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GotPram
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Name: Linda
Birthday: 8/6/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: music, singing weirdly, 8-ball pool, ping pong, badminton, putting my bro. to sleep FOREVERR, beating up boys, trying to take pictures, church, and getting to know God.
Expertise: CROTCH KICKER!!
Occupation: Student
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  GotLinder
Member Since:
7/2/2003
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| So here I am again. It's been so long since I've written my thoughts. Now I feel like I have too many thoughts in my head. So the semester is finally over. I feel so free and confident..for now. lol Today while I was driving to take my Spanish final at school, I've come to this conclusion. I was beating myself up for not studying for my Spanish final. Spanish was not my choice of language to study. I only chose it b/c my mom thought it would be more helpful and better. I realized that no matter how much my mom wants me to study Spanish or anything, I have to desire to want to do it. This is my 3rd time retaking this class, and last summer I failed it. I kept asking God, will I pass it this time around? So as I was driving, it hit me. If God wanted me to study Spanish, wouldn't He put that desire in my heart? Why am I doing what others want me to, and not what I truly desire? So I started thinking again, this time about what my friend said. She said that following your heart is silly. Your heart is an organ, why would you want to listen to your organ? So I asked myself is following your heart silly? In high school, I had a dream that God told me to follow my heart and everything will be alright. In that dream, there was a candle to remind me. Printed on that candle was "Follow your Heart." That week, a cheerleader in my class was selling candles. I look through the book, and I saw the candle in my dream, so I bought it. After high school, there was more pressure from my mom on what to study in college. I decided to major in what I desire, and that has always been media production. She still doesn't know what I'm studying. lol But somehow along the way, I managed to let her ideas and wants slip in. I started to consider about minoring in something that would be a safe backup plan, in case my media production thing didn't work. I wasted a year or so, changing minors and studying spanish. I probably would have been done with college if I had stuck to what was true to me. I didn't follow my heart, I let the world's definition of a secure career convince me media production wasn't safe enough. I've always been a strong believer if you have a strong desire for something, no matter how hard it is, you can do it. I don't know why I got scared, and forgot this.
What I desire now: I have a desire to study Vietnamese to better my language, and I've always been interested in Chinese. Well..actually Korean language, but UH doesn't offer that. I want to learn more about script writing. I want to edit more video projects. I want to travel. Something that I keep daydreaming about is packing up, leaving to Taiwan or Korea and write one good drama that sells. I know it sounds so silly. I want to write a story that will make people cry, laugh and hope. I want to edit a video that will tell a story leaving people feeling something. I want to take pictures to show people God's beauty in everything. This what I want to leave the world.
So is following your heart silly? I don't think it is. I know that your
heart is an organ, but it feels emotions. When you get broken hearted
for the 1st time, and you can feel that pain from your heart and it
travels through your finger tips. I would say it's more than an organ.
Even if it is an organ, it's what keeps you alive, just like some
dreams, hopes, wishes, love, and desire give people a reason to live.
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| My mom gave me a picture of my biological dad. It's not like I never met him or know how he looks like. I just never owned a picture of him. I used to have these hate feelings towards him, but not so much now. I still wonder what happened between them. One summer night, my cousins and I were playing pool. I bet everyone, and my cousin asked where did I learn to play. My other cousin answered it's b/c my dad plays pool very well. So they think I probably got it from my dad. lol I don't know really, but I do desire to play a game of pool with my dad one of these days.
I'm learning to be a better sister. I guess I don't realized that sometimes tough love isn't what my bro needs or understands. I'm learning to show him I care and worry in a not so mean way.
I had a bad day on Saturday and a break down at work. The thing that I realized is that after a bad day, I caught myself saying I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I know there's always God, family, and friends. But to have a companion to share your bad day with would be nice. My mind set has been to stay single until I'm ready to marry. I still have a lot of things I would like to do; career wise, travel, and wherever God takes me. Sometimes I wonder is love suppose to be so complicated? I see my friends hurt over such feelings. I wonder if it's meant to be, would it be so complicated? If something is from God, would it all fall into place, or do you have to fight for it b/c the devil is trying his best to make it complicated for you? Do we have to fight for our happiness?
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| Sorry so being so depressed and distanced lately. I haven't been happy with where I am in life for the past year or so. I'm still not happy. I'm more angry with myself, but I'm working on that. Sometimes you just need someone to help you see your options.
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| The moment just passes you by...somehow along the way...am I really living? Why am I so numb? I've distanced myself from friends, family, and God. I've kept everything to myself. I so want to share what I'm thinking or have been feeling, but I can't find the words to say. I feel like I can't talk to my friends anymore, even if I want to. I feel like I'm just waiting for life to pass me by, or for the world to end already. I feel like I'm suppressing everything, and smiling to forget. The food is prepared and set out before me, but all I can do is sit and stare at it..why?
"Stop and stare" One Republic
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see
They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What u need, what u need...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...
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| Where does it end?..
I got my grades
from school, and it's no surprise I fail one class and got a D+ in
another. I think this is my first F in college. Pretty
disappointed in myself, but then I don't care. This past semester
I was so tired and burnt out. I struggled so much studying and
going to class. I don't know what happened to me, it's like I
gave up. But before finals started, I found some hope to study
and I did better than I thought on my final. Now I don't know
what to do with school. Cram
4 summer classes, 6 fall classes, and a $1000 more to finish in Fall
2007? Or take it easy and spread out my classes for another year
at UH and get money back?
I'm so sad after watching Grey's Anatomy this
week. So freaking depressing! I was rooting for a happy
ending. I realized that my heart can not take sad depressing
endings. Yet I torture myself in watching "Autumn in New York"
and some sad Korean movie. I swear I wanted to kill myself
afterwards. I like watching funny, witty, and happy ending
stuff. I guess that's why I really enjoy those silly Korean
dramas. ^__^ But yea..everytime I think about what happened
in Grey's, I feel like crying my heart out.
All I do is
work work work 7 days a week, 7 to 8 hrs a day. Crazy huh?
It gets really tiring. That's why I'm wondering if I can make it
with 4 summer classes and work every day. I had an interesting
conversation with a customer today. He's a pastor, and he always
cash his checks at our place. He would always tell me to keep on
praying and to be good. lol He's always teasing me about
being bad. But today he was saiding that, and I asked him how
does he know. He told me how he knows about my bad relationships
with guys. Dating the wrong guy and him mistreating me. I
was like that happens to every girl. He said yea, but it happened
to you with 10 guys. I'm thinking to myself..Did God tell him
this? And then he said something about me wanting to date a
korean guy. I was like How did you know? lol I think
he's stalking me or maybe God's telling him all this. But that
was kinda interesting, I think.
I've been
depressed about my weight gain lately. Seriously..no one believes
me..but I'm getting big. My cousins finally believed me after
seeing me in a bathin suit yesterday o_O. They said they'll help
me work out. *sigh* Sometimes I wish there was a "start
over" button. So I'm trying to lose 10-30lbs. I look
at myself and I see this fat ugly hideous person. I'm so
disgusted with myself too. None of my clothes fit me. And I
told myself I'm not buying anymore clothes until I lose the
weight.
Sometimes I
wonder when things will start looking up for my family and me.
When will we be able to have a house/home? When will my bro
listen and behave? When will my mom stop leaving me and my bro to
gamble? When will my stepdad move back in with us? When can
we all sit at the dinner table and eat, laugh, and talk? When
will we ever have a family vacation together? When will we be
happy together and not fight? When..?
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