Gewber's Xanga

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:52:31 GMT

For those of you that have myspace....here's mines if you're curious enough or well just bored out of your head to click on any link I put up. Fair warning though. There isn't much there. =P

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=1004419

Monday, November 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 18:49:25 GMT

Seeing as how my entries as of late were just drivels of crap no one really cares to read about I've decided to make some of my more colorful posts public once more. They're actual posts of what was on my mind at the time, not the nonsensical things that've been happening around me.

It's not the recent regurgitating piles of steaming dung that seem to ghost one another of recent and current events going on. I guess reading one of my friend's posts on their xanga about how some people write on xanga as more of a daily journal of happenings in the day instead of what's been on their mind was the catalyst for my course of action today. I never intended for this to be as craptastic as it's gotten in the months before. Lethargy got the best of me. Reading back on some of my posts, I was disgusted at some of the crap that was being placed on here by me. They weren't stimulating for me write, nor was it pleasant for me to read just now. That's exactly what those posts were. Hot steaming piles of dung. No one really wants to read what went on in the day. It's the same old shit.

Don't really know how long I'll leave those posts public. For now, just enjoy them or hate them. It's your take on things. Comments whether good or bad will be welcomed.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 17:09:33 GMT

Well, I didn't think I'd make another xanga entry again. Yet, here I am making one. I guess boredom's destination seems to always land me back here. Lots has happened since the last time I was here. At the moment, I'm in Lafayette, working for the company still. It's a good thing they're taking care of us after that hurricane that totally upturned everyone's lives. I'm just thankful my family's safe and I still have a jay oh bee. Sucks to start all over again, but I'll definitely make it.

As far as current events go. I got another car to replace the one that I lost to Katrina. Loving it at the moment. :P For those of you that talk to me on a regular basis you already know what kinda car it is. If you're not and still curious you'll just have to ask. :P One of the few joys I have lately of driving that lil beast around. Got a raise at work recently, which is always a good thing. :) Took a few trips out to Houston and Dallas in the past couple weeks to look at a few things.

Well, that's it for now. Till whenevers I feel like typing something again.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:48:09 GMT

What's the point with all this pragmatism we all try to get by with. We're all human, so to say, and have emotions which make us the most irrational creatures in the world. We say, we know, we planned our lives and futures ahead of us. Yet at times we ignore our plans and the things we've said we would act upon. Why is that? I find myself ignoring the things I know needs to be done. Why? I ask myself.

Some people say i'm sagacious. Am I really? I tend to believe the later that I'm just your blithering village idiot trying to get a friend to smile. I know what's needed to be done, yet here I am stuck in the same place in life where I've been for the past year or so. If you ask me, I lack any discernment for any probable passage of action to attain what it is I desire.

What do I desire? Honestly, I don't have the slightest notion where or what it is anymore. Veritably, there are a few things I know for sure I want. Although there is no inkling of thought that can push me within grasps of some of those things that I desire. The future is a milky cloud for me at the moment. At the least, I have a few things; not things, but conversations I look forward to each day with someone. Mayhap, I will find my motivation and ambitions once again within a propitous conversation.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 12:50:01 GMT

There's this myth going around that somehow we start over. We erase our mistakes, pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and begin afresh. It's not like that though. Not really. I mean sure, you can leave the vileness and the violence behind, you can reform and improve, but those things -- I don't dare call them demons, for to do so accedes to them too much power -- stay with you, like the faded stain that still marks that old shirt that you used to wear to school and haven't worn in like forever, but still refuse to throw away. It's the memory of crying into that stuffed animal when you came back from school that day and they acted as if it was somehow your fault even though it wasn't, dammit, or the guilt from the first time you were caught stealing, a red-faced and sweaty-palms sort of uncomfortable, like masturbation, but like masturbating with an awareness that the payoff isn't, cannot, arrive.

No-matter how axiomatic they made it seem, it's not about forgiving and forgetting at all -- the blood-tinged spectres are supposed to walk with us, peer creepily over our shoulders, for a good while yet. That's their job. They're not supposed to dissappear immediately, or even with time. We're not supposed to "get over it" like our well-meaning but misguided friends and relatives tell us. The clichés are suppressive pills only. They're no cure, and they don't make you a better person. All they do is make you an asshole with issues.

What matters is the acceptance and the absolution. Only. That's it. "Forgive and forget" is a piss-poor potion that's unhealthy for us because we can't help but try to swallow it literally. In telling us to repress the ghosts, it prophesizes on the ignorance-bliss equation, supposes that the precursor to the equivalence tradeoff can even be attained. Worse, it says that when that self-induced ignorance comes to fruition, we all eat fucking peaches.

Lies. The past that lives in your head is here to stay. From the time that asshat made fun of you in public, to the time you bullied that kid and tried to justify it to yourself even though you knew, and know now, that it was wrong wrong wrong, just like how it was wrong every time that they ever fucked with you because of the jeans you wore, or your hair, or your skin colour or the shape of your eyes. Or like the way that you try so hard never to think about the time you broke those things of hers, even though she loved you and only wanted for things to work out.

It's not about getting over shit. Remember those things. Remember them, and acknowledge your anger, your regret, your indecent apathy in 20/20 digital hindsight. But don't push them into that corner again, don't pick up the pen and stare at the paper and tell yourself that you're starting over, when all that's happening is that you're the one in the empty room, and the room is the paper, and denial the wall.

I don't care how much has changed, or how much is different: those moments, those actions, are a part of who you are now. It's only about seeing them for what they are, or were, and forgiving yourself for having been the person that was there watching and making it all happen. You were a different person then, but life ain't a series of fresh starts, sweetheart. It's a book that you wrote yourself and it's about damn time you acknowleged the role that the early chapters -- as grotesque as they were -- had to play on the story that unfolds now. It's your story, after all. You may as well be aware and fully awake to it all. Even the nasty bits.

It's not about beginnings. The only one there is a limit, and the point being approached is now. Continuity stares back from the mirror.

Don't you forget it.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 10:38:13 GMT

It is only on cool crisp nights like these, with the moonlight fallen from the southern sky and the frost alit on the hardened ground that I can hear your voice in the murmurings of the water, in the rustling of the wind through the trees as summer turns to fall and fall alludes to, in its silent, stalking way, the bitter chill of winter's touch.

There was a dream for us, a promise too, in that place of ours. There was a secret breathed as we twirled beneath the frozen blue star, the breeze as we turned making waves of tendrils of your hair across the luminescent paleness of your skin, like black, black water over porcelain, or whitest marble. Together, we swept to worlds of wonder and naïveté.

The contract is broken now, the gift revoked. And though I stumble through my days and nights, moving falteringly yet unceasingly forward, not a day passes that I do not think of you. It is true, I suppose, that a part of it is long gone, but still I wonder where you are, and how you fare, and whether you are happy in the new world that you have created for yourself, without me.

Thus it is only on sombre nights like these, with the darkness fallen on the western shore and the cool crisp waters alit on my murmuring heart that I see your face in every shadow, feel your caress in every stroke of the wind, and the future was good, and the promise strong.

I miss you always, but it is only on nights like these that I need you to know.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 15:02:23 GMT

Haha just something funny I stumbled across while surfing the web

Sex and the First Letter of Your Name.

-A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someonewho is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You arean up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts notobscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

-B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an statement of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your statement of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

-C- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

-D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

-E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

-F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

-G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

-H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a
commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before
the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and
dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a
sensual and patient lover.

-I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual statement. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

-J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your statement of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

-K- You are totally fucking marvelous! (and no! I didn't edit this entry...lol....I liked it and that's why I'm posting it...haha)

-L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

-M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

-N- You are crap in bed.

-O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

-P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

-Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

-R- Yow are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

-S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this past of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

-T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.

-U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

-V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills and suspense. The gay scene turns you on even though you yourself may not be a participant.

-W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

-X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

-Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

-Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Maybe more later........