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| HAHAHAHA!
Dear God,
I am not getting any. Help a brother out.
Love,
Joel
Dear Joel,
1-800-ENZYTE
For natural male enhancement...
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| Oh, I love getting these types of letters, requests.... oh, let's have some fun, shall I? Yes, I shall...
GOD!
can you please give me the ability to teleport food, so that whenever i'm hungry i can just send myself a sandwich?
kthanksbye
Oh sweet Jesus Tap-dancing Christ... You are serious? How
fucking lazy can you Americans get? Not only are you all getting
obese on the excess food your country has, but now you're asking your creator to have
the ability to get more without burning a few calories and moving your
fat asses 6 feet to a fridge. I am baffled... truly
baffled. Just so you know, if I ever do grant this incredible
food teleportation ability to anyone, I will give it to Mutumbo Alumbo
Berehma of Somalia LONG before I give it to any American. Wait,
it's time for me to add some of my signature humor. I hereby
grant you the ability to transport what you really need. A
stairmaster.
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| Yeah, I haven't updated in a while, but with the current state of the
world, I've had more pressing matters. Such as preventing Dubya
from writing his sequel to Mein Kampf, this time involving Arabs and
oil instead of Jews and class struggle. Here's one that caught my
eye during the shitstorm of the past month.
Dear God,
I have no luck with girls. I'm not bad looking, so why does every girl I meet avoid me like the plague?
James
Dear James,
It's two reasons really. One is my fault I will admit. I
programmed a default gene of rejection into females. It's on the
second X chromosome, that's why males don't have it. They
basically reject anything that they consider "unworthy" of them.
Some females have overcome the writing, and some have just eliminated
it through natural selection and years of gene mixing. They are
the cool girls that are so rare it'd be easier to find a dodo on roller
skates doing a coke line then one of these rare breeds.
The second reason is you're an egocentric whine-bag. Nobody likes
them. The reason girls avoid you like the plague is because you
are one.
Good luck at breeding, you'll need it,
G-Man
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| That's right, I'm back. Oh believe me, I didn't want to
come. The fact that you people decided to take up living on
something I sneezed out one day does abosolutely nothing to endear you
to me (although that whole 'butchering each other in my name' thing,
stroke of genius on your part, really. I'm very impressed with
the leap of logic on that one). But it's the boy, you see.
He's got a soft spot. Unfortunately it's on his head. What
can I say?
On to the letters!
umm.... god... your son has returned ... [cut because it was boring] ...
PS- do you enjoy the company of the dead [who made it to heaven]?
and also- do you enjoy seeing the dead [in hell] suffer?
Yeah, the dead aren't really any more interesting than the
living. Although Joseph Stalin makes a wicked cheese dip.
And the answer to your second question is 'yes'. I especially
enjoyed last year's production of A Choir Line as performed by people
on fire. Very moving.
hey god, what's the deal with cheese puffs? I'm pretty sure that you've
been sending me secret messages in my cheetos, but I'm not really sure
what they mean. Also, was that you at the bus stop yesterday? I didn't
know you owned a hat like that. I screamed and screamed at you to take
the hat off, but you just looked away. I figured that squirells must
have gotten to you, so I poisoned like 50 of them in the park today. I
put them in the bathtub... but now I smell like dead squirell and
there's nowhere to take a shower. Will you please help me?
Yours Truely,
Confused
Normally I would just laugh, and point. But since squirrels bug the shit out of me, I'll do you a favor just this one
time. Look under your seat, and you will find a small box with a
cheese puff decoder ring. It can translate over 40 different
varieties of cheese puff. Just don't use it on dill
pickles. You know why.
ppl r u retarded hes not god
read the bible it will make u think
o yea "god" ur a fag
Guess what genius? This year their putting on The Music Man, and somebody just got the lead.
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| YOUR MAKER HAS RETURNED! After my LONG time away I figured it
would be excellent to respond to those inquries that were left for
me. Oh, and about the Pope... He's a dead motherfucker. Get
over it. Oh, and Benedict boy... HAHAHA. All I can say is
start playing the "Imperial March" as your new national anthem.
Oh, and after long soulsearch, I realized that none of you are worth me
coming down there again. My son has never really been the same
since his visit and I'd really think it best not to piss myself off
again. Well, here's a letter I missed but am now answering.
Dear God,
According to the news, you just killed another pope.
By my count, that makes 265 of them. You dumb bastard. Just what the
hell do you need another old man up in heaven for? And you know they're
just going to elect another one for you to smite. What're you gonna do
then, huh?
Yours,
~T
P.S. I would like a pony.
Well T,
The popes are just a joke really. I mean, look at that stupid
hat. Do you really believe that a man who wears that thing can be
taken seriously as a divine leader? He's about a red rubber nose
and a pair of checkered pants away from being part of a circus.
Do you remember as a kid ( don't bother answering, because I know you
do because... I know everything!) the game Whack-A-Mole?
Well, you are right, all this time I've been playing my divine version
called Whack-A-Pope. I'll let your your vivid imagination do the
work.
And on the subject of the pony, the answer is YES! Not because I
give a shit about you or anything else, but because I'm going to laugh
my ass off when the mob goes Godfather on your ass and you wake up to
it's severed head. Then I want to see their reaction when it goes
starfish on their ass when the body grows a head and vice versa.
God, I love me.
I RULE YOU!
-God
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