy during these next few months and return to school in September in much better shape.  However, my hopes were dashed when I discovered that my parent's medical insurance doesn't cover therapy sessions unless you've been a patient in a mental hospital and are being treated after being released.

The one option left for me is to get counseling at a Gay/Lesbian organization called the Pacific Center in Berkeley.  The only problem with this option is that they are so booked that I won't be able to get in for a couple of months.  By then school is going to start and I'm going to be in the same state I was just a few weeks ago.  I really need a bit of good luck right now, because I don't know what else to do except lie down and not get out of bed.

I took the Pacific Center's telephone screening anyway, even though they're booked.  The woman on the phone asked several questions about previous counselors I've seen and my medical state in general.  She asked me if I ever thought about suicide and I admitted to her that I do.  It was the first time that I had ever told anyone that, and it felt quite weird saying it out loud because usually those thoughts only stay in my mind.  Then she asked me questions like, "Do you have a specific plan to do it?" and, "How would you do it?" and, "What would cause you to do it?"  I answered all of her questions honestly.  But for some reason I feel very dishonest and ashamed anyway.  I wish I knew why.

To Boldly Go...  I haven't written in a week or so; sorry.  I've been busy wrapping up all my affairs so I can hurry up and get out of Berkeley.  But rather than update you on what's been going on this week, I'll tell you how I'm feeling right now.

Star Trek: Voyager ended tonight.  It was a show that was very important to me and I'll miss it dearly.  Seven years ago, when I was in eighth grade, I remember sitting down to tape the first episode of the series when it debuted; I was so excited.  Since then I've watched every week and have taped nearly every episode.  Tonight, with most of my friends around me in a little party I organized, I taped the last one with the same VCR I used to tape the first.  That puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

So much of my life ran alongside that show.  I know it sounds stupid, but it was very important to me and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to now, no future ahead.  I feel like a huge chunk of me died tonight.  I feel as if I have no idea what to do next, and that's a scary feeling.  What do I do now?  Tonight I'm sitting here desperately lonely.  I'm even afraid to go to sleep.  What do I do now?

I know how silly this sounds.  A new Star Trek series, Enterprise, is starting in Fall.  I'm going home for the summer.  I may take a class or two.  Who knows?  But that's the problem.  I don't know what to do now.  I'm not saying I ever really knew my purpose; however, now I feel as if I've lost my purpose.  Whatever it was, it must've had to do with what ended tonight.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I really despise endings.  Everything seems to end, and I can't handle that.  I don't want things to end.  Why can't I have something in my life that's always going to be there, always going to be continuous?  I think, perhaps, I may have searched for some of that continuity with Janeway and her illustrious crew.  But now that's gone.  What now?  Why can't I be granted the gift of something permanent in my life?  I don't think I can survive without that.

Odds and Ends.  I know it's been awhile since I've written and I apologize.  The days have been going by at such an incredible speed that I can hardly believe it.  There's only five days left to go before I'm finally done with this miserable semester; I'm very elated that it's almost over.  However, I still have a fair bit of work to do, a fair bit of studying.  The computer fiasco hasn't helped one bit.

I finally got my computer up-and-running again Thursday night after many frustrating hours of reinstalling programs.  However, I found out that it was much to late to turn in that paper that was destroyed by my hard drive, so I'm obviously going to fail the class.  Although I feel like a miserable failure, I'm at the point where I don't care anymore.  I just really need this semester to end.  But it's not just school that's weighing me down.  I think it's just the general stress of all the aspects of my life.  I need to find a way to get rid of this stress.

I fled Berkeley and came home for the weekend; I'll be going back to Berkeley on Monday to study for my finals which are on Tuesday and Wednesday and then I'll be done.  But I'll probably hang around Berkeley for another week or so in order to recover from the semester and in order to say goodbye to friends who are leaving for the summer.  But I'm going to enjoy this weekend home.  I'm going to use this weekend to mentally prepare myself for finals so I can get through them without going insane.  Please wish me luck.

That's all for now.  I promise I'll write more later though. :-)

Stress, stress, stress.  I don't have time to write long as I'm currently not on my computer.  Two days ago my computer suffered severe damage and I was forced to wipe the hard drive.  However, because my reformatting disc was damaged, I don't be able to use my computer for several days until the new disc I ordered gets here.

What sucks is that my English paper (due at 4pm this past Monday) was on my computer as were my compositions for my language class.  Now they're all gone.  Poof.  So the stress is mounting.  Luckily my breakdown yesterday during my language oral exam caused my teacher to take pity on me and she gave me an extension on the compositions.  I still have no idea what I'm going to do about the English paper though.  I'm quite freaked out.

There'll be more when I have a computer again.  Wish me luck.