Sense of Futility

   I have felt this feeling of futility before. It reminds me of Solomon's Ecclesiastes, "Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." It is a devastating emotion. But as most character defects, what is offers is an opportunity to look into my soul and seek to find both the defect, and the answer.

   Most likely the defect is a combination of things. Emotional deformities that I developed over the years prior to, and during, my drinking carrier. They are the instincts that have gone overboard, that I have used to guide my life, and in the process diminished the quality of life, and are among other things the reason I also became dependent on oblivion to get through another day of frustration, unhappiness and resentment.

   The defects in my character are made apparent when I attempt to live my second chance at life using the practices and principals of this spiritual way of life we call Alcoholics Anonymous. The principals of humility and sacrifice conflict with my defects. My defective instincts of self-centeredness which I attempt to use when working this program fail utterly. This causes frustration, depression and hopelessness.

   I can't overcome self-centeredness on my own. I have to have help. I have to join this Fellowship, not stand apart. God gives his grace through fellowship with others in this program. This is why A.A. encourages sponsorship. The people in the fellowship who give to each other unselfishly, through God's Grace, the spiritual fulfillment that only he can give when we live one day at a time and, "love thy neighbor as thyself".