Wow, those twenty days went fast...he has been gone nearly two days now and I have decided I can easily manage the 12 days till I see him next. Yes, only 12, as I am going to visit him and meet his family. I can certainly go that long without his company, but that does not mean I won't be super happy to see him the monday after next :)

Pedro aside, my training for the 10km is going fantastically. Thats excluding today, in which I felt like the unfittest person in the world. I could hardly breathe, let alone make it around the field even once at a steady jog. Fortunately I kept running despite my feeling of dyingness, and certainty that such a feeling would ensure I'd never run again. Training for this run has been absolutely amazing. Already (bar today) I feel so much fitter, more toned, and feeling happier and much less moody.

Also work has been enthralling. So much variety and every day meeting new people and reaquainting with new friends. I've been forced to stop this weird obsessive behaviour I was getting into, which involved irrational thoughts and a lot of self-doubts.

At last it has been sunnier weather, which is wonderful to behold. I got a little sunburnt yesterday (naughty) because I lay in the sun for an excessive amount of time reading a fascinating book, called Bones of Contention. It is by Paul Chambers and it details the hooha over the most controversial fossil of all time, the Archaeopteryx.

Love Gaby xox

Tomorrow it is 20 days until he leaves. I tell myself I can handle his being away for a month, I tell him I won't miss him, or maybe just a tiny bit. But the truth is, I am a smitten kitten. I wish this were not true. Tomorrow I start my new job, so with any luck there will be a completely hot, sexy, manly barman who loves to flirt working there. Not so I can date him, or get in there or anything like that! Not even so that I can like him. But just so I can be reminded that there are plenty of hot guys out there. That there are plenty of fish in the sea, far better than the ones that ever came out.

I had to do a lot of exercise today, because I'm not seeing him till saturday, and I'm angry that he didn't respond to my message which I sent last night. He responded a whole day later, so I'm refusing to message him back. I hate playing these games, but I think he needs some training, right at the start. I guess its a bit unfair. He doesn't get cellphone reception at his house. But when I sent the message he wasn't at his house so he should have responded then. I know this sounds remarkably silly, but I have so many girlfriends who message their boys all the time, and the boys are slack, and don't reply, and never initiate messaging, and I don't want that. I like lots of messages, so I know I'm being thought of. And I need to know now rather than later if he can be trained. He's pretty good, he initiates messages practically every day :) With just a little work, he could be an almost perfect boy when it comes to messaging.

I have had to confess, after Hamilton made me, that changing a guy is a good idea and every girl wants to do it. Or if they don't, they should. Now I know guys might protest at that, but it is actually good for them to be trained. The girl knows what is best, and in the long and short term it will prove useful. When a girl trains a guy to be a good boyfriend, she is benefiting, and then he benefits because she is happy with him ( a successful project), and then he benefits again when he eventually is single and goes out with other girls, who appreciate this excellent specimen. A girl who trains a guy is really doing herself and all future girlfriends of the guy a huge favour. Really.

I'm only sorry I never trained Alex. Not one bit. I was so busy telling myself that girls don't really want to change a guy, at least not all of them, that I passed up a really good project. Alex had so much room for improvement. I suppose I rather regret that I missed that opportunity. I could have had him lose the nerdy glasses, wear some slightly less geeky clothes (ok, he was getting better) and lose that raincoat that looks like it would be worn by a 12 year old girl, in 1990. Yes, there was a lot of potential there, and I missed it. But really, if I'm honest, I didn't actually give a darn about his geeky appearance. When I was going out with him, I thought he was just fine the way he was. Of course now I see he's geeky again, but I guess when you're dating someone, wanting something to work, you look past that kind of thing. I sure did.

I reallllly want to stop this going out with Pedro because he's going away for a month and I'm a liar if I say I won't miss him. A whole month. Maybe even five weeks. But missing him isn't really a reason to break up? Ohhhhhh but it is! And there's no way I'm sleeping with him before he goes, so if he thinks he's bedding me this weekend he's got another think coming. Well, I'll be in bed with him, but the hanky panky can begin upon his return. Well, the real hanky panky can begin upon his return. There's no way I'm going to get the taste for that again and then be deprived for a month. It was the harder part of breaking up with Alex, and now that I'm doing quite nicely, not thinking about friskiness all the time, I think I'll go on doing quite nicely, and then do Pedro when he returns.

Twenty days in which not to do him :) Peice of cake.

Love Gaby xox

Heyyy :)

Have been job hunting, its crazy crazy times. I'm job hunting on two different levels...summer job hunting in hospitality...I've kind of accepted several different jobs in that arena now :) Should be interesting when I come to start working after all my tests are finished. And then I'm doing other job hunting...serious job hunting. Further my career job hunting, which is even more exciting, and even more fun, and which involves the jobs I want so much.

My very dear professor gave me several jobs to call about today. But as Ive been to four job interviews in the past 24 hours I'm kinda employment searched out. But these are reallll jobs and I want to be hired :)

And, as always, I'm thinking of Pedro. I don't know when he's leaving, and I can't even begin to think of what to say to him. I'm trying to focus on study, on the tests I have approaching. Does he still feel like he did two weeks ago? Did I scare him off by not jumping at the chance to be with him? Of course, I want to be with him so much, but he'll be away for four months and he's such a dear friend, how could I decide right then? Without even knowing if he would leave or stay?

I should think harder about such a new beginning when we are closer than ever to being apart. Or perhaps our feelings are stronger than any entrance or exit and will not come too late?

Its hard to know :)

Love Gaby xox

Another field trip today. Three vans, and who do I end up in one with? None other than Alex. It wasn't so bad...I guess. At least not at first. Our professor Joao was driving, and also in the car were Halturen, Sintia, Stefania, Cifra and Mario. I was sitting next to Stefania, and all was going ok, until she started talking about how annoying Herlon was being. Then Cifra says loudly "How about those In-class relationships gone wrong!" Then Stefania looked at me, clearly being totally blonde and forgetting that Alex was right behind her, and said "You should know about that!" and I kinda elbowed her, and it was too late because Cifra had overheard, and she said "Yeah, you should, with your whole thing with Hamilton!" Hamilton looks like Alex, and they're friends, so she had obviously got them confused. No-one else had though, and an awkward kind of hush fell upon the van, and Stefania said "Hamilton? Don't you mean -?" And then Cifra said "Oh right, that guy right behind you!" I managed to say "Yeah, where did you get Hamilton from?" and Cifra laughed and there was some more awkwardness. Then she said "Oh, look at Alex. He's all like 'I'm not listening, I'm not listening, but I really really am!'  It was just such a big fat mess. Cifra and Stefania got so caught up in talking about class couples gone wrong they forgot the couple they were talking about was right there in the van. And not even half of the couple, but both of us. Right there. Truly, rather a sick moment.

And you know what the worst part is? I'm sure everyone thinks that I want Alex back. Or at least that Alex thinks I want him back. That I still like him. But nothing could be further from the truth. Apart from how good he smells, I don't see what I was sucked in by. And then I think about how geeky he is, and how I dislike him, and how selfish he is. Then he says something stupid and Alex like, and people laugh, and I think to myself 'Imagine, just imagine, if they actually like him  more than you.' That really gets me. That my fab-tastic and wonderful, cool class friends could actually prefer Alex to me. And I think Maybe he is nerdy, but maybe I am even worse.  It really makes me mad. Because I have never quite possessed that wondrous trait that some have of being completely comfortable in their own skin. Almost all the girls in my class have it. Stefania, Sintia, Cifra, they certainly all do. But I - I've never been quite that comfortable. I hold back a little. I don't put it all out there, and I wish that I could. I tell myself, Surely, surely they like you better than Alex. You are sweet and pretty and friendly, and you like them and care about them. But then I remember they don't know Alex. They know the smart, rather geeky guy who says funny stuff. They don't know that he is, although fun sometimes, so so so incredibly selfish. And he's still at the emotional age of a 15 year old, and he is so influenced by his 'stoner friends' and he believes that being right is the most important thing in the world. I guess they know that last thing. And I guess they see his arrogance. But they just see it as being funny. I think they see it as a bit of a hoot.

But ohhh golly how he annoys me. And I thought I was over all of this, I really did. Until these two field trips he has just been pissing me off. I've found myself desiring him friendless and dejected. Wishing that everyone who cares about him would see him for the selfish emotionally bankrupt little monster that he is. And I hate feeling this way. I thought I had let the whole thing go and all these feelings come up. All this 'Oh god, why did I go there? WHY WHY WHY???' And it doesn't even matter because in a week, I won't even have to see him again, bar the final tests. I'll be free. I just wish I didn't have to see him again - starting now. I wish he was not friends with Hamilton, not seeing Hamilton more than me. Hamilton is beautiful and deserves to be friends with people who care about him. I just get this horrible feeling in my gut when I think about Alex, and I want horrible bad things to happen to him. I hate thinking that he might think I want him. I reallllly don't. I like Pedro, I've liked Pedro for the last five months. I wanted to be with Alex for about two months and then I just liked having a boyfriend and the benefits. But he is such a rat. No, he's not even a rat, he's just a scared little mouse. I wish I didn't have to see him again - ever.

I wish none of this was having any effect on me.

I really want to cry.

I think part of it is the huge assignment I have to do tomorrow.

I really need this week to be over. I want to be at the dinner, looking stunning.

How do you ever get to be truly comfortable with yourself? If you don't start out that way, is there any hope? I've come so far but I've got so far to go.

Love Gabriela xox