maybe its good learning to lose.
Current mood:  drained
so i doubt anyone really reads these...but if you do comment, because it means a lot to me. lately i have really been struggling with things. see there was a certain boy...and he kind of messed up things. he made my life the best that is has ever been but now i have to let him go. im still in love with him and he isnt with me and it hurts me more and more everyday. all my friends say that it will get better, but it hurts and i dont know how it can get better. i know that it is God's will for us not to be together and both of us have to get back on track with God and he doesnt feel that he can do that in a relationship...but that doesnt make this any easier. i've been searching for this song everywhere on myspace and i cant find it...its lauren kennedy's "letting him go" its really described my feelings during this time so im going to post the lyrics...read them if you want to. sweeping up plaster
mopping the floor
washing the windows
cleaning the closets
closing the door
filling in the cracks
out in the hall
scraping the paint
off of the wall
changing the lock
turning the key
letting you go away
from me
knowing its better
here in my head
doing the laudry
washing the dishes
making the bed
nothing to fight
nothing to choose
maybe its good
learning to loose
maybe i'll shine
finally free
letting you go away
from me
if i were smart
if i was strong
if i could just say i was wrong
say it was me
say i could move
make you believe
these things improve
but i forget all of the cracks
deep in the ground
under our tracks
and if i could
then you would you see
or would you go away
would you go away?
facing the facts
watching the clock
maybe you'll change
just down the block
and if you do
where would i be?
letting you go away...
from me i know this is long, but i feel like i have to keep writing. im not happy, nor was i happy toward the end of the relationship but it hurts me so bad. realizing that it really is over. my first love. my very first. it will never be the same as it was now. he still wants to be friends, but doesnt he realize that it breaks my heart each time i see him and realize i love him like he will probably never love me again? but i cant cut all ties. i cant lose my best friend as well. not only my lover, but my best friend. its over. i'm heartbroken. somehow or other we led each other down paths that we did not need to go on. i started comprimising. i started out the relationship stronger with God than i had ever been. then...somehow, i started slipping. it was just so easy to lean on a person instead of God...especially a person that loved me and told me all the things i wanted to hear. it still is hard to for me to understand why he would say some of the things he said to me when he knew that it wouldnt work out. he says he meant them and i dont believe that he lied to me... but i still mean everything that i have ever said to him. i miss you. i wish i could just be friends with you, but i dont know how stephen. i dont know how. this relationship wasnt meant to be and i know that in my head, but my heart is screaming out in pain. friends...if you are reading this, please please please be praying for me. i dont know how to let him go...but i love him and i have to. -alana | 
