thank you erica for your thoughtful words of encouragement. ... it's things like that, that bring me back to reality ... the reality i speak of ... is the one i've been living all along, in the righteous loving and forgiving hands of jesus christ. so for a while, i guess i wanted to do something[s] that made me feel like i needed God, because i accepted him as savior when i was a child ... a boy who's done nothing worse than disobeying my mom when she told me to clean my room. i never did anything so terribly sinful, even as a young adult. ... i don't truly believe i ever wanted to do anything really bad.
i guess i want to live my life, try my hand in a few things ... see where i can go, and what reasons i might have to go back to christ. because i know of a lot of people, who even after becoming "christian", they'd do things that they shouldn't be forgiven for. ... but i can't judge. i really don't want to go totally to the drak side, and "vader" my life ... i just wanted to be with a woman, see what i can get away with, see where the girl will let me go, and go on from there.
but i'm seeing things differently now. i know that god has something totally special for me, that i have wait patiently for her ... i can't go around looking for "quick fixes" and still expect god to supply my needs, when i'm out there ... supplying my own.

so if i have any interest in women ... [when i have interest in women ... who am i kidding ... i'm always going after women] ... my interest in god's will for my life takes over that ... i want what god has for me ... not what i can take for myself.

so a lot has happened since the last time i posted on xanga. i've been paying a lot of attention to my myspace page. ... i haven't noticed anyone paying much attention to their xangas ... so i guess the "Christ Tabernacle Xanga Craze" has dimmed. so it's not as much of a big deal as when it was started like ... 3 years ago.

anyway, back to what my point is. nothing is really the same anymore since i last posted. the holidays are over and the environment is different. my confidence is a bit increased, and my human desires of finding a mate have ... i guess, simmered. i'm not on that search anymore. i mean i am, but it's not that big. let me clarify.
since about august of last year [obviously], i've worked with this nice girl named sofie. when i first started, i'd be the one who opened the store, while she came in at 7 am. and this went on for a few days. when me and her got off at the same time, i'd offer to walk her to the bus stop [not knowing she took the same bus home as i do] ... so i would go on the bus with her, and have a polite chat during the ride.
i told her that i get off before her [since she lives on forest ave.], but asked her if it was alright to walk her home to her door. so while in front of her house [having a lot of laughs on our way there], we stayed and talked a lot.
i asked her out, and she said no. [she explained to me that there was a guy she liked, and she was "giving him a chance" to ask her out]. at that time, she only wanted to be my friend.
so that guy asked her out, a month later. and the next month, she was complaining about him ... "so jealous, not nice, no compassion" ... whatever.

needless to say, this always happened to me. all throughout grade school, girls would go to me with their relationship problems, [knowing that i like them], assuming i can handle their junk. [i'd always ask ... "why can't you be with me?" ... do those girls like being with jerks?
so i never assumed anything would happen. but i had fun joking with her ... asking her "when will you lose that guy and come away with me?" ... she'd say "very soon, i hate him", this went on for about a month. so around nov/dec ... she told me she's breaking up with him. i didn't believe her. i never really stopped flirting with her, and doing nice things for her ... she loved the gift i gave her for christmas [a bunch of photos from central park], and the poem. but that was just friendly stuff. me and her would have our backs and forths ... with laughs.
i would keep ask her out, even when she was going out with that other guy ... i wanted to be with her as a friend ... so she can get to know me ... her "no" turned to a "aye no, gary!" to a "i don't know" to a "maybe in january" ... when she officially broke it off with her b/f.

but i'm still not weighing too heavily on that. i'm letting it ride.

so the holidays are upon us ... a time of year we start listening to cheezzy songs and sing along like there is nothing wrong with us ... but there is ... joking

anyway ... we try our best to do in one month what should've done all year ... and that's be nice to others

we buy nice gifts for people we forgot in the months prior to this season of giving, and we soon forget them afterwards

but this year ... make a promise to yourselves that those you love ... you won't stop loving, and those who love you won't leave you

[happy holidays, from hess ... err, gary]

lol

it has been WAY TOO LONG since i last updated you on things through this page ... so let me give ya'll a re-cap!

first things' first ... i'm back at CT with no strings attached! ... i'm a member [operating member] of the road crew ... yes! to do heavy lifting and hard work! ... so i'll be doing that for a while until i get into the swing of things and get back with the production team, my heart.

i get a call from PJR while i'm at work yesterday. he tells me that i'm wanted back in the church, and i go on telling him that i'm in clear realization that i was wrong with many of the things i was doing. [he was glad to hear that] ... so that's the church stuff.

i killed and ressurected my computer. [connected the slave the wrong way and messed up my master ... needed a new one] it wasn't covered in the warranty agreement so i had to buy [with my money] a new hard drive.
but this hard drive had nothing in it ... not even an OS. so i had to install a copy of XP Home. so everything is running smoothly.

so keep up those comments and e-mails ...

love

okay everyone ... i'm making changes again to my xanga and myspace pages ... since i know it all matters to you! ... i'm burning all my [page designs] onto a CD so i can easily transfer them to [this computer] ...
in other news ... i went shopping today in the Queens Center mall ... got some great looking clothes at YRB and Urban ... and got a cool corduroy coat for MADd cheapola! ... at the H&M ... sweet deal for $35 ... when urban had a coat for $175 ... yea rite! ... got a cool hat at the YRB

goorin rocks my socks off! ... dude, and the chicks that work at the bastard! ... they scare me, but they be hott ... lol ... focusing now on something holy ... i have to start getting gifts for the family ... i know what i'm getting my friends [howard/becky, johnny g, and a few others ... like marc/diane] ... but my family is hard to shop for. ... i'm "onlining" it this year.

prop me nuggas!!