Made no money tonight.

    I kept saying I was going to quit and then I interviewed for that other job and couldn't get it because of my vacation and now that I'm back from vacation, I've been slowly convincing myself that maybe this job isn't so bad.

    But, of course, it is bad. I used to love the job, and really, I do like what I do, and I like the people I work closely with, but management is getting worse and the general staff is getting worse and business is slow. And the thing is, now gas is going down, and business is getting a little better, but the tips aren't. Every day I'm just getting stiffed and stiffed and stiffed and even if I end up with okay money, I have to wonder why I'm doing a lot of work and making 60-70% of what I would have made a year ago. Winter is coming, meaning we'll be busier but there will be more staff on and I'll be splitting my money more ways, and also meaning I'll be driving an hour in the snow and ice. I don't want to do it, I can't keep going there for no money. At this point I'm there because I'm comfortable.

    I checked the website for the insurance company I interviewed with before, and it looks like they have training classes starting the second and third week of October, so I think I'll call them tomorrow and see if I can get another interview or a job or something. This would also be perfect because John and I are planning to meet in Pittsburgh during the first weekend of October, a thurs-sun trip. I know that this job has extensive training and you cannot take any days off for months once you start. (But once you're out of training, there's three weeks paid vacation!) So I'm comforted by the start date because another thing making me procrastinate about getting a 9-5 is the fact that I didn't want to have to cancel or shorten this trip. This way I'd get to see John right before the job started and would probably be able to take a few days off by the next time we're able to see each other.

    Well, we'll see. I certainly got ahead of myself with this job last time, getting excited and then not getting it, so I should stop building it up and just wait 'til tomorrow.

    I feel better since the other day.

    As far as the banking- Though everything was continually said to be my fault, ultimately my $96 was refunded. And then, so was another $65, for some reason. So I wrote them an email alerting them to the problem (because I am ethical) but I had to word it awkwardly because I'm afraid I read something wrong and I don't want them to take the $96 back. But there are two seperate transactions for the two amounts, and they've both posted and been there for a few days, so I'm assuming there actually is extra money. I said something like "please confirm that my $96 has been deposited and let me know when the $65 is removed".

    Continuing on the topic of banking- I am now terrified to spend any money because of this whole fiasco. The bank I'm having the problem with is a pretty big bank in this area, and I've never had problems like this with them before. About a year ago, I started doing a lot of banking with ING Direct, because they have high interest savings and interest on checking. I LOVE ING. If a bank could be cool (which it can't), ING would be the cool bank. I really have never had any problems with them, everything is easy to use and easy to navigate, and if you do happen to overdraw your account, you have a small overdraft line of credit. If you deposit some money, there are no fees, and if you don't, after some amount of time (not sure how long, never had this happen) they charge you interest on the overdraft, comparable to credit card rates. The problem is, ING is only an online bank, so you have to an outside checking account. And the bank I have now is right down the mountain from my house, so I'm able to deposit my tips after work each night, something I find helpful. Also the bank has one of those free coin counter things. So I guess I'm staying with this bank for now, but I'm refusing to do anything through them except deposit cash and move it to ING. I've removed the account from paypal, from any site where I paid bills, and I moved the automatic payment for the goddamn car over to ING. Because seriously, I am over my bank.

    Wow those were two boring paragraphs.

    Today is the fourth day in a row of eating healthy-ish. I think I am getting back in the swing of Weight Watchers, realizing that there are things I like to eat that aren't horrible for me and that I can eat things I want, in moderation. I'm trying.

    Things are better with John. I was talking to him, last night, about printmaking and the possibility of owning a press one day. I suddenly had a feeling of loss, or grief, over the fact that I'm unsure when I'll ever be able to make prints again. This is not something I normally think about, and though, right now, I could say I love printmaking, I don't really have an emotional connection or response to the statement. But if I am talking to John, I can recall that love and the experience of printmaking. (I sound like some goddamn hippie.) When I get to actually physically be with John, I am much more observant of the people around me (as characters) and I spend more time sketching. I am only coming to this realization now, that when I am with John I am more of my ideal self than I am in my normal day. I think this has to do with the fact that I can discuss art or make art with John; I am comfortable with him and he understands art to be a normal (or necessary) thing. I think it's really quite hard to be a serious artist because outside of the art world, a lot of people don't really place any meaning or importance on art, or they don't understand what they're supposed to think or do with it. Does this make any sense? Probably not. But ultimately, I am more creative and more who I want to be when I'm with John, and that seems extremely important.

    Starting today, I am trying to see how long I can go without spending any money. This excludes gasoline. I also know that this week, I need razorblades, and I have to contribute $25 towards this dumb fucking work party that I got roped into. So let's see how far I go with nothing but those expenses.

    This entry is over. Also, I basically hate xanga and the fact that it's dying out, and I'm kind of wondering if I should shut this site down and move on. Plus, my entries have gone way downhill, man.