Mood:
Music: Coldplay - Lost?


If God exists, I wonder if the life I lead is one that would cause me to be in his favor. Now, there's a good chance your initial response might be a resounding "no" since, after all, I won't even acknowledge his existence, but I'd like to think that there's a chance that leading a (relatively) virtuous life is worth at least some cachet with the man upstairs -- you know, should he even exist.

I've been having a series of interesting conversations with my co-workers over the passed couple of weeks about how the decisions I make, and thus the actions I take, are not governed by the Golden Rule. How wanting or not wanting something to happen to me has no affect on what I might want or not want to happen. It comes off sounding a little evil, I know, and my stance here has proven to be quite controversial, but hear me out. Basically, what it boils down to is that I think that operating under the premise of fear is wrong. If the reason you do not murder is because you yourself would not want to be murdered, there is something wrong there. The reason not to do murder, or, if we were to widen focus, the reason not to do evil, should be innate. If you believe something to be wrong in the moral sense, then it is wrong, and you should act as such. People seem to be with me up to that point, but then I present them the inverse of that statement, and juxtapose it against religion, and for some reason it becomes so much tougher a sell.

Which is to say, if you believe something to be right, even if others might disagree, even if a great majority might disagree, I feel that you should still act as such. I am my own moral compass. Not the law, not religion, not fear. You guys know about the Milgram Experiment, right? Where the scientists had an actor pretend to be electrocuted by some test subjects in ever increasing voltages and the subjects just kept doing it, even unto "lethal" voltage levels, thinking the whole time it was real, so long as they were assured that they wouldn't be held responsible? That's the kind of thing that happens when you place your moral compass in the hands of someone or something else. When right and wrong is something someone tells you, not something that comes from within. That's why, when I think about how widespread religion is, I'm not comforted, as I suspect many of you are, but terrified. Terrified that so many people have given up their instincts and traded them in for laws and rules and codes written by men thousands of years ago, in the name of a God that no one will ever be able to prove exists. And these people will kill for this belief! Kill! Something almost universally forbidden in religion. That's scary. Not religion. Religion is just a chain-letter. Not Hell, or purgatory, or any of the other punishments these hacks cooked up which I supposedly have coming my way for not being a believer, but people.

Because that's what I believe in, that's what I know, is people. People in all their infinite stupidity.

Mood:
Music: Kanye West - All Falls Down


I'm not really sure how to start this entry, because no matter how carefully I tread I'm likely to make enemies, but fucked if I care at this point. The more and more I get to know attractive people, the less and less I like them. No, I'm not hating. It's just that, at least in my experiences, especially in my experiences, pretty people, like rich people, never had to develop the same skills that I did growing up POOR and UGLY. It makes me sick how easily most things come to those who have been genetically or financially blessed. When I think back to the girls I knew who got a car and a cotillion and then went off to college and had that paid for too, some of them with housing, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE IT.

My parents bought me jack shit in the grand scheme of things, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Because I learned things, important things, that these spoiled brats will never have the opportunity to. And it's given me drive, you know? It's taught me that if you want something you have to go out and get it and if you want to keep it then you have to earn it. It's not going to come to you. Some of my friends, almost all of which were some level of hooked up by their parents, are coming to learn this the hard way. Which is fine, it's not like I can say I learned every lesson I was supposed to when I was supposed to, but then I think about the privileged few who won't learn this lesson. Ever. Those who will have everything handed to them on a silver platter. And it makes me rage. Again, I'm not hating. It's not jealousy. It's frustration. Frustration at the level in which these people take things for granted and are either completely oblivious to, or completely unapologetic for.

And this isn't just about girls. God no. Guys too. When I think about how big an asshole loser my friend's ex is, it baffles me how they ever got together in the first place. Oh, that's right, he's rich and attractive! Never mind that he had a drug problem, an anger problem, and a child from ANOTHER woman. And my friend is so fantastic, like she could have done so much better but she fell for it, like they all fall for it, and it's just.. AHHHH! Why?! Why did you want that? It wouldn't bother me so much I guess if she'd since learned her lesson but she just hasn't. At all. She still goes after this same type of guy and when I think about how her mindset lines up with other women her age -- which, by the way, is the age range I need to be impressing -- it just makes me feel so defeated. Because they all want that. And I will never be that. I will never be the guy who hooks you with his smile and then keeps you with his wallet. I will never be the guy who shows no emotion so that on the rare occasion I do you love me for it. I will never be the guy with the prestigious family or who says all the right things or makes all the right moves.

All I'll ever be, can ever be, is the guy who grew up knowing what it was like to be a have-not, and still feels like he's playing catch-up with those who never even knew they got a head-start.

Mood:
Music: VIC, Soulja Boy - Get Silly


Got beat by a modified SRT-4 today. Those things can be pretty beastly, so there's no shame in the loss, but the interesting part is what happened after.

I'm waiting at a light when he speeds by, the sound of his blow off valve letting everyone around him know he's not one to be trifled with. Naturally, I want to play. The light seems to take forever, but when red finally gives way to green it seems that the car gods are on my side. Traffic is flowing smoothly and there are gaps for me to dart through and make gains. I'll catch that SRT-4 yet. I begin pulling up on his left side, a lane between us, and as soon as he sees me in his rear-view he signals over, then decides to stay put -- I'd already switched lanes to the one beside him. It seems like we both had the same thing in mind. We line up, he honks, 3, 2, 1..

We barely even hit 100 when the breaks come on. He'd won, convincingly, but I have fuel problems right now and I'm not running at 100%. After the race he pulls beside me and asks where I'm headed.

We take the next exit and head into some random hotel parking lot where we both draw our fair share of attention. We get out and exchange pleasantries and he just has nothing but compliments for me.


We talk cars for a little bit, asking each other about the mods we'd had done and he tells me about the local street racing scene.


He tells me he's been burned quite a bit by the cops already, even had his license revoked. Scary stuff, but I'm not planning on going too crazy with the racing, and the main thing I'm excited about is meeting up with more car enthusiasts. But it gets better. We exchange business cards and I find out he works for Big-O-Tires!


Wow, what an incredibly fun and fortuitous meeting that was. I can't wait to see where this leads.