I am a failure.
An utter disgrace.
I can't tell you how incredibly disgusted, disappointed and ashamed of myself I am.
My last post was forever ago, I was about 20lbs lighter and almost ready for summer.
Today, I haven't got on the scale in a week and the last I checked it said 1-3-1....
I couldn't even bear to come to xanga and type those numbers
For the last two fucking months I have been asking myself why...
Why the fuck I let my self go
As I ask, I stuff another slice of pizza in or down another muffin...
Every minute knowing that I am going to regret it in the morning and promising that will start tomorrow.
Tomorrow has not happened for me yet..
Today is my first 2nd day
I have been afraid to come on xanga because it is like facing reality and actually realizing what I have done.
Today I am came and did not need to look at more than one site of thinspo before I decided I couldn't handle it anymore.
I have let all my hope and dreams for the summer go out the window...more like I, myself threw them out with every fucking bite.
It is fucking June and I still have not been to the beach with friends and I haven't gone to my boyfriends pool all because I am a fucking cow.
I hate myself even more every time I have to come up with an excuse why I can't go when they ask...
Oh, and when I weighed 116, I bought myself $600 in A&F and hollister clothes in 0's and XS that I knew I would make look good on me with another 2-3 weeks of good work...now I look at them in my closet and cry. I cant even get them on anymore.
Again I ask, why...
Why did I ruin my whole summer?!?!?!?!?!?! now the rest of the summer is going to be trying to lose instead of reaping the benefits of all my work this past winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did I let myself binge for so long?
Why didn't I just stop???
Why AM I SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so ashamed.
This is my confession.

  ok so everyone knows that i have been going out of my mind with school and now i am slipping on my diet plans! Well this calls for a major adjustment to get me back on track and that is going to be a MASTER CLEANSE!! starting monday i am going to do a 2 week master cleanse (curtesy to silly_rabbitx for the inspiration!!!)

The only hang up that i am going to run into is my DADDY is coming in town! he is a trucker and i see him like 4 or 5 times a year haha sounds crazy but we are so much a like that now that he is gone most of the time we have a better relationship. Before just being around each other for more than a day and we would be at each others throat!! haha anyway he is really health contious so i think i can convince him to lay off me about going out to eat which he loves to do when he comes in town....that is really going to be hard but i think i can do it...

I just think that it is a perfect time to do this because i want to get to my goals THIS MONTH!!!!!!!!!! i am so over being at this weight!!!!!!! so, i am doing it. I would LOVELOVELOVE someone to do it with so if ur interested just comment!

This is what i am doing... THANKS silly_rabbitx!

Day 1 (monday): 3 glasses orange juice and laxative tea.

Day 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10:
lemonade drink (60 oz water, 12 tbsp organic grade b maple syrup, juice from 3 fresh lemons, cayenne pepper to taste). laxative tea.

Day 11 12 13 14 15:
raw fruits, veggies and soup

I am also still going to be working out as much as i can everyday if possible, school is just making working ot at 11 or 12 at night haaaard cuz i am so tired by the end of the day.

 I am going to stick to this, i have too. just have to and i know that i will be so much happier in two weeks! but this weekend i am taking a short break. i finally have this weekend to myself and next week i have to right 2 8-10pg papers along with some extra credit and another exercise which is a 2pg paper! So i need a breather from everything and i will be back on monday, ready to be positive for my cleanse and to make some big points in the challenge!

And again if anyone is up to doing this cleanse with me, go shopping and be ready monday!!

 Thinspo

After this cleanse i want my 0 jeans to fit like this! then i will let myself go SHOPPING!

XOXO

 so didnt workout yesterday so this serves me right..to not lose. but i am soooo irritated about something else....ok so this really pretty blonde girl is married to one of my guy friends and she got prego and then after the baby she lost all her baby weight and more....i haven't seen her in like 4 months and justin did at a b-day party for the guy 2 weeks ago (that i didnt go to) anyway, what is pissing me off is that justin keeps saying how "Tiiiiiiiiiny" she is now!!! like when i saw her yeah she was small and looked great but what the fuckkk? i am a freakin zero!!! okok, not by my standards cuz they are still tight but nothing else fits...122 is binge weight, so i was 116.0 three days ago what more does he effin want???? i mean i knowwww i still have a little more to go but that is just it... a LITTLE and he keeps going on and on about how TIIIIIIINY she is (and he says it just like that too, "tiiiiiiiiiiny"...sick) i finally broke yesterday (i was trying to act like it didnt bug me buut..) after two freakin weeks of she sooo tiiiiiiny i was about to smack em! and he said that it was because she use to be 'thick' in high school so that is why it is such a big deal (er..ok maybe thats true)...but i saw her not to long ago so how much smaller is sheeee? its killing me i finally asked the lame-o question.."is she smaller than me?" and he said no, no blahbliddyblah but he would tell me anything. so i am dieing to see her so i kno for sure!! but let me tell yall, this is the MOST motivation i could ask for to get to 105 ASAP!! before i see her next...i show everyone just WHO is so effing tiny dammit!

Intake: (update later <300c)...8pts

Elliptical...burn 300c...10pts

1.5 workout/stretch...~200c (rounding low)

Extras

Water...5pts~Sleep...6pts~update...3pts~support team...3pts~thinking positive...3pts~thinspo...2pts)

total: 37pts

Thinspo!

Gawd..she is so perfect.